Candy and a Movie: Movie #55 Kaydara

Kaydara (2011)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1869509/

Ecuador, I should’ve known better. One night I was looking around for movies to watch and I stumbled on to this turd. It’s another Matrix movie. The sequels weren’t all that great in terms of movie quality but I still found them interesting enough to watch this. Remember movie # 6 Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus? How could you forget? Well that probably counts as a “B” movie. It’s bad and it knows that it’s bad so things are made to be over the top humorous. This was wayyyyy worse than that. We’re talking “C”, maybe even “Z” bad. I’m not adding a spoiler section because hopefully I can spoil this enough that you won’t watch. Let’s just get this over with.

What I did expect to follow the opening credits is bad metal music. Everything else was a big surprise. Things are in first person and we are walking around the green, matrixy world. Boom, a rat with sunglasses falls from the sky. It’s raining and night I might add. Then he jumps into the sky. What I am now watching is a mix of CGI backgrounds and a claymation flying rat. Should have known better and just turned it off right here. I kept going because it’s probably one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. A bunch of mouse agents show up and the rat gives them a beating. There is one left and the scene just ends. Hopefully we won’t be back.

Things start as an eye ball and fade out to a sweaty guy. I don’t like eye balls and don’t appreciate that shot. He plays with the rat as a character on this computer like thing. It shows that he is on one of those ships with the electric circle things on the outside and he eats some nasty looking gruel. That’s it.

Now we see a guy in bed and he has the shakes. He then punches the air and a light bulb breaks. I imagine that this couldn’t have been the first time that something like this has occurred. His chest is also unnaturally hairy. Maybe that’s what happens to chests in the future. Some stuff happens in the next 10 minutes but I couldn’t tell you what happens because I don’t know myself. There is finally some dialogue and it’s dubbed over. I really can’t stand dubbing. If it’s not in English, just throw some subtitles on it. Seeing mouths move and words come out that don’t fit just throws the whole thing off for me.

The ship takes off and head for the surface. Chest hair says that the one does not exist. He gives a whole speech about human kind, not into it. Another ship shows up and they start speaking French. I guess this stuff is not important enough to get dubbed so that means I can tune out. Out of nowhere the French dude just starts blasting missiles at them and I get the feeling that it’s only because the director wanted to show some explosions. Two other people show up in the ship and man the guns. Have they been there the whole time?

This is the point of the movie where I really did stop watching but I eventually did come back in finish it because I’m dedicated or something. Instantly I forgot about how bad the dubbing is but the actual lines might even be worse. In the middle of the chase between these two ships. The guy who was eating the gruel (the pilot) actually says “We’re doing badly, the might kill us”. Really? You are telling us play by play of how a robot would describe things. We learn that chest hair is named Kaydara and he gets ready to fly out of the ship. Again the pilot (who we learn is his brother) says “What are you doing? Are you mad? Are you going to die?” Its official, things would be better off in French. He asks for a spoon (the rat had a spoon in the beginning) and flies into the French ship. He stabs the guy to death with a spoon, grabs a little girl, blows the ship up and flies to his own. He then says that the girl is the only survivor. I don’t think that’s how it works. When you show up at some disaster and find people, you can say you found survivors. When you are the disaster and kill everyone else, you say that whoever is let is someone you didn’t kill. Also the girl has no lines and adds nothing whatsoever to the movie meaning she could have died and it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Oh there is more bad metal music playing while Kaydara is flying around.

Back on the ship, Kaydara thinks that he has found The One. I have to keep calling him that because his character doesn’t have a real name. Bummer. He jacks into the Matrix and instantly has to fight five agents. He yells and they all get blown back. Then he gets into what I thought was a slow mo fight but it’s really just him and the agent doing really slow karate in real time. The agent shoots at Kaydara who does two completely unnecessary spins and cuts the bullet in half with a sword. Then kills the agent by throwing a sword at him while he was holding a gun in his other hand. If you were going to go that route, why not let the gun throw a bullet at him? His brother informs him that the building is now full of agents so he just jumps off of it.

I just checked and there is only 20 minutes left, I can do this. Kaydara finds The One while he is stopping bullets mid air and pushing agents to their deaths through walls. I can’t believe it but Keanu Reeves might have actually taken a role in this and played himself. The guy does look very similar to him. Kaydara pulls out his sword and stabs it into ground, challenging The One in a fist fight for no apparent reason. On the computer, the Matrix turns from green to red which I’m guessing is a bad thing but we never learn. After like five minutes of them just blocking each other, The One finally lands a kick and knocks Kaydara back like 20 feet. Again, I don’t know why they are fighting; I thought all humans are kind of on the same side. Kaydara gets back up and they grab each other’s necks causing both a tornado and an earthquake. Again, Kaydara gets hit and this time bleeds a good deal. An agent shows up and The One saves Kaydara from getting shot. They now start fighting agents while still fighting themselves. I bet it would be cool if it didn’t suck.

That ends and they get back to the just trying to kill each other stuff (although Kaydara is the only one trying to kill the other). It’s sword vs. big metal staff and the staff wins. The One hits him back, takes a call and flies away. Kaydara starts crying because he lost. The One then breaks into this one chick’s room and I guess he is looking for the phone she had because when she throws it out the window, he jumps after it. He catches it on the ground and when answering, sees a picture of the rat from the beginning. Then he starts like disintegrating with Kaydara saying that he fell for the trap. If you knew that you had a trap set for him, why were you just crying two minutes ago when you lost? The brother on the ship downloaded him a virus and as Kaydara is about to kill him, he says stop and delete the virus because he doesn’t deserve to go out that way. Kaydara goes in for the kill but this time his brother pulls the jack out of his head on the ship, saving The One. If I remember correctly from the other real Matrix movies, when you do the unplugging, that person dies. It then starts raining and Kaydara keeps asking to be plugged back in and finally does die. The brother then jacks in and stares down The One like he needs to get revenge and isn’t the one who just killed his brother. I have to say that this is just stupid. Maybe people in the fake Matrix future are just dumber than people from the real Matrix future and don’t get how murder works? Anyway, The One blocks his stab attempt and flies off while the brother holds onto his dead brother’s body that he just made dead and wants revenge. Movie ends. What the crap.

Favorite Scene: When they come up to Earth’s surface because at least the CGI doesn’t look awful. That’s the best thing that I can say.

Memorable Lines: None. The two that I would like to forget have already been said.

Rating: 0.0001 Pieces of poop in a Snickers wrapper. There are movies like Mega Shark that sure, they suck but they are like that for a reason. The director actually knew what would look bad and filmed things to look that way. This is just awful. Honestly, if I made it and watched the finished production, it would never make it out to public for anyone else to see because I would be too embarrassed. There is no way that it helped the careers of anyone involved. I would have to guess that all of the actors kept it off their credits. Reality TV stars are better actors than these people. I’m serious; Snooki could come in and pull of a better gruel brother than whoever this guy was. And just when the acting and cinematography was getting bad enough, the ending happened. I want to know how skilled the writer was come up with something that crappy and still be able to have it actually get worse. Take that Kaydara.

I’m skipping the other little features (last thing I want is a sequel) and instead going to list things I would have rather done instead of watch this movie:

1 1.) Watch something else. Maybe He’s Just Not That Into You because I promised one of my chick flick coordinators that I would.

2 2.) Take my car out and just drive around, wasting money. That’s right, if I could, I would’ve paid not to watch this.

3 3.) Give myself a tattoo. I don’t know how so I probably would just keep stabbing myself with the end of a pen. Still better. It’d be of a Walrus or something

4 4.) Shave without and shaving cream