Pre-Screening Special! Movie #17 21 Jump Street

21 Jump Street (2012)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1232829/

I know what you're thinking. This movie doesn't come out for 2 ½ more weeks. You must be a pretty important dude to have seen it already. Well thanks for thinking that. There is this website, gofobo.com, along with a couple others where you can get tickets for advance screenings. I know this sounds like a plug for them but it's not. Use it to your advantage. You can get three awesome things out of it, see a movie, see it before it comes out and see it for free. I think there are tickets available for this movie available Oviedo theater on March 7. Tickets do run out so get on it. Boom.

Because this movie isn't out yet, I'm going to do things a little different. First of all, I laughed the entire time. I want you to see this and because of that you are going to get two reviews. The first is a very, very basic synopsis. The second will be the normal kind review. Don't read the second if you haven't seen the movie because I don't want to spoil anything. If you have 0 interest or are just a bad boy/girl I suppose I can't stop you but it's for your own good.

First review.

Movie is funny. Think of it as a funnier Superbad. At least 10 really solid guffaws and a bunch of other laughs. I never saw the show so I can't compare it to the movie. The show was before my time, I'm sorry. Anyway these two dudes, still chunky and funny Jonah Hill along with a surprisingly funny Channing Tatum meet one day in high school. Randomly after not seeing themselves for 7 years they both sign up for the police academy on the same day. After a while they find out that they need each other to graduate and become friends. After a while on the force they get assigned to go undercover as high school students and bust a drug ring. There that's it. A pretty large number of other funny characters are in the movie too including Rob Riggle, the guy who plays Ron Swanson, the guy who plays Dr. Leo Spaceman, Ice Cube(actually funny), the girl who replaced Pam on the office and and a bunch more.

Now begins spoiler central. Be mature.

About that maturity thing, a lot of the laughs are purely from some “crass” language. That's not really a spoiler. Neither is the fact that they don't let you bring your phone in the theater so I couldn't take my usual notes. That's a bummer for all of us.

21 jump streets starts out in 2005 with a high school Jonah Hill who is dressed just like Eminem. He tries asking out a pretty hot chick to prom and gets brutally denied. Channing Tatum (Jenko) with long hair overhears it and rips him good. Jenko then learns from the principal of the school that he can't go to prom because his grades blow. Both he and Hill(Schmidt) end up leaving the school crying. Skip forward seven years and Schmidt is signing up to join the police academy. Jenko is not book smart at all and Schmidt is well, a chunky guy trying to get through a sort of boot camp. They need each other and come friends.

After they become cops they expect a life of adventure but end up on bicycles looking over a park. There are a bunch of funny things they do like stopping a kid from feeding ducks and getting a Frisbee out of the lake. Finally they see a bunch of bikers smoking weed and think they have a real bust. After searching one of the bikes, they find a bag of coke and the bikers take off. They get in a chase and Jenko eventually chases down one of the guys and instead of telling the dude his Miranda rights, they just kind of dry hump him and fake t bag. Really funny stuff like that. Of course they get called into the captains office who is Ron Swanson. He says some really funny line about how they are going to try some undercover operation from the 80's because they can't come up with anything original anymore. You know what they are really talking about though right? It is funny.

Once they get to 21 jump street they find out that they are going undercover and were selected because they look like Bieber and Hannah Montana. Ice Cube is their new captain. I'm not a big Ice Cube fan and he isn't really funny in this scene, but for the rest of the movie he was on. They are supposed to uncover and stop the supplier of a new drug. They watch a youtube video of a kid on the drug and it's really funny. Part of the gig is them moving back in with Schmidt's parents who don't add a lot to the laughs really. First day of school Jenko is teaching Schmidt how to be cool but it seems that in 8 years that things have really changed. He has gone from being the cool kid to not fitting in. He punches a gay black kid(there is a whole I didn't punch you because you are gay talk) which gets them sent to the principal and threatened that one more mess up will result in expulsion and the end of their operation. When giving them their schedules, Jenko forgets his new alias and takes Schmidt's hard classes while Schmidt spends time in art and drama classes.

They began to infiltrate the students and try to earn their trust. Right off the bat Jenko messes things up with James Franco's little brother, who happens to be the main drug dealer. It's very believable and he actually sounds exactly like James. Schmidt begins making eyes at his girlfriend Molly and they become friends. The actress who plays Molly happens to be the same age as me and I'm a good distance past being a high school senior. I was into her but my friend wasn't so you get to make the deciding vote on her. Just like the you know when the principal said that they were close to getting expelled that they would be, when you see the way the camera shows Schmidt looking at her you know the two would get involved. Schmidt asks Molly about the drugs and she points him in the direction to go. He gets Janko and they end up meeting little Franco for the drug. They each get one and Franco makes them take it in front of them to show that they were cool. Right after swallowing it, they rush to the bathroom to puke it up. They fail and end up trying to “finger each others mouths” to get the drugs out. This whole thing killed me. They failed again and feel the full effects of the drug throughout the rest of the school day. Again killed me.

Now I am starting to forget things so bear with me. Jonah Hill ends up being friends with the cool kids and Tatum ends up hanging with the nerds. It's just more funny that way. To be even cooler they throw a party and invite everyone. Tatum gets his nerd friends to put a bug in Franco's phone and Hill ends up getting Franco's back in a fight. That whole scene is funny too. After the party they are both officially in. While each continues to spend more and more time with different groups, they themselves grow further apart. Their inevitable fight and break up from being brothers happens but it doesn't take long for them to get back together. The big showdown at prom happens and the supplier ends up being Rob Riggle, the P.E coach. Out of nowhere Johnny Depp and who I can only guess used to be his partner show up as undercover cops themselves. The whole movie theater went nuts. I guess there are a lot fans from the original show. Rob Riggle ends up getting shot in the dong and while handcuffed, picks up his own dingus with his mouth. If you are counting, that is now two detached dongs in three reviews. Maybe it's a new trend, I'm certainly not into it.

