Howdy to new viewers from the Ukraine and Taiwan. My new intern (until he thinks of a better name) agrees with me in saying that there is no way that this movie could be bad. Now Vampire Girl vs Quesadilla Girl has a chance at being tough to sit through while Frankenstein Girl should be a quality cinema experience. Not.
What I am about to write actually happened. I would say that I couldn't make it up but if I ever did try to write the worst movie I could think of, some of these things might that place. First off, I was expecting this to be made somewhere in Asia but the opening narration is in English. A guy and a girl are travelling in what looks like the southwest United States. In the way of their path stands three Frankenstein girls. One fights with and kicks the guy into a refrigerator (randomly outside in the desert). That same Franky girl is about to attack the woman when she is bit. Looks like the chick with the guy is Vampire girl. Unlike your usual vampire bite, she pulls the Frankenstein girls skin which unravels all the way to the top of her skull leaving just skeleton. Think of when you pull on a toilet paper roll if you are having trouble picturing the skin unraveling. Next the skull is flung at another one of the Frankenstein girls, biting her nose off and causing her to bleed more blood than is possible to be inside a persons body. The skull continues for no reason to pull the rest of the skin off that girls face. Side note, Frankenstein's shouldn't feel pain to their skin because the nerves aren't attached to its brain but these sure do. OK, also for no reason, Vampire girl sprouts blood swords that randomly grow out of her arms. She uses them to cut off the now second exposed skull of a Franky girl. The last Franky girl attacks with a dull pick axe and gets her arms chopped off as wells as being stabbed in her lady parts. Finally the scene ends and music starts playing. Just checked and including the opening credits, three minutes have passed. This is going to be a struggle.
We move forward to Valentine's day at some school. The movie is Asian(probably Japanese because they are into this kind of weirdness) and the teacher "Baggage Check Time. The guy from the beginning of the movie happens to be in the class and the teacher goes around stealing Valentines Day presents from everyone . Also in the class are two girls obviously in black face and have big fake lips. Most racist thing I've seen in a movie all month.
Nine minutes in and this happens. Apparently is national wrist cutting month there and we get a look at the schools wrist cutting club. After warming up their bodies by doing wrist stretches they "cut to the chase". After class, Vampire Girl gives the guy a chocolate full of her blood which causes him to trip out.
The "Super Dark Girls" club is featured in the next scene. The racism that is featured in the scene is unreal. All four girls are in black face and have on fake lips. One is in a jump suit with a flava flav clock necklace. Another has a spear and is dressed like a tribal African woman. "Hey, hey, hey calm down and tell me how you got so dark girllllll" is the type of dialogue filling the scene. Wow just heard another line : "What are you doing? I told you we drink black coffee now! What are you doing putting that white stuff in there? Who do you think you are, Michael Jackson?". "Have you forgotten Obama's speech? Change, change, change". They all then chat "yes we can".
Vampire girl chats with the guy again letting him know that she's transformed him into one of hers. After that it's back to the wrist cutting class real quick where they are striving to be the best wrist cutters ever.
I really don't know what to say anymore. In the next scene, the nurse kills a guy and the vice principal plays air guitar with is vertebrae after a grotesque amount of blood spray of course all while music is playing. The nurse rubs the guys out of socket eyeballs on her boobs and they attempt to reanimate the body. Whither that is a crucial part of the process, I do not know. While this is going on, the Vampire kills a few people including the teacher.
Back to the racists girls. "My name is Afroreaka. Why was I born Japanese? I wish I was born to the illest race on the planet." Meanwhile at the cut rally (a real thing) girls are judged on who can cut themselves the most. Eventually when one girl cuts her arm off the competition is decided. A few things happen in the next 10 minutes between the guy (who is now fully vampire) and the vampire girl but I'm not going to write about it. Maybe then I can pretend that it never happened. The vice principals daughter fights the vampire, dies and then gets reborn into Frankenstein girl. Her dad uses the the arms of the wrist cutter and the legs of Afrofreaka in the new body.
The fight between the two girls takes place when the guy is captured and put up on a crucifix. Frankenstein uses a drill to detach her knife wielding arm and toss it at the Vampire Girl gutting her. The vampires servant throws a ribcage at one of the extra girls and causes her head to explode. Franky then detaches another one of her arms, attaches it to her head and spins it to be a helicopter. Eventually, Franky gets her head impaled but that only makes her stronger. Just when you thought it was over right? They fight more, Frankenstein girl gets all of her skin removed and kabobbed on top of a replica Eiffel tower. The end finally.
There is no best scene and there are no lines that I want to remember. I looked up the rating to what I thought would be the worst movie that I reviewed and it received a 0.0001. This "movie" gets a 0. It blows my mind that someone has the mind to write this, pitch it to someone, get that persons money and make this into a movie. It also blows my mind that someone would read this script and want to be a part of it. I guess some people will do anything for money. I love stupid movies and have even seen movies that are in the same genre (Tokyo Gore Police and Machine Girl) and gotten through them. This movie sucked. Can you imagine what real movie reviewers would say about it? Me neither because none of them are dumb enough to see it (zero reviews on rottentomatoes). Need a good movie to bounce back on now.
No pictures, I've already wasted enough time on this.
Hiya
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