Severed: Forest of the Dead (2005)
Newest country to the blog this post is Uganda, welcome. So far I've seen the first horror "movies" and the beginning of a horror franchise that has at least 9 titles in it. Neither were particularly amazing but I can tell this one will be the worst so far (posting as I watch again). How you ask yourself in your head because it would be silly to say it out loud? By the cover art of course. Good horror movies don't need to have dumb, stupidly not scary posters. The best horror flicks have artsy, classy, professionally done covers. Here are a few for example.
See just a shark, an egg, a dude out on the street, an arm, and a circle. Simple. Not a zombie head on top of a forest that looks like someone paid me 10 dollars to make on photoshop. I know that just because there's a correlation doesn't mean there's causation, this is strictly just an observation that I've made. Jus sayin though. Hopefully this is a bad movie that knows it's bad, not a stinker that never makes just jump to B status.
Movie time. In the credits someone just named Tink is a producer. Hope that's a girl. Looks like the main characters are loggers, tree huggers and scientists. Can't wait to see how they will all probably have to work together to get away from the dead. A logger cuts a tree and it looks like blood oozes out instead of sap. Somewhere in the chopping the tree spits the chainsaw back out at the guy killing him. Unlike when most people die from chainsaw wounds, he turns into a zombie.
That cuts straight to the main character who is named Tyler. I don't know why, but I want to hit him the face. Some faces just look like they need a good punching. Maybe it's his smugness or the way it looks with his sweater. He plays pool with his dad and it turns into a life lesson. He is sent in to take care of the tree huggers possibly though I'm not really sure. He arrives where their camp should be and the place looks ravaged and deserted. The dead probably had something to do with it. Next thing he does is head to the loggers camp. He doesn't see anyone for a while until a zombie pops out. If you saw someone who's skin is yellow would you instantly attack him or ask multiple times what's wrong with you? He does the asking thing and eventually runs away after a few more show up. Right before he's about to be eaten, one of the original loggers shows up and rescues him. Boo. Maybe if he died the movie would've just ended.
Together they narrowly get to the bunker of the survivors. Looks like two loggers (one severely overacting), a scientist, the lead hippie chick(also over-acting) and Tyler are who we are left to deal with for the remaining 69 minutes. The hippie says something about raping the forest which isn't language a lady should be using.
Movie jumps again to a couple of scientists in a lab examining the blood sap. Jump is the key word in that sentence. If you are going to make a film, have a little direction. Don't just move from a forest to a board room back to a forest and then to a laboratory. I have no clue how much time has passed. There could have been 12 hours that passed between the first guy going zombie and Tyler showing up and it just as well could have been 12 days. Ya ya, I'm complaining about transitions in a movie called Severed but it could at least give us a setting. Anyway, one of the scientists pricks his finger turning him instantly into a zombie. He then kills the other one. Tyler's dad (who seems to be running the whole logging business) learns about the seriousness of the situation and wants to get Tyler out of there. Only problem is that his company is worried about their money and make a plan to contain the zombies meaning no help will be sent in.
JUMP back to the survivors. There is an Asian woman that I guess I missed in my original head count. They decide to leave their bunker and venture back to Tyler's truck. A fight with the dead takes place and the group gets split up. The loggers go one way but the way the hippies take is much more exciting. A few of the tree huggers chained themselves to random trees in the forest so they wouldn't be cut down. Basically they are zombie happy meals. The hippies manage to free up one of them but the other gets eaten big time. The two loggers and the scientist make it to the truck conveniently at the same time as the other party although they went in totally different directions. They all get onto the truck except for the Asian girl who for no reason serpentines around the camp until running straight into a zombie. After numerous arm flailing and tripping she makes it to the truck. It was soooooooooo dumb. I would also like to add that everyone left alive is completely covered in zombie blood but perfectly fine but the lab assistant who cut his fingers died in four seconds. Can't believe there's still 59 minutes left.
They try to drive right out of the forest but they are sealed off. One of the dumbest things I've ever seen in a zombie movie happens. I'm talking about Miss South Carolina dumb. Tyler swerves his car to AVOID a zombie and drives it onto a hill in which it gets stuck. No more transportation. They take off on foot. A logger dies which is good because we need this thing to move along. Boring stuff happens. People talk about their feelings and it looks like the scientist is going insane. Asian chick and guy who was tied to a tree is dead now too. Four to go.
The scientist comes clean about happened. They genetically altered the trees. I'm not making that up. More chatting about feelings. They get in another truck and try to escape again. I noticed that when they do kill a zombie, they really hack into it a lot. No Nearly Headless Nicks in this movie. Right as they are about to die off, the group stumbles on to a lawless camp of loggers. Feelings, kissing and probably some humping takes place now like there aren't more important things to worry about. Just checked, seven minutes left. Tyler and the hippie chick are the only ones left. Next Tyler walks to his own death which is stupid and the girl is alone. After a poor attempt at fake crying, the movie just ends. Yes that's right, after sitting through this whole stupid movie (which took me all day because I had to keep stopping it) the director isn't even kind enough to offer us up an ending. I guess everyone dies. Maybe I not so secretly hope that everyone dies. Really though, who cares?
Favorite Scene : The credits
Memorable Lines : nope
Rating : 2 root beer dum-dums. I don't like root beer and I didn't like Severed, Forest of the Dead. Movie was 95 minutes long and was agonizingly boring. A movie about people dying, returning back to some form of life/brain activity and then trying to eat the remaining people left fully alive was boring. There wasn't a single character to get connected with and the acting sucked. The zombies looked OK but there was nothing original about this,
Alternate Ending : Should be any ending for this post. What I would have like to see is either everyone dies or they make it. Not one character runs out onto a road.