Favorite Scene : Most people will say it's their drug trip and that was certainly hilarious but I really laughed hard at Riggle yelling during the school play. It was gold.

Best Quotes : I'll have to update later because I couldn't write them down and they aren't on the internet yet. Only one for now is “Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?” “Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.”

Rating : 8 really solid Riesens. I thought the movie would be fun to watch and it definitely was. Didn't think Channing Tatum would be funny but he really was. All of the other comedians just added laughs. Set it up for a sequel that I wouldn't mind seeing at all.

Alternate Ending: The supplier ends up being Ron Swanson. They screen the movie and everyone boo's because his one scene wasn't enough, they want more. Also you end up not seeing his johnson making things much easier for my soul.

What I would have done if I was the main character : If I was Hill I probably would've realized that I'm like 10 years older than this high school chick and it's creepy. I wouldn't have used that Rainman joke either because I don't think it would've worked on high school students today in real life. If I was Tatum it wouldn't matter what I did. I'm good looking enough that I could do no wrong. I'd probably get in a lot of fights to look hard. Life wouldn't be so bad.

What happens in the sequel : They are underground college students. Hill is in charge because he is actually smart enough to be there. This time Hill stays with the nerds and Tatum is with the Jocks. He makes the basketball team and slacks off until coach Carter gets hired to set him straight. Hill gets with a chick he would have no chance with in real life. Real, predictable stuff.

You always had a way with words, Dave

Movie # 16 Paranormal Activity 2

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1536044/

First off, welcome to new viewers from Canada and the UK. Things are really popping off.

On to this movie. I saw the first Paranormal Activity and it was pretty meh. Acting was crappy but I will say that it was very fun to watch in a movie theater. I sat next to this latina lady who spent the whole movie on her boyfriends lap and kept yelling “Aye Papi” at every scary moment. That wasn't what made the movie fun though. It was the pop out scares for sure.

Unless you really liked the first one, there is no reason to watch Paranormal Activity 2. It's the same movie, just with a different side of the family. The acting blows, it's super slow in the beginning and super faced paced in the last 5 minutes.

Plot time. We begin by meeting the family. They have a baby and it's crying. I think it might be possessed! You learn that this family is related to the couple in the first one. The mom is Katie's sister. Set six weeks before Paranormal Activity, everyone is this prequel is at a party at the family's house back by the pool. They go back inside to find the place trashed and think they were robbed. I think they were ghostisized. Here comes my first problem with the plot of a movie about demons. If you think you just got robbed, would you install security cameras or an alarm system? They went with the cameras. To me the alarm would have been more preventative but what do I know, I've never owned a house.

Night 1: Cameras on. Show different areas of the house and they look dark and creepy. Then something happens. Ghost's kills everyone? No. Ghost writes all over the walls? No. Ghost beats up the daughter? No. Ghost turns off the pools lights? Yes. Boom. The next morning their latina maid says she feels bad spirits in the house. I'd listen to her. Later in the day the mom and the baby are in the kitchen and the high top chair gets ripped over. I jumped. Then the mom and dad get ready to do it in the bath tub. I'm not sure if it's more or less hygienic but I was glad that I didn't have to watch it.

Night 2: My producer alerts me that this movie is unrealistic because a baby that big wouldn't have a mobile for it is a well know strangulation hazard. Then said mobile moves on it's own. Does nothing in terms of scaring me.

Night 3: Nothing happens

Night 4: Everything that happens in night 3 happens again.

Night 5: At this point I am just waiting for the dog to hear something because I guess animals have that 6^th sense. The maid is home alone babysitting this time. There is a really loud bang. The door in the baby's room that was once closed is now open. Maid tries saying some prayers or anti-curses. Dad walks in on her doing that and fires her. There is no need to have that crazy around the baby in his opinion. That was a stupid move and now I don't care about the dads safety. Have at him ghost/demon/phantom.

Night 8: The things that are moving on their own are getting hard to see. You have to be super attentive to notice that a door just cracked open because it's so dark. I guess that helps build up suspense but still, maybe we don't need some many nights with only a chandelier slightly swaying. Anyway, the baby is standing up in it's crib clearly looking at something. The baby's door opens on it's own but the mom doesn't care. While in his room there is a loud bang and I jump again. A bird crashed into the window and died.

Night 10: A pot falls from one of those hooks where people hang them over a kitchen island. I never got the who hanging pots thing. I guess I'm just more of a cabinet guy. They hang the pot back up and then it falls again. Cabinet would solve their problems, jus sayin.

Night 11: A stove turns on. Boo

Night 14: In the rest of the movie, things actually happen making it the SPOILER SECTION. The dog finally sees something. The parents go out on a date, leaving the daughter as babysitter. The dad honks at the mom to hurry up and my producer alerts me that women love to be honked at. Noted. First thing that happens is the boyfriend sneaks in. Horror movie handbook tells us that this isn't good. He also brought an Ouija board with him. Strike 2. Also why sneak into a house full of security camera's. You aren't going to be able to hide so just come in the front door. First time using the board the bf messes around and spells a naughty word. Second time the spirit takes over and spells out the baby's name. The daughter falls asleep and the TV changes to just white noise. A shadow moves over the girl and jolts her, which is pretty cool. The front door opens and she walks over to lock it. Then there is a huge bang on the door. She stupidly goes outside to check on the noise and the door slams shut behind her. I have been yelling at the movie things like “don't go out there” and “no” all movie.

