Piranha (2010)
WARNING: AMAZING MOVIE CONTENT
Oh boy this movie. My producer and I were having trouble picking a movie to watch. Ended up choosing Piranha because Elizabeth Shue is in it. She ends up only being on screen for like 20 minutes but in the end, she is like the 20th coolest thing I saw. First of Richard Dreyfuss, who has won an Oscar for best actor, is the horror movie opening scene death. That means he does 0% acting. Just fishes on a boat and then gets eaten by piranhas. I am getting ahead of myself though. First let me tell you how the piranhas get free. Dreyfuss drops a beer into the water that sets off a HUGE earthquake when it gently nestles against the bottom of the lake. That opens up a bunch of caves and releases thousands, maybe billions of prehistoric man eating fish. The first man that they eat is Dreyfuss and now we're caught up.
Once you get past those first THREE minutes, things don't exactly slow down. It's the beginning of spring break and the mood has already been set off. Bikini's and bros on party boats cover the lake that now is infested with piranhas. Elizabeth Shue and Ving Rhames are cops who have already past their limit on acceptable young adult shenanigans. I waited all movie for Ving to say something resembling “I'm tired of these damn kids” but it never came. Disappointing. We see a decent looking nerdy kid getting picked on by uglier and/or fatter cool kids. That nerd, Jake, ends up being our main character. He really doesn't add anything to the movie which is a bummer mostly because he is actually the grandson of Steve McQueen in real life. Imagine that guy in this! The fat kid from stand by me, Jerry O'Connell is a porn director planning to shoot a movie and needs a local to drive his boat around and take him to all the cool spots. In steps Jake.
Back to Shue and Ving. Someone reports finding Dreyfuss' boat and they have to check it out. It's night time and pretty creepy out. Personally I would throw the idea of lets come back in the morning but sometimes crime never sleeps. Shue gets too close to the water, falls in, and gets hugged by Dreyfuss' mostly eaten body. I might have jumped.
It's now day time and Shue tells Jake(her son) to have a good day babysitting his two younger siblings. Instead of watching them however, he goes to be captain of the Jerry O'Connell porn boat 2010. Some chick who he kind of likes and kind of likes him is on the boat gets on the boat too. I don't know whats going on between them. She is either trying to make him jealous or is mad at him. Kids. There are two porn stars on the boat and I swear one of them looks like the girl who used to be the pink power ranger. It's not of course because although I haven't seen her in 10 years, she is too much of a lady to be showing off the goods. Speaking of the goods, the two girls are now completely naked. You see everything. I think I might have seen one of their spleens, it wasn't a good angle. The girls get in the water and look like mermaids, just with legs and lady parts and no fins or starfish bras. They stay underwater together for like 10 minutes, it's real talent. The girl Jake likes is getting angrier. Or more jealous.
The two kids that Jake is supposed to be babysitting go out on a boat and get stranded on an island. That is going to suck once the piranhas get wild. Derrick from Step Brothers shows up with a team of fellow seismologists to study the earthquake. While searching underwater, two of the seismologists get eaten and Derrick escapes while managing to capture on of the piranhas. This marks the first time that someone has seen the fish. They take it to the local expert, who happens to be none other than Doc Brown! He tells them that the fish are prehistoric. Shue and Ving rush back to town to shut down the lake but it's too late, the carnage has already begun. Lots of topless chicks are hanging around and they pretty much just become meat pouches to the fish. It's gross but a para-sailing chick makes it a true statement. College kids are just being torn to shreds now. I am going to try and paint a picture of what is happening. Imagine the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. Keep the screaming and the intestines, replace the soldiers with wet t-shirt contestants and replace the Nazi's with giant dinosaur fish. One girls hair gets stuck in a propeller and she basically gets her scalp ripped off. Gnarly.
Meanwhile, one of the porn stars just got eaten. They two now understand that things have gotten real. Jake sees his siblings on the island, picks them up but the boat gets stuck on some rocks. The boat breaks free only to get caught again, this time sending Jerry O'Connell into the water. If you ever need to be pulled out of something, do not rely on a porn star. The pink power ranger absolutely, the pink cable repairman lover no way. Jerry gets pulled out of the water and literally has no meat left on his legs, just bones. He dies.
Ving gets in the water with a propeller to save some kids. After dicing up a bunch of fish, he gets eaten. Sad face. If you really, really don't want to know the ending you should stop reading now. If not, proceed. Okay it's right about now that something beautiful happens. I have seen a fair amount of these B-movies. For some people like Shue, Ving and Doc Brown, these are the only kind of parts they get anymore so they take it seriously. Adam Scott is a new actor with a promising career ahead of him. He has high aspirations and it's at this moment he discovers what a P.O.S movie he is in and completely stops trying to act. All of his lines now are “I don't know” or “whatever” and he delivers them with absolutely no emotion. It's a great thing to watch. Shue gets to where Jake and the kids are to save them. It's impossible to get in close so they hang a rope between the two boats to get across. The kids and Shue make it. Pink power ranger gets eaten. Jake and his girl acquaintance are the only ones left. With no desperation whatsoever they escape. Movie ends with Doc Brown telling them that those piranhas are just babies. Scott asks in his I don't care voice “The babies huh? So where are the parents?” and gets eaten by a giant fish that jumps out of the water. Roll credits.
Final Count: Not that I made a huge deal about this but I could tell that this horror movie would follow the old rule of B&B(boobs and blood) so I decided to keep a nudity count. The final numbers are 33 Boobs(yes an odd number meaning I actually counted, didn't just count girl and multiply by two, sigh) 2 Vajayjay's (that are always in close proximity to each other) and one detached dong (just floating in the water with no owner).
Favorite Scene: There are just so many. When you think Jerry O'Connell is dead but comes back to life to say “Wet T-Shirt. Wet T-Shirt” and then really dies.
Favorite Quote: In favorite scene(above) also “Here we go. Check it out. The fish with Boobies”
Rating : 2 double bubbles if we are talking about quality but 8.5 trident layers if you are watching for good times. I had more fun watching this movie than I have had for a while. If only it had the real Steve McQueen, not this Steven.
Alternate Ending: The voice of someone sounding like Adam Scott getting eaten is played on the screen because he refuses to come out of his trailer to continue shooting. The same happens with Shue and Doc Brown. Richard Dreyfuss is still hanging around for no reason and gets thrown back into the plot. He saves the pink power ranger, loses the kid, says a horrible fish pun and then gets eaten. Kind of want to see this train wreck instead of everyone surviving.
What I would do if I was the main character: maybe hurry up and leave this kissing till after everyone was safe. Also if I saw that Kelly was that into me, I would've made a move way sooner. Come on dude, she was pretty hot.
What happens in the sequel : I'm pretty sure they are making a sequel and I will definitely be seeing it in theater because these movies have to be watched with a bunch of people. Maybe even in 3 or 4D. I don't know how they will do it, but I'm hoping that the fish somehow can make it on land. I'm talking about a possible wings/lungs combo. Maybe some other dinosaurs come back too. Less teenagers, more Shue and Doc Brown
What to take away from this movie : Piranha don't get full and they love eating eyeballs.
We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat
Sounds like a much watch!!! HAHAHAHAHA A detached dong?!?! wtf
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