Candy and a Movie: 2014

Friday, October 31, 2014

Halloween Wrap Up

I made it to 31 horror movies watched in October again. Also, I didn't get anywhere near 31 reviews but to make up for that I made a list of why you should or shouldn't see each movie for Halloween tonight. They're ranked worst to best. The rest of the reviews will be posted in November. To the list!

31. V/H/S Viral

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3704538/
DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......you want to feel like the guy who drank from the wrong cup in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

30. Wolf Creek 2

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2004432/

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......the only other movie you have is Crocodile Dundee 3: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. It's the only worse Australian movie

29. The Last Exorcism Part II

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2034139/

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......it's your only objective in life to see every movie with an exorcism (demon intervention), even the bad ones. This is one of the worst.

28. Wolf Creek

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0416315/

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......you hate your friends and loved ones. There's nothing good about this movie (and I liked the second) so they'll think you don't like them for picking it.

27. The ABC's of Death 2

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2926810/

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......You still frost your tips. You're used to bad things.

26. Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2473682/

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......you are under the influence of something. Actually anything. Drugs, alcohol, quesarittos, ect. It doesn't matter, as long as you are impaired.

25. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1270761/

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......you're under the age of two. They are the only people who might be scared. This is not for people who can talk.

24. The Sacrament

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2383068/

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......instead of wanting to watch a horror movie, you'd rather just watch a lame discovery channel dramatization of Jonestown that would only air at 4:00am

23. Deliver Us From Evil

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2377322/

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......you enjoy wearing jean shorts. Bad characters acting in a boring movie with only one good scene near the end.

22. The Purge

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNLESS......you think slding down the stairs in a laundry basket will work out. Like this movie, it's a good idea that just doesn't work out.

21. Acolytes

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0902952/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF.......you like kids trying to get even. Changed it up a little because this movie wasn't awful. The acting is meh but if you are into thrillers its good enough.

20. Oculus

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2388715/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you don't watch a lot of horror movies. You'll probably like it. There are a lot of movies with this same tone/haunting and they've been done better.

19. The Purge: Anarchy

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2975578/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you might want to legally murder a guy or two. The first Purge should've been more like this. Get out on the streets and start killing. Decent action movie

18. The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070297/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you like campy old kung fu movies. If you don't, then it's not for you. It's ok, not near a must watch though.

17. The Innkeepers

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1594562/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you like being scared but not going anywhere with the scares. That's how this felt. It was ok.

16. Grave Encounters

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1703199/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......abandoned asylums are the best horror movie setting for you. They are for me so I really had a good time watching this. Possibly the worst acting in the whole list though.

15. The Quiet Ones

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2235779/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you grew up in a neutral country and like everything average. Nothing too good or too bad about this one.

14. Insidious: Chapter 2

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2226417/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF.......you liked the first one. It's about the same. Some scary things are scary and some are the opposite.

13. Ginger Snaps

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0210070/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you like Clueless and werewolves.

12. Willow Creek

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2885364/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you like found footage movies that don't have annoying characters as the leads. Most do, this doesn't. Also drink every time someone says bigfoot is a fun game.

11. Annabelle

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3322940/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you can put up with a lot of slow scenes for one really good one. The elevator part was so good it made me feel bad for the character.

10. Black Sheep

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0779982/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......You're with a group who like having a good time and don't mind a bit of blood.

9. Afflicted

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2309961/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you want to see what backpacking through europe turning into becoming a vampire looks like. I did. Also see what jumping out of a four story window looks like.

8. The Battery

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2272350/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF.......you like zombies and pbr. This movie is VERY indie but I happened to like it quite a bit.

7. Poltergeist

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF.......you like Raiders of the Lost Ark and haunted houses. That's how I would describe this.

6. You're Next

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1853739/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you want to see a good version of The Strangers with a very strong female lead. Really liked this one.

5. Don't Look Now

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069995/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF.......You want to watch a great looking 70's mystery/thriller. Some really cool things done with the camera in this one.

bonus
DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE IF.......you can't stand seeing old guy but because there's like 5 straight minutes of boning in here. If you can't skip or play something like panda pop on your phone for a little bit, it may take you out of the movie.

