Candy and a Movie: Movies #33 & #34 Kill Bill Vol.1&2

Kill Bill Vol. 1(2003)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266697/

Peru, Malaysia and Belgium are now on board, sup? The first Kill Bill was both a first and a last for me. I'm pretty sure that it was the last movie that I rented from a Blockbusters before Netflix came out. It's at least the last that I can remember. Kill Bill is also the first movie that I heard about online way before it came out. I think I googled "best movies released next year" and it was at the top of the list. I was only 14 and didn't know who Tarantino was so I guess I put all of my trust in that online blogger to tell me what's good. Whoa, I just had a moment. Could that have been my blogging beginning. Hmph. Onto important things like why is the Vol. necessary? Kill Bill 1 and Kill Bill 2 aren't good enough?

This movie doesn't follow a normal time line. It doesn't follow normal lots of things. The first scene is a bloodied up, pregnant Uma Thurman getting shot in the head. If you're smart you probably realized that she doesn't die and Bill needs to be killed. If you aren't than I'm sure you've just turned the TV off. Weird time line jump now. Uma heads for her second of 5 revenge killings, this time it's Vernita Green. Vivica A. Fox plays her and she is by far the worst character of the assassins. Have I not mentioned that? Uma used to be on an assassin team (I'm not a fan of the name Uma) and there were four others with her, plus Bill They all have snake names which I do not like because I'm also not a fan of snakes. I actually just got bit by one in a dream and I think these movies are to blame. Uma is the Black Mamba but that is also Kobe Bryant's nickname and his skill is being good a putting a piece of cloth filled with air through a metal circle. Not super deadly. Fox is named Copperhead. They all are the ones who shot up her wedding and killed her husband and baby. Back to revenge, maybe Copperhead is the worst because she has the smallest role as well but I'm glad that they got her out of the way early. Oh did I spoil the end? Uma throws a knife at Copperhead, killing her right in front of her daughter. Uma didn't want to do that and tells the girl that if she wants her own revenge in the future, then she'd understand.

Let's go back in time now to when Uma was in a coma (acoma). After getting shot in the head, she was in that state for like 4 or 5 years. One day Darryl Hannah (California Mountain Snake) shows up to inject her with stuff till she dies. Bill interrupts by calling her and saying chill out. No need to kill her unless she wakes up. MISTAKE BILL. Uma wakes up and freaks out a little. Her baby is gone, that's almost never good. Some guy named Buck walks into the room and she pretends that she is still asleep. I just got this part now because I guess that 14 year old me was still innocent enough to miss out on what was going on. I thought Buck was just some dirty, greasy trucker that happened to walk into her room that day but he really had been visiting her to get his rape on and then bringing in other dudes that would pay him to rape her. All while she is in a coma(acoma). Yikes. That day Buck goes in to do his thing but Uma is awake and she kills him. I remember thinking that maybe she was a little harsh but I take it back. Once Uma gets her muscles working again that haven't moved in 4 years, it's murdering time.

She heads to Japan to get a new sword. Some guy named Hattori Hanzo says he will never make a sword again but once Uma drops that it's for cutting Bill, he agrees. Apparently the sword is sick, one might even say legendary. While in Japan, Uma can kill Lucy Liu (Cottonmouth). The movie totally changes up and goes animated. I'm glad it's animated because it is so brutal and bloody that the real thing might have been a little much to handle. It's all about Cottonmouth's background and how her parents were killed in front of her and she became an assassin. Major gore. Then we learn how she became leader of the Yakuza, who are bad in every movie that they've been in.

Fight time. Uma shows up at a restaurant where Cottonmouth is at and yells to get it on. Liu's bodyguards are known as the Crazy 88 and they begin a massive sword fight. The movie turns black and white I'm guessing to hide all of the blood. Of course Uma wins and then has to fights Liu's #2. It's this girl that I know a lot of dudes think is extra hot because she is crazy but not this dude. Plus she's like 17. That's assault brother. The girl has this crazy knife/ball/chain contraption but ends up dying. Final battle, Black Mamba vs Cottonmouth. Cottonmouth is winning early but the Mamba finishes her off. Something to note is that Uma makes a straight cut to Liu's head but it comes out round as she is just scalped. Still metal.

