http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1876503/
I decided to take a break from bad movies and play it safe by watching a documentary. At worst I figured it would only be boring and nothing worth getting angry over like in Severed. Thailand and Oman can now agree with me after being first time viewers.
The first scene is a guy tweeking out and speaking in tongues. Then holy crap, Jesus walks out of nowhere and asks the guy his name. Maybe this movie isn't a safe bet after all. Biblical dramatizations in the opening scene? Bold choice documentary. Moving along, the "possessed" guy answers by saying that his name is Legion and that there are many of us. By now you are probably thinking something like "wow this is riveting stuff, who could came up with this script this good?" and the answer is the same people who hung out with Jesus and also wrote the bible. Yes the story comes from the good book and yes I'm sorry for the holy crap thing. Couldn't help it. Jesus heals the dude making him the first exorcist I suppose.
The movie jumps straight out of the overacting to a guy preaching and doing zero acting. It's a lot like this school project I did with some friends in sixth grade I think on the history of basketball. I'm pretty sure we went from filming someone doing a couple sweet finger rolls (because we do not dunk) right into someone reading facts about Naismith (a bored P.E teacher who invented the game, the more you know). Not very smooth. We also were in sixth grade and just trying to get the thing done so we could just play basketball. In other words, no excuses documentary! The guy basically says this stuff is real and lets find out why it happens (the possessing). Historians seem to blame it on free will and pissed off fallen angels. Things are heating up.
Once we get past all the religious historians there is another dramatization and this time it seems to be set in the present day. A couple are being haunted by their evil house. One priest starts explaining about the different kinds of possession/obsession and I'm getting on board. This is the kind of creepy stuff that I wanted to hear about, not the love and why do bad things happen that the first guy wouldn't stop yapping about. It's not bad or anything, it's just that I'm watching a movie about exorcisms and I want things to get weird.
A younger dude describes the possible ways to become possessed. They are take place in occult things like seances and Ouija boards, hard repeated sinning, getting cursed or making a pact with an evil spirit. Metal. Another dramatizations is shown with a teen chick playing with a Ouija board and her boyfriend is being creeped out by it. She asks normal questions but eventually she jumps to which one of us will die first and the boyfriend is pushed back by a spirit or something. End scene. Lets take a second to break down what just happened. If you go over to your girlfriends house while in high school and her parents are gone, there are plenty of things to do. Bringing the dead into the house shouldn't be a part of the evening. What you should do is break up with her because she is a psycho. The tricky part about that is because she is a psycho, things might go from the playing with occult tools straight to a curse. If you do some drastic like kill her before she can kill you then you're also probably out of luck because she is crazy enough to come back as a spirit and haunt you. At the very least she'll scare away any potential new girlfriends. Best thing to do is probably contact the parents. Come up with a line like "Hey guess what Mr. -(girlfriends dads name)-? Things are about to get pretty saucy with your daughter. Did I say saucy? That was supposed to say sleazy. Thanks a lot autocorrect. Anyway, I've tried out all the beds and yours seems the comfiest. Better hurry home". Follow up that text with a "P.S. Dear Mr. (blank). Please disregard that text, I meant to send it to my friend. It's a joke get it? Oh boy this is embarrassing." I would then probably throw in a "p.p.s Please hurry, I'm scared". That should do it. Her father will be back before she can get a chunk of your hair for other ritual and will also forbid you from ever seeing her again so you don't have to dump her. End scene. Oh wait, what if she got her total freakiness from him......
Time to transition back to the exorcism experts. They seem to blame the increase in possession on the lack or people going to church now. Sports has become the God of Sunday morning. That actually sounds kind of true. An old Italian guy then kind of blames abortion. I like the Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long argument more.
Yay time for another dramatization. This one involves three ladies visiting a psychic (a priest had just called palm and tarot card readers evil). It's pretty short and shows a psychic both just sucking money out of some poor woman and seeing things that there is no way she could have just guessed. Once that's out of the way, the priests start blaming the internet. I figured the web would come up sometime and it only took 20 minutes. Maybe instead of worrying about global warming, Al Gore should start trying to un-invent the internet which is causing way more damage.
I think we are now getting to dramatization #4 and it involves the first exorcism since Jesus took care of the Legion. A possessed woman with a not scary voice is getting the business from a priest. After a few poorly written demon lines she is healed. The overacting in here is unreal. Back to the historians who explain the requirements of being an exorcist and they question if the devil is real at all or just a metaphor for sin. All I can think about is how the last two dramatizations have been let downs. What isn't a let down is according to all of these guy's who have made careers on exorcisms, someone actually levitating is a real thing. I want to see someone else besides the Mindfreak (could you spell Criss any worse?)float. Cut away scene #5 is the levitating scene and boy is it boring. Maybe you had to be there in person?
The last 15 minutes of the movie basically drags on and they only thing to take out of it is that if your friend is seeing things or hearing voices that they are crazy. If they become super strong or speak unknown languages, there is a good chance they are possessed.
Just the rating for a doc 5 out of 10 jelly beans with prayers written on them (a real candy). Overall the movie was boring but it did give me some things to look for in up coming possession movies as well as a couple of so good they're bad dramatizations.
Ya, you tell her!
Your psycho occult girlfriend
This guy looks like he would help himself to some sauerkraut before he would help you
Busted!
P.S. Whoever put the curse on A-Rod, could you also do it to Raul Ibanez? If the Orioles pitchers aren't going to do anything about him then someone else will have to.
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I command you to read this again!
p.p.p.s (if you want to)
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