4. Invasion of the Body Snatchers

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049366/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF.......you want to see a top 10 pre-1960 horror movie. The originial is just as good (if not better) than the 70's remake.

3. Videodrome

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086541/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you want your mind to be blown in unsettling ways. What's real and what isn't? I liked it even more the second time watching.

2. Misery

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100157/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF......you've never seen it before and don't know anything about it. Also, if you are one of those tough guys who says that monsters, demons and ghosts don't scare you because you have no imagination because this is real life horror. Also watch if you have seen it before because it's a solid re-watch

1. The Houses October Built

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1958043/

WATCH THIS MOVIE IF.......you want to get sucked in to something good. Is this the best movie on the list? No. It was the best horror experience I had all month. Not perfect because the ending is a little meh but even if you are a person who doesn't like found footage movies, this is still worth the watch.

Hey, this is better than nothing. Watch something good tonight.

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Misery (October Movie 18)

Misery

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100157/

We have a first for this month. I’ve seen Misery before and that’s the only movie I can say that about for October. One of my life’s greatest regrets is seeing the ankle/hammer scene before the actual movie, ruining the surprise. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, stop reading this and watch the movie so it isn’t ruined for you too. Before I die, I want to watch this with someone who (whom) I have convinced that Misery is an inspirational tale about a writer bonding with the person nursing him back to health. They wouldn’t think it’s a horror movie at all. Movie time.

Paul Sheldon finishes writing his newest book and goes out for a drive during a blizzard in Colorado. His car flips off the road (of course) and he's rescued by his superfan (also a nurse) Annie Wilkes. Things are going pretty well. He's slowly recovering and Annie is keeping a good watch on him. Everything is normal until Annie reads some of Paul's new book and doesn't like the start. She yells at him like a crazy person and then tells him "I love you". We have ourselves a psychopathic horror movie now.

Annie completely loses it when she finishes the book and doesn't like that the main character dies. She changes the whole game by saying “no one knows you're here and you're mine now”. Some hostile stuff like that for the first time. Annie leaves and comes back, telling Paul that she just had a talk with God. He told her to change Paul's ways. Step one to that is burning his book on a grill right in front of him.

Annie loses it again when Paul says he doesn't like the paper she bought when she sets him up with a typewriter to try and have him write the story right this time. After a few tense scenes of Paul sneaking around the house and Annie raging, Paul finally writes a draft that is acceptable for her and they have dinner together where he tries to drug her. Unfortunately for Paul, the wine glass that he spiked is knocked over.

One night Annie is acting particularly crazy, takes a gun out, and leaves for a while. Paul does some more snooping around the house and finds out Annie has killed a fair share of people in her time. He grabs a knife, returns to his bed and waits to strike in the morning. That plan fails when Annie busts in during the night and injects him with something that knocks him out. He wakes up and is tied down to the bed. Moonlight sonata starts playing. Annie shows Paul the knife, which she found. She places a block between his legs, grabs a sledgehammer, and whacks both of his ankles, which breaks them. She called it "hobbling". When it's all over, Annie says "I love you" again and the scene is over. So good.

Sometime after all that happens, the town sheriff finally figures out its Annie who has abducted Paul. He shows up at Annie's farm, where she has just drugged Paul again and put him in the basement. The sheriff and her chat a little and eventually he goes off on his own to look around the house. Right as he's leaving, Paul makes a noise in the basement that alerts the sheriff. He opens the door, sees Paul and takes a shotgun blast to the back from Annie. Whammy. Annie tells Paul it's now time that they die together. Paul responds with reminding her that the book isn't finished and she snaps out of murder/suicide mode.

Paul finishes the book and burns it right in front of Annie, which sets her off. They have a big fight with Paul getting shot in the shoulder and Annie getting tiger palmed in the nose. I would love to punch Kathy Bates in the face. I don't have anything against her, just want to. She falls onto the corner of the typewriter and is knocked out. You think it's finally over but Annie attacks once more only to be finally killed when Paul beats her in the face with an iron (actually made of iron).

The final scene takes place 18 months later in New York. Paul is at lunch when Annie walks out as a waitress although it ends up just being a hallucination in his head. The random waitress lady tells him he's her biggest fan, continuing the creepiness. The end.

