Bosnia and Herzegovina are the newest viewers to the party. That's technically one country if you weren't a geography bee champion like me in the eighth grade. I don't want to waste a lot of time because according to this movie, the earth is going to die soon. Every hour counts.
To also start things off, this movie might have the bloodiest opening credits of all time. It's just text shown on top of blood. I'm not sure how the 9th Friday the 13th movie ended because I've never seen it but this one begins by showing us a captured Jason being observed at the Crystal Lake Research Facility which is a little different from what we saw in the first one (movie #56). He is waiting "cryogenic suspension" because the suits in Washington want to figure out and I guess replicate his ability to never die. That of course won't work because he gets free. A pretty good looking woman ends up being the last person left alive and traps Jason in the cryo chamber but gets stabbed in the process. It all makes a ton of sense. What you do need to know is that together they are frozen to be thawed at a later date.
The later date comes in 2455 when a team of people stumble into the room. They take Jason (who managed to fall and chop off a guys arm while still frozen) and the chick back on their spaceship in order to restore them. One of them looks to be a kind of cyborg. A couple starts to make outright next to Jason's thawing body. The future is weird. In the future they're is also little robots called nanobots that can rebuild bodies so the girl who got stabbed is healed and now the main character. The captain speaks to his boss and for some reason is informed that Jason is worth a lot of money.
The next scene inadvertently taught me a lot about the story. One of the girls on the ship walks into the captains room and says we need to talk about my midterm. We then see her on top of him, squeezing his nipple with some kind of tongs while he yells out "you pass". All the young people on the ship are students and he's their teacher. I guess they were on a sort of field trip to earth when they picked up Jason and the woman. The more you know. Basically although I'm watching this on cable, there are like three different sets of boobs in 5 minutes.
Jason wakes up and instantly gives us such a good death scene. He sneaks up to the woman who's working on him, dunks her head into a sink full of what looks like liquid nitrogen killing her, and then smashes her frozen head into hundreds of pieces on a table. That's the kind of originality we're looking for in a movie like this. Without knowing that Jason is now on the loose, the captain brings the 21st century lady a snack and says they'll be arriving at Earth 2 soon. She asks the only logical thing, what happened to Earth? The captain (who was just getting off to nipple squeezing while wearing a woman's nightie) says everything ecologically on the planet died and they had to leave. Let's take a break for a minute and discuss this. You have written a sci-fi horror movie and in the future, space travel is available. You want to increase the need of humans getting off Earth by saying that it's uninhabitable. I can understand that. What I don't like is the name Earth 2. You just wrote this long movie and one of the more fun things is coming up with the name of a new planet. You get to name a friggin planet! I've always wanted to name a planet. There are endless names that you could have thrown around and Earth 2 is what you came up with? Come on! Right off the top of my head I can think of 5 better names : Jupiter 2, Spaceship Earth, Valkilmer, Jupiter 3 and Butt Mountain. Earth 2, unbelievable.
The woman (I still don't think they've said her name but according to IMDB it's Rowan so I'm going with that) tells the teacher about Jason and how at the research facility they've tried to kill him by firing squad, electrocution, and hanging all to no avail so they decided to free him until they could figure out what to do. Jason kills the male part of the couple that made out after only like 3 lines. What was that audition like? Can you make it look like you're doing it? OK, you have the part. People are dying and the ship goes into lock down. They do seem to have a fairly sizable military force which just means more people to die. Jason takes out five of them before the sixth is impaled. Future humans body count is now at eight right now I believe. I will say that it's been like 15 minute's of the soldiers going after Jason and I would have liked things more if it was the other way around. Voorhees then gets shot at least 400 times and impaled but still manages to take out all remaining resistance forces meaning we're up to 12 on the count now. Oh one of them was cut and half and still was able to tell everyone on the radio to get out. Things like that make this movie worth it.
There are nine people left on the ship not named Jason and he gets to be the hunter again. Wait the pilot get killed, lets make it eight. The lack of a pilot causes the ship to drift into the space port they were supposed to dock at probably bring the death count up to like 1,000,013. At least the ship somehow survived. Jason pops into the bridge where everyone is hanging out and the teacher tries to reason with him before dying. If you're ever around Crystal Lake, be with a person who likes to talk their way out of things because they will be killed and you have a greater chance for escape.
People are losing their cool and the guy that created the cyborg is now making out with him. I can't blame him, maybe it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Jason kills one guy and another girl freaks out, taking and destroying the ships space life boat. Down to four and a cyborg. What happens next? Jason fights and gets a whoopin from the cyborg chick who thinks she's in the matrix of course. The whoopin includes having his arm, leg and eventually head blown off.
SPOILERS TO A SPACE SLASHER MOVIE
Having his head blown off might lead you to believe that Jason is dead but this isn't the first time he's been killed. The nanobots find him and not only revives the slasher but makes him into a metal super killer. Cyborg lady tries to shoot and punch him but he isn't allergic to bullets anymore. The four humans that are left alive and the cyborgs head (which was punched off) make it to an end of the ship and blow the rest off. A rescue ship conveniently shows 2 minutes later but Jason punches a hole in the hull creating a super vacuum. Three make it but one dies, getting sucked through the punch size hole. The mischievous metallic monster continues his chase and wanders into the hologram room which they turn into Camp Crystal Lake. The distraction works for a little while until the ship starts to seriously blow. Rowan, the cyborg creator and her head escape as the ship blows up. Jason is flying right at the ship through space but another guy in a spacesuit hits him, saving the remaining two. Jason crashes down into earth in a lake and some couple goes looking for the "shooting star". The end.
THAT'S THAT
FAVORITE SCENE: The chick having her face frozen and smashed. The sound of that being my favorite might make me look like a weird person, but it's just pretty cool.
FAVORITE LINES: There were some cringe worthy lines, especially ones where people made jokes right before dying.
RATING : 5 chocolate dippin dots candies. In terms of quality the movie is probably like a two but I still enjoy it. The plot is ridiculous enough to keep things as untense as a guy killing 28 people on a spaceship can get. There weren't any cool characters but a number of them did die in ways that pleased me. I don't know the movie is good for a watch maybe with a bunch of people who like bad horror movies once or twice but that's about it. Somehow it made money with a budget of 11 mill and sales of 16 mill. It did drag on for the last 30 minutes.
ALTERNATE ENDING: SPOILERS The black guy doesn't save them and they are left to fight Jason once again. He hangs on to the outside of the ship while they refuse to come out and just wait for him to find someone else to kill on Earth 2. It doesn't take long.
WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER: Not be the manager on anything that sounded even a little like "The Jason Voorhees Project". Also if I was the scientist guy, the cyborg that I would make and get randy with would be made more attractive. Jus Sayin.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL : The only movies that Jason has appeared in after this are Freddy vs Jason and then the remake. A direct sequel to this would be Jason tries to make a new start on Earth 2. The first thing he wants to do is tackle his greatest fear and take swimming lessons out in a spring. The teachers start getting frisky while he's doing his test and he drowns. He tells himself that he should have known better.
This guy's not going to make it
"You thinking what I'm thinking?" "Yup. This dead guy is definitely putting me in the mood"
What are you going to do with that little knife?
Rowan about to sneeze
That's better
Cyborg vs whatever Jason is
Serious question, would you take new super powers if you also had to look this stupid?
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