http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1611224/
Before we get into the whole movie business, lets talk about more important stuff like how many people are ready the blog. Although it could have happened two months sooner if I did a better job keeping up, my 10,000th view just happened. Well done people. To celebrate, I'm watching a bad movie that will hopefully bring out good blogging material. I don't think I know anyone who actually saw this but what I do know is that the #5 girl on my favorite to look at list, Mary Elizabeth Winstead looks to be playing Lincoln's wife and just like Emma Watson, that's all I need to see a movie. The movie's tag line is "President by day, hunter by night". That's probably the order I would do it in too.
One day when Abraham was just a wee lad, a vampire killed his mum. It proved to be the point where he decided all slaves were free. The end. The first sentence was true at least. I want to get into this movie but I'm sure you, like me, are trying to think if anyone is named Abraham anymore. I'm sure non-Amish person is right? What about Jebediah? Is there another Beyonce somewhere in the world? What's in a name and all that jazz right? Will this tangent end?
Nine years later he unsuccessfully tries to get revenge on his mothers vampire killer and that's when the whole slave thing happened. I'm sure it's coming but before the underground railroad, he meets a guy named Henry Sturges (also Tony Starks dad in Captain America) who's "Hobby" is killing vampires. Do you think German people today secretly rooted for the Nazi's during that movie wondering how they could have been on top of the world if the super soldier serum didn't work? Sturges trains Abe up to be a great hunter and his weapon of choice is an axe. Things are happening very quickly by the way. I'm amazed by all of the new facts I'm learning. One is that Lincoln fought the south because the confederacy was run by vampires. Also they did all of the damage to the Native Americans.
Abe moves to Springfield in 1837 and that's the first time we get to see Mary Todd. Lets just call by the much more flattering name of Mary. Wash from Firefly(also Tucker from a few movies ago) is her fiance who does a good angry face so that will be good to see. Soon enough Abe goes on his first hunt and starts to get a few kills. He is visited by his friend Will Johnson (played by the actor who I thought was one of the few highlights of the Adjustment Bureau) who is being chased by bounty hunters as a run away slave. They get beaten in a fight and finally that is when he decided to free all slaves. Told you it was probably going to come.
It looks like Abe is finally ready because he once again "fights" the guy who killed his mom and wins this time. Fight is in quotes because they don't actually do anything. The entire sequence is really bad CGI. Look I think anyone would pick a good looking fight that take place on a street over a really bad fight on an even worse looking stampede or horses. It costs a whole lot less to make too. After the fight we find out what we already know, Henry is a vampire who attacks only the bad humans and trains them to kill other vampires. The big bad vampire turned him and killed his lady so he's a self hating vamp. His big problem now is that he can't get his revenge because a vampire can't kill one of it's own kind. Sounds like it's going to be a job for Abe.
Before he can do that he has to get married to Mary first which he does in a white suit. Vampires capture Will and take him to Louisiana meaning we won't get to see Mary for a while but at least she'll be alright. Abe fights the big vampire and again loses and again gets away. Seems like if I was lucky enough to get two chances to fight a vampire, I wouldn't waste them. Finally a hour and two minutes in he grows the beard, becomes the president and gets to fighting the war.
The big vampire's sister shows up at the White House and bites Abe's son. Mary learns about all the vampire business and loses it. The last battle of the movie finally arrives and it's over whether a train full of silver bullets will make it to Gettysburg or not.
BIG FIGHT
No surprises. Abe win, bad guy loses, we all lose because of CGI and Henry helps out. The silver was never on the train, it traveled to Gettysburg on the underground railroad. Mary gets her revenge by killing her son's killer. The north wins, at least that wasn't changed. The movie ends with him leaving to go to the theatre and we all know what happened there, he teamed up with the teenage mutant ninja turtles to kill the spacemen of Omicron Persei 8.
IT'S OVER
Best scene : There isn't really a "best" scene. Henry's flashback at least showed a little bit of emotion.
Memorable Lines: You would think that for a movie so out there like this, a few lines would stand out but it just isn't so
Rating : There were a lot of things that I didn't like about this movie. One is the fact that it's just boring. The president killing the undead should be either really fun or dark but instead it's just, well blah. Another thing that bothers me are the fight sequences which are a huge part of the movie. You know in the Sherlock Holmes movie when they have those slow motion/speed up/back to slow motion like two times. It's pretty cool. In this movie they use a cheaper looking version of that for EVERY fight. The main villain character was weak and added nothing to the movie. Then there's Abraham. Talk about not adding anything, who was this guy? Looked up the actor and I've never seen him in anything before. I also found out that not one or two but seven actors turned down the role in front of him. He acted like he was the eighth choice. Zzzzzzzzz. On the plus side, watching this should only make the Daniel Day Lewis Lincoln seem even better.
Alternate Ending : I'm not sure what happens but the movie ends 30 minutes sooner.
What I would do if I was the main character: I've said it before and I'll say it again, being a president is for the birds. Who wants to have a job where literally thousands of people get paid to criticize you. That's why if I ever build enough support I'll just go all out and overthrow the government becoming the king of America. Say anything bad about me and you get a knife in the face, for the people.
What happens in the sequel : The Russians in the 60's aren't who we think they are. They're radioactive people with radioactive anti-American cold war ideals. If we go to war with them, the whole world will be destroyed so America sends in it's secret weapon, zombie Lincoln. That somehow is also boring.
Young Abe (sweet hair)
Forgot to mention, there is more ax twirling in the movie than flag twirling at a college football halftime show.
Old Lincoln with Will on the train not dying.
Fact : Abraham Lincoln beat women.
The same actor who is the villain in all of these bad movies.
Mary's happy
At least Mary looked good. How about 10,000 fans on facebook now? We're at a whole 25 now. It's only a matter of time.
https://www.facebook.com/CandyAndAMovie
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