Skip over to the camera in the baby's room and something is moving the baby. It then picks the baby up into the air and places him on the ground. The baby walks downstairs and then somehow gets picked back up into his crib. Girl has still been locked out for like 45 minutes. She gets back in at the same time that the parents get back and dad yells at her. Goes into this whole there is no ghost talk(which I will discuss later). The daughter says she is dreaming that someone is watching her. It's probably real.

Night 17: Daughter thinks she hears something downstairs and a toy car keeps moving by itself. The next day the mom is in the kitchen and with a loud bang all the cabinets open. I jump. The girl and her sister think that by ignoring everything that is happening, it will go away. I guess the same kinds of things happened to them when they were kids. The daughter does some research and thinks that the demon is there to claim their first born son after her great great grandma made a deal for wealth and then never paid the spirit. The baby in this family happens to be that first born.

Another Night: Basement door opens and the dog goes down to investigate it. Does some serious barking. All of a sudden it gets dragged and slammed and makes that awful hurt dog noise. The dog and the daughter are the only people that I don't want to be ghost bludgeoned that this point. Why hurt the innocent dog! Pots start clanging. At this point, if I was living in the house, I would just hand the demon that baby myself. The dad leaves with the daughter to take the dog to the vet. The mom is the only one left and she checks on the baby. A light goes off. Then she gets dragged all the way downstairs into the basement. Very awesome. She breaks free only to be dragged down there again. She is stuck down there for three hours and comes out looking even more possessed than usual.

The next day the daughter is home along and see scratches made all over the inside of the basement door. She also notices a bite mark on the moms thigh. In the first one, that signified the possession taking place. The dad is finally believing that the demon is real and comes up with the idea to transfer the demon from his wife to her sister. Talk about worse brother-in-law of all time. It's night time and the dad goes in for the mom and she lurches at him. I jump. All the lights in the house go off and everything is smashed. Dad goes after mom who is now in the basement. Things down there are very, very cluttered. We are now in full on night vision. We see the mom and she has demon teeth. He fights her off by using a cross. The demon is fully transferred and she has no memory of ever being possessed. You think everything is great but it's just a fake ending(see the movie #2 to refresh yourself on the fake ending). We see the dad laying on the couch and a blur move through the house. It's the sister moving super fast. She snaps the dads next. He's dead, not really a bummer. She works herself upstairs and kind of push/throws the mom to her death. She grabs the baby and then disappears. The movie now in text says that the daughter got home from a trip in a week to see the two of them dead. The sister and baby's whereabouts are unknown.

BACK TO REALITY

What to take away from this movie: On a conceptual level, I am really tired of the ghost or possession movie where some or all of the characters don't believe in something supernatural till the end. We are there to see a movie about ghosts and I know you want to develop the characters and give them more of a range but come on, we all already know they they will believe so why waste my time. Just like the boyfriend in the first, the dad didn't believe something was up until the very end and it's just frustrating. I want to make a ghost movie where the characters all believe from the beginning but it ends up just being a noisy furnace. That's a shamalalalan twist for you. Also why put in security camera's if you don't watch the tapes? If the dad just watched the same things we were seeing, some lives could have been saved.

Favorite Scene : The mom dragging. I dug it.

Favorite Lines : None at all

Rating : 4.5 heath bars. Although the movie wasn't too bad, the acting is bad and the characters aren't that great either. For three quarters of the movie, nothing happens. While that isn't always a bad thing (some movies like House of the Devil make that work by building suspense and making it look nice) in the end you are just watching security camera's and home movies from a family that's not your own. Who wants to do that? So what if a light flickers and the family doesn't see it. I'm bored. I will say that like the first one, watching this movie with a few people helps.

Alternate Ending : seems obvious enough to me. Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters! They might have to cross the streams on this one but they'll get the job done.

What I would do if I was the main character : I doing this as if I was the dad. First it's my house and I want to look tough. I challenge the demon to a honor dual. Just kidding. I really take no chances and immediately call a young priest and an old priest. Hope that they take care of business.

What happens in the sequel : I just watched it and will be posting in the very near future.

More like Lack of Activity, amiright?

Movie #15 Piranha

Piranha (2010)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0464154/

WARNING: AMAZING MOVIE CONTENT

Oh boy this movie. My producer and I were having trouble picking a movie to watch. Ended up choosing Piranha because Elizabeth Shue is in it. She ends up only being on screen for like 20 minutes but in the end, she is like the 20^th coolest thing I saw. First of Richard Dreyfuss, who has won an Oscar for best actor, is the horror movie opening scene death. That means he does 0% acting. Just fishes on a boat and then gets eaten by piranhas. I am getting ahead of myself though. First let me tell you how the piranhas get free. Dreyfuss drops a beer into the water that sets off a HUGE earthquake when it gently nestles against the bottom of the lake. That opens up a bunch of caves and releases thousands, maybe billions of prehistoric man eating fish. The first man that they eat is Dreyfuss and now we're caught up.

Once you get past those first THREE minutes, things don't exactly slow down. It's the beginning of spring break and the mood has already been set off. Bikini's and bros on party boats cover the lake that now is infested with piranhas. Elizabeth Shue and Ving Rhames are cops who have already past their limit on acceptable young adult shenanigans. I waited all movie for Ving to say something resembling “I'm tired of these damn kids” but it never came. Disappointing. We see a decent looking nerdy kid getting picked on by uglier and/or fatter cool kids. That nerd, Jake, ends up being our main character. He really doesn't add anything to the movie which is a bummer mostly because he is actually the grandson of Steve McQueen in real life. Imagine that guy in this! The fat kid from stand by me, Jerry O'Connell is a porn director planning to shoot a movie and needs a local to drive his boat around and take him to all the cool spots. In steps Jake.