Rating: 7.7 I really like this movie. It’s definitely one of Stephen King’s better horror movies. I might have it #2 behind The Shining. Annie’s insane character and Kathy Bates acting makes the whole movie. Worth owning.

Favorite Scene: The hobbling is one of my favorite scenes all time, even if it was spoiled. The ominous music, the confusion what a wooden block is doing there and Annie’s calm demeanor are great. James Caan does a great job as Paul in it as well.

Memorable Lines:

What I would’ve done as the main character: Paul handles himself probably better than I would have. Hiding things inside the mattress? Pretty clever. Also I would’ve been bored out of my mind being stuck in that room. I’m pretty sure I’d be dead by the end is what I’m saying.

What happens in the sequel: I really like the ending idea continuing where Paul is still dramatized by what happened and sees Annie all of the place. Let’s have him get captured by Annie’s rival and he has to type on this new thing called a personal computer instead of a typewriter. She sticks with the original script and cuts Paul’s foot off with an axe instead of just breaking it.

Uh Oh! Someones got some bruises!

Don't worry though, your cheerful nurse will take care of you

She'll even go above and beyond her duties

These might be a little too tight though

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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Ginger Snaps (October Movie 17)

Ginger Snaps

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0210070/

I was looking forward to this movie quite a bit actually and was a little let down but I’ve just come to realize something. I don’t really like high school kids. I don’t know what it is about them but I have this I’m better than they are feeling. Am I old? Multiple times this month I’ve talked about them and I’m always describing them as annoying. Is it my fault that every time I pick a kid up at elementary school and see the smug high schoolers next door thinking they’re so cool because they’re on the garbage school basketball team that I think something like “hey buddy, you’re not so cool. I could take you easily in a game to eleven”? Ok, it might be a little. I’ll have to work on this. To the movie.

A little kid finds there dog mutilated in the backyard and his mom absolutely loses her mind. No one seems to care, especially these two teen sisters that have a suicide pact together. There's some beast going around town killing everyone's dogs. Poor dogs, why couldn’t it just kill high school kids? Still working on it. One night the death obsessed girls are attacked and the older one, Ginger, gets bitten all over the place but gets away when the beast gets killed by a truck while crossing the street.

Bridgette and Ginger make it home and Ginger with miraculously already healing. Calling it healing might be a stretch though when we see that there's hair growing out of the wounds on her shoulder. Gingers personality starts changing (she went from goth to skank) and the sisters who were once super close fall apart. Oh and one day Bridgette sees that Ginger is starting to grow a tail.

About a month in an almost completely transformed werewolf Ginger kills the neighbors dog and roughs up the guy she's banging. He starts turning into a wolf next. Bridgette decides to do something about it and starts working on a cure for Ginger. Also the tail is super gross. Ginger goes to school and kills the janitor and guidance counselor. Only the counselor deserved it.

Bridgette goes to the to the big Halloween party and snags Ginger as she's turning into a hairy beast. Bridgette and her drug dealer acquaintance fight Ginger inside her house. The dealer dies first and then after a solid showdown, wolf Ginger takes a knife to the chest. Even though it was a monster, it was still her sister so everyone's sad.

Rating: 6.0 There are good things about this movie and there are also not so good things. It’s a refreshing change up to the dark and brooding tones that I’m used to seeing in werewolf movies. It’s also basically the horror version of Clueless with worse acting. You see, good and bad. The ending makes up for the rest of the movie at least. Good looking werewolves too (as in scary not attractive).

Favorite Scene: The final hunt down in the basement. Not using CGI made it a lot better.

Memorable Lines: “Wrists are for girls. I’m slitting my throat”. Metal.

What I would’ve done as the main character: Can’t think of a whole lot I would’ve done differently. I would’ve made my trap for Ginger a little cleverer and actually got the cure into her. She was super close to her sister and her actions made quite a bit of sense. Good job writer.

What happens in the sequel: The whole high school basketball team is made up of werewolves.

The transformation of a werewolf. First she's a normal goth girl

She transcends to popularity in her next form, the skank

Here you can see the never misdiagnosed six-head stage

Finally we have the complete werewolf

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Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (October Movie 16)

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2473682/?ref_=nv_sr_1

So this is the fifth Paranormal Activity and I’ve seen them all. Generally they tend to be very slow with a climatic last five minutes. It will never blow you away but I enjoy watching with other people. This is the first one where white people aren’t haunted. Time to diversify.

