Red State (2011)
I know you care about where the newest hits come from and
today visitors logged on from Barbados, Ghana, Uruguay and the province of Gibraltar. What do we know about Kevin Smith? His movies are dialogue driven comedies, he
really hasn’t made anything decent since 2001 and he’s too fat to in just one
airplane seat. Let’s see if he can make
a horror movie.
A kid is being dropped off by his mom at high school. The actor is 24 and has a soul patch. Not very high school. Together he, his friend Mullet and another
friend Curly (the ugly kid from the Nightmare on Elm Street remake movie #42)
find an ad for a prostitute on the internet and decide to give her a visit that
night. On the way there they sideswipe
Milton from Office Space’s car. They get
to the hooker’s trailer and it’s the mom from The Fighter (movie #14). I bet they wish it was Amy Adams instead but
she’ll never live in a trailer. They
start taking their clothes off because they will all be having sex at once and
pass out from being roofied. I guess I
haven’t made any close enough friends yet because they idea of there being more
than one dude in the bedroom, even if the bedroom is also a kitchen, is a
little bit of a turn off. Maybe someday
that special person will come though.
Not.
Curly gets brought out into a church full of hicks in a
cage. Turns out it’s a knock off West
Boro Baptist church and the preacher rants about gay people be instruments of Satan
for 15 boring minutes. Then we see that
a guy is tied up to a cross. Now we’re
on to something. He gets shot in the
head and pushed down a trap door to be with Patches and Mullet. Curly gets tied to the cross and is going to
be next when a cop shows up and finds the damaged car. That draws out the pastor to chat with the
cop and while that is going on, Mullet escapes.
He is chased into the church’s armory (you remember yours, was right
next to the nursery) and gets killed but manages to shoot his pursuer. The gunshots are heard by the cop who calls
them in before being shot by another church member. You would think that an operation
sophisticated enough to trick and roofie people (not sophisticated at all)
would know better to not shoot people while there is a cop around but oh well.
The pastor calls Milton, who is the sheriff, on the radio
and says in a long winded and unnecessary way “I know you’re gay and if you
tell anyone about what happened your wife will know too” That makes Milton put
his gun to his head but right before he pulls the trigger something is noticed
on a piece of paper and he calls none other than John Goodman! That’s who I would call to clean up my
mess. Goodman seems to be with the ATF
and is told by Milton that it’s time to go in because they have modified
weapons.
SPOILERS
Patches is being chased now but gets shot by Milton who is
with Goodman outside the hicks compound.
I was right about the ATF. The
ATF are given orders to kill everyone after the Pastor shoots the guy in
charge. There is a side story involving
one of the hick girls trying to get out with Curly. It’s stupid and so is this movie. There are three groups of people shown, the
high school kids who are trash, the ATF who are corrupt and the hicks who are
trash themselves and I’m rooting for no one to survive. This isn’t even a horror movie. The cult church people are supposed to be
creepy but are annoying more than anything.
Randomly a giant horn is heard which disturbs the cops and
pleases the cult. Pastor says it is
trumpets signifying the rapture. When
things looked like they were getting awesome we jump to Goodman giving
testimony in a room and the whole movie has been his account of what
happened. He gets promoted for his role
in the attack on the compound. The
trumpets ended up a prank the hicks annoyed neighbors played on them. Goodman tells a couple more stories and the
movie ends.
SPOILERS OVER. MOVIE SUCKS BRAH. THERE'S A SPOILER
FAVORITE SCENE: Goodman at the end. The whole movie would have been better off it
was Sit Around the Campfire and Listen to John Goodman.
MEMORABLE LINES: Not this time Kevin Smith
RATING: 4.0 Red Hots.
This movie is listed as a horror on Netflix, IMDB and Rottentomatoes but
it really is 0% scary. I was going to
say that no one says as many F bombs as the high school kids but I lived with
one of the dumbest people on earth for 6 months and he sounded a lot like them. If someone asked me what I thought about the
movie quickly I would say that it was boring and a waste of time. Movies with special forces shooting fanatical
church goers shouldn’t be a snooze fest.
ALTERNATE ENDING: The devil shows up and the world ends
before this movie is finished.
WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER: Not respond to
ads from women wanting to be part of a four way. Also find better friends who don’t consider
ads about being in a four way.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQEUL: Pastor goes to jail. Converts people. Still boring.
This is really original and has never been done before. I'm almost sure of it.
Soul Patch running around
Curly and his stupid face. AGGGGH I want to punch it.
Leader of the crazies.
Goodman is cut!
Hallelujah, Holla Back
Don’t tell me that I didn’t get it. I know what Smith was doing with the West
Boro’s. It just wasn’t good.
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