Back to Shue and Ving. Someone reports finding Dreyfuss' boat and they have to check it out. It's night time and pretty creepy out. Personally I would throw the idea of lets come back in the morning but sometimes crime never sleeps. Shue gets too close to the water, falls in, and gets hugged by Dreyfuss' mostly eaten body. I might have jumped.

It's now day time and Shue tells Jake(her son) to have a good day babysitting his two younger siblings. Instead of watching them however, he goes to be captain of the Jerry O'Connell porn boat 2010. Some chick who he kind of likes and kind of likes him is on the boat gets on the boat too. I don't know whats going on between them. She is either trying to make him jealous or is mad at him. Kids. There are two porn stars on the boat and I swear one of them looks like the girl who used to be the pink power ranger. It's not of course because although I haven't seen her in 10 years, she is too much of a lady to be showing off the goods. Speaking of the goods, the two girls are now completely naked. You see everything. I think I might have seen one of their spleens, it wasn't a good angle. The girls get in the water and look like mermaids, just with legs and lady parts and no fins or starfish bras. They stay underwater together for like 10 minutes, it's real talent. The girl Jake likes is getting angrier. Or more jealous.

The two kids that Jake is supposed to be babysitting go out on a boat and get stranded on an island. That is going to suck once the piranhas get wild. Derrick from Step Brothers shows up with a team of fellow seismologists to study the earthquake. While searching underwater, two of the seismologists get eaten and Derrick escapes while managing to capture on of the piranhas. This marks the first time that someone has seen the fish. They take it to the local expert, who happens to be none other than Doc Brown! He tells them that the fish are prehistoric. Shue and Ving rush back to town to shut down the lake but it's too late, the carnage has already begun. Lots of topless chicks are hanging around and they pretty much just become meat pouches to the fish. It's gross but a para-sailing chick makes it a true statement. College kids are just being torn to shreds now. I am going to try and paint a picture of what is happening. Imagine the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. Keep the screaming and the intestines, replace the soldiers with wet t-shirt contestants and replace the Nazi's with giant dinosaur fish. One girls hair gets stuck in a propeller and she basically gets her scalp ripped off. Gnarly.

Meanwhile, one of the porn stars just got eaten. They two now understand that things have gotten real. Jake sees his siblings on the island, picks them up but the boat gets stuck on some rocks. The boat breaks free only to get caught again, this time sending Jerry O'Connell into the water. If you ever need to be pulled out of something, do not rely on a porn star. The pink power ranger absolutely, the pink cable repairman lover no way. Jerry gets pulled out of the water and literally has no meat left on his legs, just bones. He dies.

Ving gets in the water with a propeller to save some kids. After dicing up a bunch of fish, he gets eaten. Sad face. If you really, really don't want to know the ending you should stop reading now. If not, proceed. Okay it's right about now that something beautiful happens. I have seen a fair amount of these B-movies. For some people like Shue, Ving and Doc Brown, these are the only kind of parts they get anymore so they take it seriously. Adam Scott is a new actor with a promising career ahead of him. He has high aspirations and it's at this moment he discovers what a P.O.S movie he is in and completely stops trying to act. All of his lines now are “I don't know” or “whatever” and he delivers them with absolutely no emotion. It's a great thing to watch. Shue gets to where Jake and the kids are to save them. It's impossible to get in close so they hang a rope between the two boats to get across. The kids and Shue make it. Pink power ranger gets eaten. Jake and his girl acquaintance are the only ones left. With no desperation whatsoever they escape. Movie ends with Doc Brown telling them that those piranhas are just babies. Scott asks in his I don't care voice “The babies huh? So where are the parents?” and gets eaten by a giant fish that jumps out of the water. Roll credits.

Final Count: Not that I made a huge deal about this but I could tell that this horror movie would follow the old rule of B&B(boobs and blood) so I decided to keep a nudity count. The final numbers are 33 Boobs(yes an odd number meaning I actually counted, didn't just count girl and multiply by two, sigh) 2 Vajayjay's (that are always in close proximity to each other) and one detached dong (just floating in the water with no owner).

Favorite Scene: There are just so many. When you think Jerry O'Connell is dead but comes back to life to say “Wet T-Shirt. Wet T-Shirt” and then really dies.

Favorite Quote: In favorite scene(above) also “Here we go. Check it out. The fish with Boobies”

Rating : 2 double bubbles if we are talking about quality but 8.5 trident layers if you are watching for good times. I had more fun watching this movie than I have had for a while. If only it had the real Steve McQueen, not this Steven.

Alternate Ending: The voice of someone sounding like Adam Scott getting eaten is played on the screen because he refuses to come out of his trailer to continue shooting. The same happens with Shue and Doc Brown. Richard Dreyfuss is still hanging around for no reason and gets thrown back into the plot. He saves the pink power ranger, loses the kid, says a horrible fish pun and then gets eaten. Kind of want to see this train wreck instead of everyone surviving.

What I would do if I was the main character: maybe hurry up and leave this kissing till after everyone was safe. Also if I saw that Kelly was that into me, I would've made a move way sooner. Come on dude, she was pretty hot.