SPOILER

I didn't put the Cottonmouth fight into spoilers because you already knew that she was going to win. The movie ends with Bill asking Liu's assistant if Uma knows that her baby is still alive. Yahtzee.

THAT WAS QUICK

Favorite Scene : The scene that shows Cottonmouth coming to power within the Yakuza. Some dude calls her names. She responds by running over and cutting his head off which creates a fountain of blood shooting upward. Sick 14 year old me loved that.

Favorite Lines : “Those of you lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to me now”

“It was not my intention to do this in front of you. For that I'm sorry. But you can take my word for it, your mother had it coming. When you grow up, if you still feel raw about it, I'll be waiting.”

“How'd you find me? I'm the man”

“You can beg better than that!”

“I am finished doing what I sword and oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created something that kills people. And in that purpose, I was a success. I've done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.”

“Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with Samurai swords”

“That woman deserves revenge and we deserve to die”

“Wiggle your big toe”

“Revenge is never a straight line. It's a forest and like a forest, it's easy to lose your way. To get lost. To forget where you came in.

Rating : This movie's getting 7.7 kit kats. There are so many cool things about it. First is the action is sweet. All of the different ways things are shot is sweet. The story is sweet. The music (except for the woo woo vonage song) is sweet. Lots of things are sweet and I really like it.

Alternate ending : I don't care what happens because I need to get into Vol. 2 but Buck always has to die.

What I would do if I was the main character : Buy a gun

What happens in the sequel : You're about to find out.

Uma about to get shot

Copperhead

California Mountain Snake possibly doing some injecting

Hanzo's greatest sword

Uma pre crazy 88 fight

Post Crazzy 88 fight

Black Mamba and Cottonmouth pre-fight

Mid-fight

Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0378194/

Not a huge fan of the opening. Uma is talking directly to the camera. I just think all of her dialogue is a little cheesy. Then we jump to Uma's wedding and actually stay there for a while this time. They are going through the rehearsal when Samuel L Jackson plays them a song. It's his only scene. Random. Things are going great and then Bill shows up. He has a ton of creepy old guy swagger I must say. They talk for a while and Uma introduces him as her dad. In the first movie you might have recall her yelling out “It's your baby” before he shot her in the face so calling him her dad is mega creepy. Bill does have a cool voice and they talk for a while which I don't mind at all. The other assassins show up and do their murdering.

Time for the Budd part of the story. Something about Michael Madsen and Tarantino just works. He is Bill's brother and is by far my favorite of the assassin. Bill shows up at his trailer to warn him that Uma is probably coming. He delivers his we deserve to die line and it's awesome. Budd goes to work as a bouncer in a strip club and basically gets fired. Bummer. At least he wasn't a dancer. That night Uma shows up to take him down but Budd is ready and shoots her with a shotgun full of rock salt. Really hurts and then really burns. He takes her out to a cemetery and buries her alive. It's called a Texas funeral. Don't mess with Texas I guess.

In the coffin, Uma has a flash back to her training. Bill tells her about her new master and he sounds like an awful person. Uma shows up and he just insults her and the beats her down. I swore that the guy was Chow Yun-Fat but it's another Asian guy. Who ever he is, he has the best eyebrows in cinema history. The training is brutal but she is enduring it.

