Movie # 21 Shaolin Soccer

Shaolin Soccer (2001)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0286112/

I like kung fu movies and I definitely like soccer so when a movie comes out that is creative enough to combine the two, I will watch it. My expectations won't be high but if it's built, I'll watch it. Right off that bat I got super worried when the credits of this movie made in 2001 look like they were from 1972. Things modern up and we get to see a flashback of soccer game. Any time a sports movie starts by showing some game from the past, there's a good chance somebody lost the game for their team. It just gets the redemption story started good and early. With this being a soccer movie, the guy misses a penalty shot in the final. They lose.

Present day and the guy who missed the shot (named Golden Leg) is now the servant of the coach of Team Evil (not making this up). The boss fires Golden Leg who then says something like “you can't fire me, you were the one who told me to throw the game in the first place”. So golden leg missed the penalty on purpose, what a chump. The boss tells Golden Leg not only a big “so what” but also adds that he paid a guy to cripple Golden Leg's Golden Leg so he could never play again. Why he did it we do not know but it happened.

Out of his servant job, Golden Leg know trolls around the streets of town drunk. One day he walks by a guy doing Jean Claude Van Damme style splits. He talks to the guy who is quite the character. He is a kung fu master that by fusing his mind and body together, kicks things hard. His main purpose in life is to raise the awareness of kung fu so it can be helpful to everyone. A woman slips and falls on a banana peel in slow-mo. It's awesome. JCVD says if she knew Kung Fu, she could've stayed on her feet. Mr. Splits finally reveals that his name is Mighty Steel Leg. He kicks a can pretty much into space and then kicks a fridge 10 feet in the air. Name fits.

Steel Leg has now become the main character and is himself trolling around the city. He passes a woman with burns or something on her face using her own Shaolin to mix and bake sweet buns. Mmmm. Steel Leg instantly becomes enamored with the buns lady and sings her a song. Then out of nowhere, tons of people break out into a choreographed dance to the celebrate good times song. I hated it. After that he meets up with his brother, Iron Head, who together work their job of singing more bad songs. This time it's just the two of them and it's kind of funny. They get fired and walked all over by some thugs. Of course like any kung fu masters, they pledged their teacher that they would never use their skills in a fight. Steel leg is forced to though and beats all the guys up by kicking soccer balls at them.

Golden Leg watches Steel Leg administer the beating and tells him that by joining the big soccer tournament, Steel Leg can show how sweet Kung Fu is too the public. Golden Leg just wants to beat the evil Team Evil who are the reigning champions of the tourney. The can help each other out. Steel Leg goes around the city recruiting his former karate brothers to join the team. They all say no, it's a dumb idea. Then five minutes later they all come together and join the team. Golden leg steps in to be their coach and teach them to actually play soccer. They are starting to get better and I am starting to feel this morning. Went from being campy boring to campy sportsy.

Their first game is a practice match vs a team of cheating thugs. They foul and foul and foul the Shaolin team. Literally beaten and on the verge of cracking they all of the Shaolins Qi or something comes back to them and they start playing awesome. It's awesome. While this match is going on, Team Evil is training one of their players underwater. Brilliant idea that I wish I would have thought of. The tournament finally starts and the Shaolin teams wins their first game like 60-0. Sweet buns chick gets a makeover and the team gets sponsored by puma I think. My notes say that in the semi final they play a team of cross dressing girls. I don't remember that though, I think they are just regular girls. Can't be funny all of the time. For the first time, the Shaolin's are having trouble scoring. They win though, because who else will beat Team Evil in the final.

Sweet Buns fixed up Steel Legs old shoes but he doesn't need them anymore. This bums her out to the point of her tears making the sweet buns salty resulting in her getting fired. Gross.

ALL SPOILERS NOW

The game starts and Team Evil's goalie saves Steel Legs shot which happens for the first time all tournament. The Shaolin team takes a beating in the first half and the goalie gets injured. Game is still 0-0. They almost have to forfeit because they don't have enough players but Sweet Buns shows up to fill in at goalie. Together, Sweet Buns and Steel Leg's combine for a shot so hard that it blasts the goalies clothes off. They win 1-0 Steel Leg and Sweet Buns get married. Kung Fu gets really popular.

Favorite Scene : The first practice when they start getting good a soccer. The soccer fan in me likes when he keeps kicking the target on the wall.

Favorite Lines “ You're beautiful and a Kung Fu master, You got it all!”

Rating : 6.5 raisinets. If you aren't into campy Kung Fu or soccer, definitely skip this movie. If you are, then you'll have some fun watching this.

Alternate Ending : Just for once, Team Evil wins the championship. Steel Leg becomes the Evil Boss' servant. All you can say is “What?”

What I would do if I was the main character : Instead of being named Steel Leg, I would be Steel Keg. Know what I'm saying?

What happens in the sequel? In Shaolin Soccer 2 : Electric Boogaloo, the monks join a dance team to serve Team Sinister.

Byahhh!