What happens in the sequel : I'm pretty sure they are making a sequel and I will definitely be seeing it in theater because these movies have to be watched with a bunch of people. Maybe even in 3 or 4D. I don't know how they will do it, but I'm hoping that the fish somehow can make it on land. I'm talking about a possible wings/lungs combo. Maybe some other dinosaurs come back too. Less teenagers, more Shue and Doc Brown

What to take away from this movie : Piranha don't get full and they love eating eyeballs.   

We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

Movie #14 The Fighter

The Fighter

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0964517/

I love me some Wahlberg and in the end, who doesn’t.  The Fighter, like Warrior is a story about two brothers that beat people up for a living.  I would say that the main difference between them is that in this movie only one of them is screw up, and that is Dickey (Christian Bale).  Dickey says a lot of things in the first two minutes of the movie, a lot of which I don’t understand.  He is a British guy talking in a deep Boston accent.  When he talks slow it’s easy to pick it up, not so much when he gets on a roll.

Dickey and Micky (Wahlberg) are heading down to the gym to train up for Micky for his next fight.  We get to the gym and Micky is getting ready while Dickey, his trainer is nowhere to be found.  Movie jumps to Dickey reenacting his famous fight with Sugar Ray Leonard where he didn’t win but did knock him down.  Dickey seems to be the one knocked down now though because he is smoking crack of liter bottle pipes.  He shows up eventually and later that night they go out to a bar.  The two brothers have like six sister and not a one of them is nice to look at.  The bartender Charlene(Amy Adams) is looking mighty fine in this and Micky seems to have noticed.  He asks her out, she gives him her number.  Score.

It’s now time to head out to the fight.  They get a limo to head to the airport but once again, Dickey is M.I.A.  They stop by the crack house and he tries to run by jumping out the second story window onto a bunch of trash bags.  Pretty funny but it seems that Micky knows it’s his escape route and is already there waiting for him.  Everyone tells Dickey how let down they are and go to the fight.  While getting ready the fight director tells Micky that the dude he was supposed to fight got the flu and someone 20 lbs heavier is going to take his place.  That’s a big deal if you know fighting.  Micky gets his whopping.

Because Micky is from a small town, when he gets home everybody knows him.  They all also know he got beat up.  Micky gets embarrassed to the point where he doesn’t even call and take out Charlene, who I mentioned before, is looking good in this movie.  She shows up at his place eventually and they go to a foreign movie and make fun of the subtitles.  Maybe get some class and then you can appreciate it.  Their night ends in some making out, which is the only thing I bet you care about. You're savages too.

Just kidding. Did I mention before that Micky had a butt(but) load of sisters? Now that Charlene is the most important girl Micky, they get all jealous and want her out of the picture(movie). Classic girl move and their mom is worse than they are. Things take a dramatic turn for the worst. You see the Asian chick who is probably Dickey's girlfriend working a street corner. A car slows down and buys what she is selling, which is herself. A car with cop lights pulls up behind and yanks the guy out of the car. It turns out to be Dickey who robs the guy. Pretty cool plan, not that I'd ever try it. Right after Dickey takes the guys wallet a real cop shows up and takes after Dickey who has officially cheesed it from the scene of the crime. He gets caught at about the same time Micky hears about it. Wahlberg runs up to all of the commotion and tries to get the cops to take it easy on Dickey who has just assaulted them. This results in Micky getting his hand worked with a nightstick. Attica! Following the arrest Dickey gets sent to jail because it was his 28^th crime.

There is a movie being made about Dickey through the whole film. I probably should've mentioned it. He thinks it's all about his comeback but is really about his drug abuse. The whole family see's it including Micky's little daughter because his evil ex-wife makes her and tears fall everywhere. Charlene comes over to give Micky some “comforting”. Micky meets this one guy who says he can give him one last chance at making it big as a fighter. Maybe he can even be the fighter. The only catch is that he becomes his manager replacing his mother and Dickey isn't allowed near him. Ends up that both those things are for his own good and now it's time for the sports training/practice montage. Were gonna need a montage!

This next paragraph is all about things girls do that I consider to be either “hot” or “not hot”. The first is look like Amy Adams=hot. Amy Adams scene where she may or may not be in see thru clothing=hot. Girls with dirty mouths=not hot. Amy Adams with a dirty mouth=I'll allow it(breaking the rules). Girls physically fighting=never hot. Amy Adams fighting=still not hot. Some dudes like it with their foxy boxing and Hillary Swonk million dollar babies but not this guy. Maybe it's the violence I'm not into. Oh ya Micky and Charlene get together then the mom and sisters attack Charlene. That's what I'm getting at.

Time for that last run and that means montage. When you have a bunch a fights before a big last one you're gonna need a montage. Before a big fight Micky visits Dickey in jail who busts his chops over is strategy for the next fight. Micky ends up using what Dickey says and it helps him get the win and a fight against the current champ. I think the guy Micky beat might have taken a dive too because he sure went down easy.

Dickey gets released from prison and no one working with Micky is stoked. Micky says he can't work with Dickey anymore who gets insulted. Charlene and Micky's dad who had been training him walk out because Dickey is working with him. Dickey chases down Charlene and asks for her to come back for Micky's sake and everyone is finally on the same team. Now it's just time for the championship fight.

SPOILER

He fights a guy with very dark nipples for a Brit and wins. I know that sounds weird but that is how I saw it. He becomes the fighter.

THAT WAS QUICK

Favorite scene : During the fight between Charlene and all the sister's you see Micky's step dad drive up to the house and then quickly back up and drive away. Smart and funny.

Memorable Quotes : I remember two

“Not you, not you and not you” just yell it, you'll have fun

“Gotta take it to the bady(body)”in Bale's thick accent

Rating : 7.5 banana runts. I don't think there is any way to not at least enjoy The Fighter. It's not amazing but it's a good enough story that is well acted and told.

