The Thing
(2011)
The latest movie in The Thing
universe is a prequel to the 1982 version.
You would think I would have seen it right away with the last one being
a favorite of mine and it stars another one of my favorite to look at Mary
Elizabeth Winstead but I was scared and never got around to it. Awful reviews and a serious lack of
excitement around the film really just kept me away. Until now.
Things start out in the familiar Antarctic
winter of 1982. Three Norwegians head
out to look for the source of some signal.
They drive their snowmobile van on top of a crevasse and collapse
through some very CGI looking ice and see a spaceship at the bottom. Mary shows up five minutes in as a paleontologist
who is going to be brought in to investigate the “structure and sample”. Joel Edgerton (guy from Warrior movie #1) is
a pilot and there seems to be a team of 6 Americans in total brought into the
Norwegian base. He informs Kate (Mary)
that a big storm is coming so unless they want to be stuck on the base for a
long time, they better finish up their work in a few days.
They go down the crevasse and see
the 100,000 year old spaceship in all of its majesty. They also get a good look at the thing frozen
in the ice a little ways off. Kate is
about to start her examination when the guy in charge stops her to get a tissue
sample. She thinks it’s a bad idea and
he happens to be a total dick and says “don’t contradict me”. They are all partying that night when the
thing rips out of the ice and jumps away.
They form search groups and scan the compound and the first thing they
see is that the dog has been killed. It
kills one guy and they start shooting it to no avail.
Eventually Joel lights the thing on
fire and a few scientists are pissed because they wanted to keep it alive. The charred remains are brought inside and
after some Kate investigating, she discovers that its cells are imitating the
dead guys. The rest of the Americans
leave to take an injured guy to the nearest hospital and Mary is left behind to
do more research. In one of the
bathrooms she finds the bullets that were shot at the thing and blood all over
the shower meaning someone else is imitated.
Luckily she does it in time to flag down the helicopter and everyone is
brought back. There are two pilots and
two passengers inside the chopper, one of them is the thing and causes it to
crash a little ways off.
Kate tells everyone that one of
them has been replicated and she has discovered that the thing can’t redo their
inorganic matter so those things she found were fillings. No one believes her and they send out a
rescue team to find help from another camp.
Kate gets cornered by the only other chick here who is a thing and
manages to make a narrow escape. Another
dude gets killed though. Should have
listened to the hot and yet smart scientist chick.
THIS IS WHERE SOME STUFF HAPPENS
The group comes around and acknowledges
that they have a thing problem when Joel and the other pilot show back up to
camp. The lab where they were about to
do the test burns down so Kate starts looking for fillings in each mouth. It’s not as cool the blood test but it’s
better than nothing. Out of all of them,
four fail the test. Also the two
Americans who showed back up are missing too.
A lot of people die really fast in one scene and we’re down to Kate,
Carter (Joel) and Sander (the dick) and a British guy. Also technically we didn’t see Lars die so he
could be alive too. Then just like that
Sander dies.
There is a chase scene out of nowhere
when the thing takes off back to its ship.
Carter and Kate try to follow it inside but Kate falls into its engine
or something. Eventually she makes it to
the bridge and has to hide from the thing.
Right before she is about to be killed, Kate throws a grenade in the
thing which causes it to blow up and the ship to be disabled. The two of them are about to head back when
she notices that his earring is gone and he’s a thing. She torches him and her snowmobile escape
vehicle with it. The movie then just
kind of ends. During the credits we see
the guy who slit his throat at the table from the first one and Lars taking off
after the runaway dog.
I FEEL LIKE I’VE ALREADY SEEN THIS
FAVORITE SCENE : Anytime spent on
the ship. I’ll explain why further down
FAVORITE QUOTES : “And the last
place you want to be is cooped up with a dozen Norwegian guys”
PRETENTIOUS RATING : Chris
Carpenter says “Pointless prequel to the 1982 sci-fi/horror classic. One of the worst 5 films of 2011.” Really dude?
It’s worse than Jack and Jill, Sucker Punch, Zookeeper, whatever
Twilight movie came out last year, the Conan remake, The Smurfs, Abduction, Bad
Teacher, Arthur remake, third Transformers, Hangover 2, Green Lantern, The
Changeup, the last Pirates of the Caribbean, The Dilemma, Season of the Witch,
Priest, Big Momma’s House 3, Beastly, and The Three Musketeers? It can only beat out four of those? I hate over reactions like that.
RATING: 6 Gullbords. For the most part, this is the exact same
movie as the 1982 version, just a little worse.
There are little things that are awesome like the ax being left in the wall
and looking at Mary but the only thing that was really new about the movie was
actually going on to the space ship.
Mary did good but isn’t the lead that Russell was and the special
effects just looked way cooler in the last one.
Movie could have been really good but ended up just being meh. It was entertaining enough at least but had a
tough job from the start living up to the Carpenter one.
ALTERNATE ENDING: Am I the only one who wanted the ship to take
off and a fight to occur in space? It’s
rare that anyone survives in these movies so if you are already probably going
to die, isn’t space practically just as remote as Antarctica in the
winter? Live a little.
WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS THE MAIN
CHARACTER: Mary was pretty clever and I would have a lot to live up to. Paleontologists have it rough in movies. You’re either fight aliens or dinosaurs, it’s
up to you. If I loved dead animals that
much I could see myself loving them even more alive and become a show dog
trainer or something.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL: Read
movie #79
Peek-a-boo!
What's for dinner?
The only two women on the base. One is marginally hotter than the other
Running on a spaceship!
Apply head-on
Heel!
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