What I would do if I was the main character : I'm not anti-forest or anything but working at a place called the Forest of the dead wouldn't be in my future. The Forest of Pizza Bagels or the Forest of Panda Bears is more like it.
What happens in the sequel : It never, ever gets created.
I'm pretty sure some trees were harmed in the making of this movie.
Movie time. In the credits someone just named Tink is a producer. Hope that's a girl. Looks like the main characters are loggers, tree huggers and scientists. Can't wait to see how they will all probably have to work together to get away from the dead. A logger cuts a tree and it looks like blood oozes out instead of sap. Somewhere in the chopping the tree spits the chainsaw back out at the guy killing him. Unlike when most people die from chainsaw wounds, he turns into a zombie.
That cuts straight to the main character who is named Tyler. I don't know why, but I want to hit him the face. Some faces just look like they need a good punching. Maybe it's his smugness or the way it looks with his sweater. He plays pool with his dad and it turns into a life lesson. He is sent in to take care of the tree huggers possibly though I'm not really sure. He arrives where their camp should be and the place looks ravaged and deserted. The dead probably had something to do with it. Next thing he does is head to the loggers camp. He doesn't see anyone for a while until a zombie pops out. If you saw someone who's skin is yellow would you instantly attack him or ask multiple times what's wrong with you? He does the asking thing and eventually runs away after a few more show up. Right before he's about to be eaten, one of the original loggers shows up and rescues him. Boo. Maybe if he died the movie would've just ended.
Together they narrowly get to the bunker of the survivors. Looks like two loggers (one severely overacting), a scientist, the lead hippie chick(also over-acting) and Tyler are who we are left to deal with for the remaining 69 minutes. The hippie says something about raping the forest which isn't language a lady should be using.
Movie jumps again to a couple of scientists in a lab examining the blood sap. Jump is the key word in that sentence. If you are going to make a film, have a little direction. Don't just move from a forest to a board room back to a forest and then to a laboratory. I have no clue how much time has passed. There could have been 12 hours that passed between the first guy going zombie and Tyler showing up and it just as well could have been 12 days. Ya ya, I'm complaining about transitions in a movie called Severed but it could at least give us a setting. Anyway, one of the scientists pricks his finger turning him instantly into a zombie. He then kills the other one. Tyler's dad (who seems to be running the whole logging business) learns about the seriousness of the situation and wants to get Tyler out of there. Only problem is that his company is worried about their money and make a plan to contain the zombies meaning no help will be sent in.
JUMP back to the survivors. There is an Asian woman that I guess I missed in my original head count. They decide to leave their bunker and venture back to Tyler's truck. A fight with the dead takes place and the group gets split up. The loggers go one way but the way the hippies take is much more exciting. A few of the tree huggers chained themselves to random trees in the forest so they wouldn't be cut down. Basically they are zombie happy meals. The hippies manage to free up one of them but the other gets eaten big time. The two loggers and the scientist make it to the truck conveniently at the same time as the other party although they went in totally different directions. They all get onto the truck except for the Asian girl who for no reason serpentines around the camp until running straight into a zombie. After numerous arm flailing and tripping she makes it to the truck. It was soooooooooo dumb. I would also like to add that everyone left alive is completely covered in zombie blood but perfectly fine but the lab assistant who cut his fingers died in four seconds. Can't believe there's still 59 minutes left.
They try to drive right out of the forest but they are sealed off. One of the dumbest things I've ever seen in a zombie movie happens. I'm talking about Miss South Carolina dumb. Tyler swerves his car to AVOID a zombie and drives it onto a hill in which it gets stuck. No more transportation. They take off on foot. A logger dies which is good because we need this thing to move along. Boring stuff happens. People talk about their feelings and it looks like the scientist is going insane. Asian chick and guy who was tied to a tree is dead now too. Four to go.
The scientist comes clean about happened. They genetically altered the trees. I'm not making that up. More chatting about feelings. They get in another truck and try to escape again. I noticed that when they do kill a zombie, they really hack into it a lot. No Nearly Headless Nicks in this movie. Right as they are about to die off, the group stumbles on to a lawless camp of loggers. Feelings, kissing and probably some humping takes place now like there aren't more important things to worry about. Just checked, seven minutes left. Tyler and the hippie chick are the only ones left. Next Tyler walks to his own death which is stupid and the girl is alone. After a poor attempt at fake crying, the movie just ends. Yes that's right, after sitting through this whole stupid movie (which took me all day because I had to keep stopping it) the director isn't even kind enough to offer us up an ending. I guess everyone dies. Maybe I not so secretly hope that everyone dies. Really though, who cares?
Favorite Scene : The credits
Memorable Lines : nope
Rating : 2 root beer dum-dums. I don't like root beer and I didn't like Severed, Forest of the Dead. Movie was 95 minutes long and was agonizingly boring. A movie about people dying, returning back to some form of life/brain activity and then trying to eat the remaining people left fully alive was boring. There wasn't a single character to get connected with and the acting sucked. The zombies looked OK but there was nothing original about this,
Alternate Ending : Should be any ending for this post. What I would have like to see is either everyone dies or they make it. Not one character runs out onto a road.
What I would do if I was the main character : I'm not anti-forest or anything but working at a place called the Forest of the dead wouldn't be in my future. The Forest of Pizza Bagels or the Forest of Panda Bears is more like it.
What happens in the sequel : It never, ever gets created.
I'm pretty sure some trees were harmed in the making of this movie.
No comments:
Post a Comment