Homework:

Instead of the extra features this time you get something different, mostly because it's late and I'm tired. Like most Mark Wahlberg movies, there are scene's where his shirt is off in The Fighter. I just read somewhere that he has a third nipple. I didn't look for it but if it's true, it would be great movie trivia to know. So all I'm saying is maybe head to Google and do a little image search for Wahlberg third nipple and see for yourself. This might be one of those searches to leave the safe search on. Jus Sayin.

You, You and You!

Movie #13 Walk the Line

Walk the Line (2005)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0358273/

This was the first time that I have seen this movie.  I’ll start with the what you should take away from this movie by saying that it makes Walk Hard seem funnier.  There were scenes in Walk Hard, like when he keeps riping the sink off the wall, that are kind of funny but don’t really make sense.  Then Cash does it once in Walk the line and it is funny.  So there you go.

Movie starts with the bad terminator from Judgement Day dropping a n bomb.  He has two kids named Jack and J.R.  I don’t know which one turns into Johnny but once Jack dies from a sawing accident, I think I got a better idea.  The dad is bummed at Johnny because he left Jack early to go fishing but Jack told he could go so lay off dude.  T-1000 is still a jerk and says wrong kid died, just like in Walk Hard.  It all makes sense now!

Movie skips back to the future and a grown up Johnny is now being played by Joaquin Phoenix(the Joaq).  He is leaving to join the air force and calls some girl because he loves her.  I think he asks her to marry him.  She said she can’t because her dad says that there is something wrong with him.  I laugh.  According to the movie, Johnny spends most of his time in the air force sitting in empty hangers playing his guitar.

Skip back to the future a few more years and Cash is now married with a kid.  His wife isn't Reese Witherspoon so I immediately knew that things weren’t going to go well for her.  Her name in real life is Ginnifer, not Jennifer so I’m sure she has already handled life being tough and can deal with Cash too.  Johnny is a door to door salesman and not a very good one.  I’m not sure if anyone can be good at that but most people at least sell something.  Facing eviction from his home, Cash says he and his two friends will get an audition for a record deal to make money.  Ginny says they won’t because they suck too bad.  She doesn’t believe in Johnny and now she deserves whatever’s coming in my book(blog). They get to the audition and play some gospel song (in Walk Hard it’s That’s Amore) and the record guy tells them to stop because it bores him.  He gets all deep and gives a whole speech about how they need to play something that’s real to him.  Johnny’s band is in all black by the way because that’s the only color that they all had.  Johnny starts some song that they have never played together and the other two jump in.  Ends up being really the only song that I liked.  They get the deal and keep the house.

Johnny now is out on tour.  Here is another thing you can take from this movie.  Reese Witherspoon is not funny.  It could be that her character isn’t funny or it could be that she isn’t.  I say both.  I have also been told that it was a different time and those jokes they told in the movie killed.  I refuse to believe that.  Moving along and reading my notes, some character said “This song is hotter than a pistol” which is a phrase I plan on using a lot now. Basically the next 20 minutes is just Cash playing his songs. If you are into his music then you would probably like this. I got super bored. Some of the music they listened to back then just makes me say things like “yeesh” and “ow”. Again I was told that it was just a different time.

Things are going great for musician Johnny, but Johnny the dad is struggling, big time. Not helping out the wife, dealing with his fan mail(some of which are girls sending pictures of themselves in swimsuits!), popping major pills and trying to mack with Reese Witherspoon are all things I consider to hurt your relationship. Johnny makes Reese sing a duet that she wrote with her ex-hubby and ends up crying after the show. Cash goes full rock star and smashes his guitar. Then the sink wrecking getting back to the Walk Hard thing. Cash gets her angry again and she says “y'all can't walk no line”. Precious. They sing a bunch of songs and again I lose interest. I guess things between Cash and Reese cool down because they get down to business if ya know what I'm saying. In the morning Cash says “my bad” which totally takes me out of movie because what kind of countryish singer is saying my bad in the 60's and or 70's.?

SPOILS
Cash is still on tour and OD's or something and passes out mid song. His band buys him a plane ticket home and he's kicked off the tour. He get busted at the air port carrying drugs in his guitar and gets thrown in jail. Ginny finds out about all that business with Reese and leaves with the kids. It was pretty hardcore, everyone is crying and there is chasing to no avail. The rest of the movie is Cash trying to find himself. He trolls through the woods in the rain, buys a house and tractor, trys to impress his parents and in the end winds up with Reese because come on, he had to.

UNSPOILS

Favorite Scene : The audition with the record producer was good. I was still into the movie at that point.

Memorable Quotes : Only one “That boy Elvis sure talks a lot of poon”

Rating : 4.5 dirt flavored jelly beans. This isn't my kind of movie. If you like Johnny Cash or stories of redemption and love then you'll enjoy this. If you like movies of robots fighting and poop jokes then you'll probably snooze through it.

Alternate Ending : Not to ruin the spoiler but whatever Johnny asks June in the end she answers know. And then yells SIKE and says yes. Perfect beginning to a perfect something in my eyes.

What I would've done if I was the main character : No cheat on Ginny. She definitely settled on me in the beginning of the movie because I was no catch and I repay her by getting with floozies in every town in the south? Not fair.

What happens in the sequel : Tap the line. After becoming a famous singer and guitar player, Johnny Cash becomes a famous tap dancer.

Cha-Ching

Movie #12 Puppetmaster

Puppetmaster (1989)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098143/

1989 was a good year. I was born and so was Puppetmaster. Think of this movie as Pinocchio with nudity, psychics and throat slashing. Or imagine that the freaky part from Pinocchio, when the kid at the pool table turns into the donkey, is stretched over the entire movie.