Back to coffin and she pulls out a knife to cut the rope around her arms. Then she starts doing the 3-inch punch that she learned from her master and busts out of the coffin. We get this side view of her climbing out of the coffin and through the dirt. It is bananas. Budd has her sword now and offers it to the California Mountain Snake for 1 mill. Some sword. C.M.S shows up the next morning with a suitcase full of money. While looking through the bills, a snake pops out and bites him like 4 times about the face. C.M.S tells him that it's a black mamba and he has like 5 minutes to live. A most painful 5 minutes. He dies. Right after that, Uma shows up and there's a chick fight. C.M.S really hates Uma. Mid-fight Uma gives C.M.S a swirly and she flushes the toilet so that she doesn't drown. What a useful thing to know. If someone is ever dunking your head in the toilet, even if the water is clean, flush for air. C.M.S gets out of it and says that she killed Uma's master because he ripped her eye out while she was training. They get back to fighting and Uma rips her other eye out. Really gross, I'm not a fan of eyes being outside of heads or the holes that they leave at all. Instead of killing her, Uma just leaves her alone and flailing in Budd's trailer with the actual Black Mamba.

SPOILERS

All that is left for Uma is now to get Bill back. Maybe even kill Bill. She starts tracking him down by talking to his father figure, a pimp. This guy has intense, old guy with an accent swagger. She finds him and her (their) daughter is also there. Quite a shocker to see her girl. They chat a little and Bill shoots her with some truth serum he made. Goes on to talk about how Superman is his favorite super hero which I think is whack because Superman is just a guy who they said “Lets just give him all powers”. He does justify it a little bit but is no true nerd. Lots more talking. They fight and Uma hits him with this like five spot pressure point attack that she learned from her master. On the fifth step that Bill takes, he will die. Amazing. Uma takes her daughter and the movie end

LETS WRAP THIS UP

Favorite Scene : I know a lot of people are claustrophobic and not a fan of coffins but I don't mind the tight space. Wait, everyone isn't a fan of coffins and there are also a good deal of people who are claustrophobic. That makes more sense. It's just sweet how they made her climbing out of the ground look. It's something that I haven't seen before.

Favorite Lines : "How do I look? You look ready"

"I just caught me a cowgirl that ain't never been caught"

"Well you're going underground tonight and that's all there is to it"

"I was very sad. And that is where I learned , some things, one you do, they can never be undone"

"It's wood that should fear your hand, not the other way around. No wonder you can't do it, you acquiesce defeat before you even begin."

Bill, she's just smart for a blonde"

"No, I said I'd do my best. That's hardly a promise"

"I didn't say that I was going to explain myself. I was going to tell you the truth. But if that's too cryptic, lets get literal. I'm a killer. A murdering bastard, you know that. And there are consequences with breaking the heart of a murdering bastard. You experienced some of them"

"I've never been nice my whole life but i'll try my best to be sweet."
"I would've been much nicer. I would've just cut your face"

"Being a fool for a woman such as yourself is always the right thing to do"

Rating : 7.2 chocolate covered pretzels. This movie had more story and character development than the first but I remember being underwhelmed when it first came out. I was expecting another big, bloody mess like the first one and there are only a few minor fights in Vol. 2. Now that I know what to expect I definitely appreciate it a lot more than I did at first. Vol. 1 will just forever be my favorite though.

Alternate Ending : SPOILERS IN HERE SO BE CAREFUL. My first thought was that Bill apologizes but now I think that makes him weak. Maybe you think that apologizing is the even tougher and more courageous thing to do but come on, this is a movie and it doesn't work like that. Bill is a super hard character and must remain that way. I've spent a little time thinking of a way to Bill to die but nothing tops the five points thing. I also thought maybe Uma could accidentally kill her daughter while fighting Bill but no one really wants that. So what I am trying to say is that a small asteroid falls from the sky and kills Bill before Uma can, permanently ruining her need for revenge. Buzz kill.

What I would do if I was the main character : Again, get a gun and get good at shooting. Shoot everyone with a sword from very far away. I would only need one volume for that.

What happens in the sequel : Good News! Tarantino is actually working on a sequel right now. I think it's on line to come out in 2014 if the world doesn't end this year. I'm guessing it will be called something else because of what happened at the end of this. My guess is that it will skip forward like 10-15 years and it will just be Uma and daughter fighting off assassins coming in for their own revenge.