Candy and a Movie: Movie #77 [REC]3

[REC ]3 Genesis

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1649444/

Oh boy REC 3. I’m excited. The movie starts by a guy filming events of a wedding like an hour before it’s going to start. The professional photographer tells him to film everything. Oh I bet he will. Everything is great until we see uncle Pepe has a bite on his hand from a dog in the clinic. He thought the dog was dead but it just popped up and bit him. Just saw the groom for the first time and he has some good teeth. As for the bride, she would look a lot better with different bangs.

At the reception we spend a while meeting different family members which I’m sure will be zombies soon enough so it’s good to at least be able to yell “ON NO! THEY GOT GRANDPA TOO” The wife (Clara) says she has to tell the husband (Koldo) something (producer and I both think it involves a baby inside her). There’s dancing and everyone is having a good time until Uncle Pepe starts puking blood and the cops with a hazmat team show up outside. Then Pepe falls over a second story railing and lands on a table. Party ruiner. His wife comes over to help the foaming man and to thank her, Pepe bites off a chunk off her neck. He just won’t stop giving because next he spits the skin and some additional fluids onto a woman who resembles a blue peacock. Mayhem ensues. People are jumping out from everywhere biting the lovely family. And the credits role meaning that was some opening scene. We are now with Koldo, the two cameramen, Clara’s little sister and another random guy who barricade themselves in the kitchen. They chat a little about getting out while we hear continued sounds of screaming and demonic grunts.

The group leaves through an air vent but one of the cameramen can’t fit so he is left behind. Aww sad. Night vision in the pitch black vents time. Once outside the reach the cops but they are currently unavailable to assist because the peacock is eating them. The random guy gets inside the cop car to call for help but I swear he says “Yo quiero Taco Bell”. The cop starts eating him so the remaining three find safety in what looks like a little medieval chapel. Clara calls out to Koldo on a kind of intercom and says that she’s pregnant. I knew it! She is with a priest who says something along the lines of this is the time of Genesis when the bad angel are put into darkness and will be left there until judgment day (the fourth and last movie of the sequence is called REC apocalypse.

Koldo and another guy put on suits of metal armor which they find in the chapel to help them rescue Clara. While he door between her and the bad angel zombies is being busted down we hear a baby cry and she looks at her stomach. Antichrist maybe? The priest gives more information by saying it looks like the demon zombies are moving as one and taking orders from a single malign being. She turns around the corner with another couple they found banging and see two women zombies trolling around. There’s a mirror though and the women look like beaten old hags contrary to the regular appearance. Let’s say they went from maybe a four and a five to a couple of negative 7’s. They corner the priest but he says a prayer that seems to stun them.

Koldo makes it to where Clara was but she has moved on and is looking for him. There are going in circles looking for each other, I wish they were both running from death instead. There’s a TV on and it’s playing the news report from the first two movies. It looks like instead of this being a prequel, its taking place at the same time as the others.

Clara, the guy banging the chick and the children’s entertainer Sponge John (because of copyright infringement he couldn’t be SpongeBob) are the only ones left and make it outside in the rain. She is almost eaten by her mom but Sponge John uses the gun to narrowly save her. Then the Sponge dies because he’s wearing a giant foam suit that he wouldn’t take off. His reasoning why was that there’s was nothing on underneath. Clara and the dude go underground through some sort of trapdoor and he tells her Koldo’s probably dead. She believes it for a second but then after hearing music thinks that he’s alive. Also underground is a chainsaw which Clara picks up. A woman holding a chainsaw? Sounds way more dangerous than the demon zombies amiright fellas? The first thing she does is a dramatic cutting of her dress.

SHE’S GRABBED A CHAINSAW, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. ENDING.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Koldo rekills Uncle Pepe by sticking some kind of handheld blender in his mouth. Clara has a chainsaw fight in which she kills four people, including the freshly bit guy who was with her, and is now alone. Also out of nowhere during the fight she learned karate and was giving zombies elbows and roundhouse kicks. She and Koldo might be the only alive people left. They find each other and after a tense moment involving a closed gate, a ladder, unnecessary stalling because of talking and the one malevolent being. She gets up to him but they are surrounded very near death when someone, probably the priest, starts reading the bible (book of genesis) over the intercom and the all stand in place.

Upon leaving the kitchen, the newlyweds see that it’s day time and their entire families are standing still, zombiefied. They are making their way out of there very slowly and because of that Clara gets bit by an old man with a dead hearing aid. She’s bit on her hand and asks Koldo to chop her arm off. He obliges. They’re so in love! I think the baby has to be infected. The two are about to make it out but see that they are quarantined and Clara starts spitting out blood, zombiefied. She got her arm chopped off for nothing. Or maybe not. He picks her up and she doesn’t bite him. Koldo walks out through the quarantined. He’s ordered to put her down but decides to make out. It’s at this moment that she turns full demon and rips his tongue out. They each get shot with hundreds of bullets but still have the ability and knowhow to reach for and grab each other’s hand. D’aww.

ZOMBIE MOVIES AREN’T SUPPOSED TO END WITH D’AWW

FAVORITE SCENE: Arm chopping. My producer agrees.

FAVORITE LINES: It’s in Spanish so quotes are hard to find on the internet and I didn’t keep track as I went, sorry.

RATING: 5 “foaming zombie candies”. Before I saw what I thought of the movie, read what a woman who reviews for the New York Times wrote

“With slapstick smothering the scares, "[REC 3]" is further marred by a plot in which the muted Catholicism of its antecedents is turned up to full blast.”

If you talk like this, let’s never hang out. It’s sentences like this one that ooze pretentiousness and just suck the fun out of life that make me want to like a movie just in spite of Jeannette Catsoulis. More like Catsoulless. Can’t you just say something like “[REC]3 was a little too campy and lacked the claustrophobic and deeper story lines of the first two. Oh and there was too much loving. I’ve always said what makes zombie movies the best isn’t the zombies or the circumstances, it’s the characters and how we would relate to them if we were stuck in that situation. There was no character development and in the end I only cared a little bit about what happened to Clara because of the scene in the rain. It’s definitely not because she only got wet. In the first movie we had Angela and even Manu and in the second there was the Doc and the police team, all characters I felt for and wanted to make it. It just felt like this movie was dumbed down for some unknown region. There isn’t really a change between the budget’s of two and three so who knows. I’ve seen the first two three times now and will watch them multiple times again because I love them. This one was just ok and maybe it will get another shot but that’s it. Don’t make zombie movies where a romantic drama is the only plot!

ALTERNATE ENDING: Instead of holding hands they should get to knockin boots and consummate this thing amiright? Or just got mental and bite more people.

WHAT WOULD I DO IF I WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER: Why walk out when you have a sword and can run out? SPOILER * Clara will never get bit and I would still have my tongue. I would’ve put on armor too but for this movie it looks incredibly cheesy. We get it; he’s the hero. You don’t need to dress him up in armor to show him off too!

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL: I really have no idea how they’ll wrap things up in the fourth. All I know is Jesus better show up.