First scene is an old creeper painting puppets/dolls in a hotel room. He is way to old to be playing with dolls. In fact, I think he is creepier than the dolls. Anyway he is just painting away when the camera jumps to two guys in suits, scarves and black hats. They get out of the car and it isn't hard to infer that they are coming for the old guy. Back to the room and a puppet sitting on the window sill turns to the old guy on it's own and signals that they're here. The two men in black are making their way to the hotel room while the old man hides the puppets and some old Egyptian scroll away in the wall. The two guys get to the door, pull out their guns and bust in but they are too late. The old man has popped a gun of his own in his mouth and done himself in.

Movie now jumps to present time which was surprising because I missed when it told me that all of the shooting happened in the past. A guy who I will refer to as Mr. Hair because of glorious mane on his head, is sitting in therapy and dreams of someone getting eaten by leaches. At least they aren't piranhas. Now we skip to a couple getting their fortune read by a female psychic who will be referred to as the Ging because of her own mop. Things are normal until Ging freaks out and see's a vision of her getting her throat slashed. Might take the piranhas if I was her. If you still have no idea about what's going on don't worry, I didn't either.

The Hair and Ging show up at a funeral in the same hotel where the first scene occurred. One of their former colleagues died and they are there to say bye. Well Mr. Hair is, Ging is there to make sure that he is dead and stabs his heart once his widow is out of the room. Another man and woman are there and act just as weird as Ging. While in an elevator the other chick who I will call Wild Thing has a vision of a rape that took place there out of the blue. A boob may or may not have popped out.

It's dinner time for the four people at the funeral and the widow. Ging is trashing the dead guy and so are the Wild Thing and the last guy, Frank. You can imagine the widow not be super happy listening to that so she leaves and Mr. Hair goes to her for some comforting. I forgot, there is some next level bad acting at the dinner scene, Ging's fake southern accent is brutal. Mr. Hair tells the widow why they are all there. Mr. Hair dreams the future, Ging is a real psychic, anything Frank touches can be brought to life by him and Wild Thing can touch any inanimate object and see its entire history. The dead guy was the one who brought them all together but he was a total deutschbag and they all were there to make sure nothing magic powered happens. I don't know if I would've believed it or thought it's awesome but I know I would have at least shown some emotion. Its no big deal to the widow though I guess.

While everyone is away from the body, this creepy puppet with human hands crawls out of the caskett. It looks mega dumb. Human hands crabs a fire poker and bludgeons the maid to death. No one else cares. They don't care because Wild Thing is fully nude in the tub and after a quick bath, gets it on with Frank. Blindfolded, tied down, Olivia Newton John Lets Get Physical style getting it on. This is also the scene where all the action starts. After peeping Wild Thing long enough, a puppet with a drill on the top of its head goes in the room. Wild Thing hears something, looks under the bed and gets her face drilled in. Frank is still blindfolded and doesn't know that the grossest part of the movie has now begun. While still be tied down as well, a chick puppet climbs up on Frank and starts kissing his snipples. Frank thinks it's still Wild Thing and is all about it. Chick doll then starts puking leaches all over Frank. I almost puked. I can handle the blood but the yaking gets me. He dies. During all of this, Ging is walking around the hotel saying little spells to protect them because “they are in danger” Ya think?

Ging goes back to her room to find the corpse sitting up in a chair. She doesn't absolutely lose her s*** like I would and laughs it off. Human Hands shows back up and attacks her by grabbing and pulverizing her legs. She gets away. Now another creepy looking doll with a hook for one hand and a knife for the other is after her. She gets away from him too but back comes Human Hands. Not only does he attack Ging, he is full on punching her in the face. It's awesome. She gets to the elevator and throws Human Hands out. It's not enough, Hook finally catches up with her and slits her throat, just like her vision. She had finally started to become a good guy too. Just to add a note, usually I'm all for the metal, gorey death scenes but something just was off about this one. Got a bad vibe, wasn't feeling it

ENDING STUFF

It's just Mr. Hair and the widow now. She takes him to the dead guys office and they find out about the puppets. From the dead guy! Apparently there is some old egyptian spell where you can bring stuff to life and the puppets mirror their master. That explains why the puppets are so evil, this dude is really up to some stuff. He killed himself in order to bring himself to life forever, like he is some kind of puppet. They fight and the dead guy is dominating. In the middle of the rumble he tosses away a puppet and calls it useless. That was a mistake. Dead guy then starts punching the widow in the face. Some solid head shots are being connected on women in this. Eventually Mr. Hair is able to trap the dead guy in the elevator. The puppets have now revolted against him. Human Hands is holding him in there while the drill drills away at his legs. I thought it was strange that a dead guy turned into fleshy puppet can still feel pain, bummer for him. Hook cuts off his fingers as he is trying to climb and then the leach lady pukes one in his mouth. Sick. He dies, the widow takes over the puppets and is a good owner and the movie ends.

TIME FOR FEATURES

Best scene. Nothing sticks out now. Ging vs Human Hands and Hook probably

Memorable Quotes : “I'm the master, and you're the puppet” gold

“I had this dream and I came here to make sure it didn't come true”

Rating : Giving this 5 mars bars. Pretty average as far as 80s horrors go. Had a chucky thing and a psychic angle working for it, that was interesting enough. Movie wasn't made to be an Oscar nominee and I had a somewhat good time watching

Alternate Ending : I don't remember what the cartoon show was but it involved spaceships coming together and forming a super robot fighter. I guess the Power Rangers did it too. A giant fighter made of alive puppets fights Mr. Hair and Ging. Ging is trying to shoot mind bullets at it while Mr. Hair applys mousse to it's eyes, blinding it. The widow bends down on all fours behind the puppets and one of Ging's mind bullets connects pushing the Puppettron 8000 backwards and tripping over the widow. They crash to the ground and break.