A cholo graduates high school and buys a camcorder. He and his friend drop a go pro camera they also got down a vent to spy on the neighbor downstairs and see her butt naked (she's gross) painting a circle on another butt naked girl (better looking). That night some guy they knew from high school jumps out of the neighbor’s apartment and she winds up dead. I think he did it.

The two dumb main characters decide to break into her now turned crime scene apartment where they hear a baby crying but only find a doll in the crib. There's blood all over the place and they leave with the lady’s journal. Inside of it is a bunch of stuff about demons and portals and stuff. It’s a good read.

They go to a church and with a mirror painted black, try and make a portal to hell I suppose. Even if you're curious, I don't see the point. At best, nothing happens and at worst a demon shows up. Well nothing happens for a while until the noises start. They track them down to a locked stall in the bathroom. They look under the door but it's empty. It's starts banging anyway and the cheese it out of there. Decent scare.

The main character, Jesse, wakes up with a bite mark the next morning and his dog doesn't like him anymore. That's never good. They play Simon (the flashing light memory game, you know it) and that night and it starts working as an Ouija board almost, answering their questions. Jesse and his friend get jumped at a basketball court and somehow Jesse flicks them in the air like 10 feet. More Simon Ouija that night. It's answers yes to "did you send those guys flying tonight" but nothing to "are you good". Also no to "are you my guardian angel".

Jesse wakes up the next night and has some super powers. He can jump really high, blow up air mattresses really fast and lean back really far. Not amazing powers at all. Jesse and his friend go to a party and bring two chicas back to the dead ladies apartment. The one chica Jesse is with starts talking dirty and asks him to go get some supplies for the humping that is about to happen. While she is alone, she finds a trap door. The skank peeks down it and a hand grabs out at her head. I jumped. Jesse shows back up and is confronted by the guy who came out if the trapdoor (same guy who murdered the old lady). The guy tells him that he was also bit and it makes you do bad things. The only way out is by killing yourself. Oh yeah, his eyes are completely black too. He runs away and jumps off the church to his death. Biggest jump yet.

Jesse and his cousin go down the trap door the next day. They find a bunch of pictures of Jesse down there, including ones of his mom pregnant with him. A random lady in a black (power) suit shows up but nothing happens. Jesse pulls black strings out of his eyes and makes a scary face into the mirror really fast. I don't like things with eyes.

They go to the church jumpers house and see that he's been researching about kids all over the world who are "marked" like him and Jesse. Later that day, everyone is at the store and Jesse loses his cool on some guy. He freaks out about not being able to be in control of himself later and tells the demon to leave him alone through the Simon Ouija but is answered no. That night Jesse hears his dog down the trapdoor. He goes down and finds two black eyed creepy girls. He starts running away but a dark shape slams him down in the basement. After a few tense moments, a thing jumps him with a demon like growl.

Jesse is acting all bananas now. His cousin and friend go to a demon expert and learn that Jesse was probably marked as a fetus by a coven called the midwives to be possessed when he matured. The cousin comes home to see Jesse laughing while his dog is pinned against then ceiling with mind powers I guess.

If ever there was a time for a demon intervention aka exorcism, it's now. Grandma starts saying some Spanish prayers when he freaks out and grabs her. All the lights turn off so we're switched to night vision for a second. A corner of the room looks like it's being sucked up with a vacuum when bam, Jesse and all of the light reappears.

The next morning, Jesse is still passed out from the previous nights activities so grandma runs him a bath. The bath doesn't go great because Jesse pushes grandma down the stairs, which creates pool of blood on the sidewalk around her head. Bad Jesse! He then attacks his friends but gets kidnapped by the witches.

Jesse's cousin, friend and two cholo gangstas find the house where the witches took him and try to get him back. A few witches pop out at them and take shotgun shells to their guts. They get separated so the friend (and us) is all alone. That lasts for like a minute when the cousin blasts through the ceiling, dead and witches are popping up all over the place. Monster Jesse chases the friend all through the house and finally to a weird looking door. He enters it and finds himself in the house from the first movie. Katie shows up and stabs Micah again, while demon Jesse shows up again and kills the friend. The end.