What I would do as the Main Character: sleep all the time. You'll aready know what your missing. Also get the hell out of that hotel. Puppets are creepy enough, murderous living puppets crosses the line for me sorry.

What happens in the sequel : There are at least 4 sequels that have already been made for this and I have no idea what happens in them. I'm sure the puppets fall back into the wrong hands. This might be too soon but lets just say that the puppets and secret Egyptian spell wind up in the hands or a Mr. Michael Jackson. We all know he probably loves playing with dolls, but now he has the power to live forever. He actually gets killed and then comes back looking just like himself, the creepiest puppet of all time. Moonwalking to the the seventh movie in the series.

There can only be one.

Movie #11 Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Dr Horrible's Sing A Long Blog (2008)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1227926/

I don't know what the heck I watched last night. I'm not talking about does this count as a movie or a mini series, I'm talking about what...just...happened. Everyone loves this uh...thing but I thought it sucked something awful. In fact, if I wasn't so dedicated, this would've been the first movielike movie to be turned off before it was over. It's a musical that crammed like 14 songs into 42 minutes. I am neither pro-musical nor (or) anti-musical. I'll watch whatever but I'm bummed I watched this.

Movie opens with N.P.H playing Dr. Horrible, making a video blog. Makes sense right? I'm still on board at this point. First thing I wondered is why is the mad scientist making a blog? I know anyone can make a blog. I definitely know. One of his plans get busted because the good guys saw his blog and I wondered why that just didn't happen every time. And why is the guy making a video blog with mad scientist weapons printing out his emails. We're past that. The good guy, who is really the bad guy because NPH the bad guy is really the good guy (get it?), is named Captain Hammer. NPH calls Captain Hammer a tool and there goes my only genuine laugh, about 5 minutes in. He has another good line when one of his emailers rips him for a botched robbery saying it's not about making money, it's about taking money. Which brings up another point. If I ever have a portion of the blog that responds to your emails, I'm not reading the crappy ones. It's your own blog dude.

First song has now started out of nowhere. Sing a long is in the movie titled but I was still dumb enough to be surprised. The sorta movie has now become a love story. NPH has a gigantic crush on the girl who he sees every week at the laundry mat. If you are a mad scientist with the money to invent things like the freeze ray, don't you think you could have built or at least financed a washer and dryer? I think she is a red head but I can never tell with the darker shade ones. Could be dyed. NPH way over does it with the spazz act around her too, like he is acting for children's show.

To make his freeze ray (that freezes time not ice freeze which I did like), NPH has to steal some wonderbronium. It might've been wonderbranium or neither but it still sounds more realistic than Avatar's unobtainium. The wonder bra is in one of those Brinks trucks and NPH manages to remote control it. In the middle of the robbery Captain Hammer comes in and almost causes the truck to run over laundry lady but NPH hits the breaks. She thinks Hammer saved her and falls in love, which seriously bums out NPH. The two men break out into a “Mans got to do what a mans got to do” song. I don't know what the man has to do, but I do know that both singing and singing about it isn't going to get it done.

Next song is sang over a Hammer and Laundry girl date montage. Hammer really is a tool, acts like the bad guy in every chick flick. NPH is a full on creepy stalker during all of this, like bush hiding, window peeking stalking. Which brings me to my next point, what was going on with the writing? At some points this seems like a kiddie movie with NPH saying things like I hope they don't french kiss and the leader of the evil organization is a horse but then you have Captain Hammer talking about giving her his penis which is weird enough and then how on the second time they bang he hears she will do all the really freaky stuff. In the same movie/web movie! I'll finish this paragraph off with at first I wasn't into the chick at all, then started to feel her and I lost it again. Maybe it had to do with the lighting or a good side. If I remember right, I did end up digging her in the last scene. She was all over the place.

SPOILER ENDING

NPH loses it like NPH never should. At a big unveiling of the new homeless shelter that laundry girl had been trying to open, NPH storms in and freezes Hammer. Right as he is about to shoot him with the death ray, Hammer unfreezes. Now Hammer is in control and goes to shoot NPH but the gun explodes. Hammer gets hurt for the first time in his life and laundry girl gets killed by shrapnel. Movie ends with NPH getting super powerful but he feels nothing. Aww.

FIN

Favorite Scene : n/a. Nothing that made me say to my self awww yaaahh or oooo I like that, like I often do during good movies.

Favorite Quotes : “Home is where your heart is so your real home is in your chest”

“The hammer is my penis” there it is, real crass.

Rating : 3.5 circus peanuts. This thing has an 8.8 rating on IMDB which is crazy high so maybe I just missed this one. I knew what it is and I didn't take it seriously which you weren't supposed to. I just thought it was really, really boring. It was only 42 minutes and I still struggled through it. I didn't think the songs weren't particularly catchy or funny and every song can't be about your feelings. There has to be some comic relief. Throw a friggin pie or something geez!

What happens in the sequel : NBH is the leader of the national evil honor society. A footloose like singing is forbidden law is instituted by the evil horse. Hammer and NPH work together in the underground boys choir to bring down this injustice. And they do it for laundry girl.

What I would have done if I was NPH : Grown a pair.

What to take away from this : I know tons of people loved this. Maybe judge this one on your own because I'm in the minority.

What?