Rating: 4.9 They tried in this one at least by tying the ending in the all of the previous movies. The acting might be at an all time worst in this one and that’s saying something because usually these are D listers at best. I was going to say that it would probably be cool if this was the last P.A. but it seems another is planned for 2015. I’ll probably see it and not really like it, just like the other ones.

Favorite Scene: Walking through the church in the dark. Churches at night are spooky places.

Memorable Lines: 0

What I would’ve done as the main character: I’m not saying that I believe in all the exorcism stuff, but I have enough doubt that I’m trying not making portals to hell. Instead maybe I would join an indoor soccer team. Much better character building and stronger possibility to make not evil friends.

What happens in the sequel: Well the next one is called the ghost dimension. It would please me very much if they actually show a ghost dimension and not just say things are from there. The budget for this one was only 5 mill so I can’t imagine it looking very good.

It could've just been a big dog

Ay Papi!

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Acolytes (October Movie 15)

Acolytes

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0902952/?ref_=nv_sr_1

I didn't know anything about this movie going into it except for Joel Edgerton was in it and I'm a fan of his. I didn't even know what an acolyte is which looks bad for me because this movie is Australian and half of their vocabulary is the C word. Movie time.

A girl is out taking a walk through the woods. She's doing a little hiking, playing with butterflies and other woodsy things. Some time later a high schooler named Mark is walking through the same said woods and sees a guy burying something. The digger gets away but Mark gets a good look at his truck. Mark goes to school later and tells his friend James and his girlfriend Chasely about what he saw. They all like to up the punx so they head to the woods and dig up whatever the random guy was burying. Unfortunately it's a body. They freak out and make it their mission to track down the truck of the gravedigger more out of curiosity than justice though.

On their way home, they drive by a random guy with a swastika who chases after them. Story takes a dark turn when James tells us that the Nazi raped him and Mark when they were younger. Yikes. After a while they find the truck and track it down to the guys house. It's Joels and he has a serious bad guy mustache going on. James leaves Joel a note a sign that they know what he did and call him that night telling him to go kill the racist dude in the next 24 hours or they're calling the cops.

There's a scene where James and Chasely go to the bonezone (there must be a fan blowing on her somewhere because her hair is all over the place) and Mark gives himself a low-high five while looking at himself in the mirror at the same time. Weird and sad. When that ends, Joel shows up to kill the rapist but instead asks him info about the Mark and James instead.

The next day the rapist captures all of them and drives the punks to Joel. They're let loose in a trailer park where the rapist tries hunting them down with with a crossbow. James jumps on him though and Mark kills him while Joel watches. A day later or so James is caught and killed by Joel. The killer then picks Mark up and wants him to be his Acolyte (there it is) and kill some hitchhiker with him. Mark says no and is driven to Joel's house where he has Chasely tied up.

Joel puts a gun up to her head and tells Mark to tell her the whole story about what happened in the woods at the beginning or she'll be killed. Mark says that he was hanging out in the woods and wanted to feel the girl up a little bit. As she was running away, the rapist was randomly driving by and hit her with his car. Joel got involved because he found it. So that's what happened. Joel's wife walks in and stabs Mark in the stomach. You could say that she's a bad example for her infant child. Or possibly she's just a very average Australian.

Mark dies but before doing so takes the knife out of his chest and stabs it in Joel. Chasely really kills Joel and gets away. End movie.

Rating: 6.2 Acolytes started out very slow but turned into an enjoyable one time watch thriller. The main characters being your cliche rebel high school kids was meh, especially James but once he got out of the way it was better. Movie went all in with the back story of the kids being rape victims but it ended up working with the main plot. The acting was generally nothing great but the cinematography looked very nice.

Favorite Scene: The basement when everything is revealed.

Memorable Lines: still nothing

What I would've done if I was the main character: Not mess with a mentally disabled girl in the woods and then cover up her death. Also I wouldn't make deals with my rapist for covering up the crime and then get in shady dealings with known murderers. Just a slew of different decisions.

What happens in the sequel: Chasely changes her name to something real and gets revenge by killing Joel's wife and raising their kid as their own. That's revenge right?