I know I said I was going to try and do 31 horror movies in
31 days but laptop troubles let you and me down. It’s not really that big of a deal because
November will just start with the last six.
I’m keeping the anthology movies going by watching Three Extremes
II. The first one included one story I
really liked and two that were pretty ok.
Three new stories and directors, whoopee.
We start out by watching a guy sleep in silence for like a
whole two minutes. He wakes up to see a
creepy doll jerk its head around on its own.
A girl is kneeling back in forth on the ground also as creepily as
possible. She has long hair covering
most of her face and what little we see looks, well you guessed it,
creepy. This story is called Memories.
Nothing happens with it and the guy goes to a therapist and
gets diagnosed with some disorder. The
creepy girl he saw was his dead wife and the trauma of going through that is
making him see things I guess. The guy
saws that he can remember what she looked like on the day she died but not why
left. Wait hold on a second, maybe she
isn’t dead because she wakes up in the middle of the road where she looked very
deceased. This is all very confusing. It’s possible that she is just missing.
The guy goes back to his house and talks with a security
guard of the building. The guard tells a
story on how the place is weird and once walked into a guy’s rape dungeon and
didn’t do anything about it. That would
probably disturb most of us to make some kind of action but the main guy doesn’t
seem to care at all and walks to his place.
Back to the chick that seems to have no clue who she is
making the whole Memories title make sense.
Weird things keep happening as she tries to find her way home and he
see’s awful visions. I’m guessing one of
them cheated on the other, that’s usually how these things go. Also, this is booooooooooring. There is one line spoken per what seems like
5 minutes, I have very little idea what is going on and all none verbal
dialogue is done through scared looks to the side and gasps (don’t know if that
is considered verbal). She makes it back
to their apartment and has a vision of her husband killing her by a rock smash
to her dome. Is she a ghost then? He opens up a bag that’s been sitting on his
floor all movie and it’s cut up pieces of her.
He drives away and there is a flashback of her trying to leave him. The end.
0 for 1.
The next story opens up with text saying that some puppets
are cursed and only their rightful owners can bring them to life. I can buy that. This one is called The Wheel. A guy as cursed as I’ve ever seen screams in
a bed one night. There is a funeral the
next day for Mr. Tao’s (the cursed dude) wife and son. He sent them out on a boat one night to drown
some cursed puppets and it sounds like they failed. Also it’s usually more effective to try and
burn things made out of wood instead of drown them. That night, that very same night, the cursed
guy house burns down with him in it.
Boom, roasted. Also, that night,
that very same night, a guy nabs the cursed dude’s puppets and almost drowns in
water that he can stand on. Come on
Thailand! Deal with your curses a little
bit better. Take some time off. Yeesh.
Another guy performs some time later wearing the puppet
costume and dies. While that is going
on, a kid and her grandmother fight over a puppet and the grandma dies but of
course the guy in charge of the town doesn’t think that the curse is a big deal
still. To go even further, he cuts off
the puppets head and taunts it. While he’s
doing that, his wife is does a puppet dance and ends up hung (hanged). And I thought the first story was bad.
There’s a whole scene where the taunter says he is now in
charge of the puppet and there is something real evil about it. I am trying to make this sound as interesting
as I can but it’s a real struggle.
Puppets killing people is one thing (an awesome thing), puppets giving
people a curse that makes them die of natural and yet unfortunate circumstances
is pretty boring. It’s a thin line and
this movie is on the wrong side of it.
Everyone gets killed except for a little girl who kills the last guy. Then two guys climb out of a river it. It was all a dream. What a pointless story. Next movie.
The last flick is called Going Home. A police officer and his son are moving into
a building that is being torn down in a month.
If that doesn’t make a lot to sense to you, the son keeps seeing a
random little girl with no eyebrows all over the place. Eye brows and the lack of them have a lot of
say into whither a little Asian girl is creepy or not. There isn’t really any plot yet but there are
some boobs. Another guy who lives in the
building gives his paralyzed from the waist down wife a bath. The scene was just thrown in there to show
her jugs but there’s nothing I can do about it.
The creepy girl finally comes up to the boy and asks if he
wants to play. They go off together and
the dad goes out looking for him. He
asks the building’s owner if he has seen him and he says no and you better find
him before it’s too late. That doesn’t
sound good. The cop then goes to his neighbors,
sees the wife underwater in the tub and gets knocked out by the dude who hits
him from behind. I think they are the
creepy girl’s parents too. He wakes up
morning tied down to a chair and the wife is sitting in a chair too which is weird
because I thought she was drowned in the last scene. They have a little discussion about her. The cop says hey dude your wife is dead. He responds with when I dunk her in the tub
of herbs everyday she heals a little bit.
He says, no dude your wife is dead, look at the bruises on her
neck. Finally the neighbor responds with
well of course, I had to kill her to save her.
Unfortunately, the cop is kept in his restraints by the
incredibly insane neighbor so he can’t find his kid. Things get even a little weird for me when
the crazy guy puts the cop in his tub naked and starts to feed him. The wife gets bathed again, this time on the
floor because the tub is occupied. I
wonder how her audition went. Was it “Please
disrobe and remain motionless while I rub this sponge over you or was it more
of a “play dead, get butt naked and I’m going to hit you with this hose real
quick. Really make the part you”. Right as the wife was supposedly going to “wake
up” the cops show up and free their missing compadre. As he was taken away, the wife blinks but is
taken in a coffin anyway. He chases
after her but gets hit by a car in the fakest way I’ve ever seen. The movie ends with her starting to wake up
and a video of her telling that she already did the dead “treatment” on him and
it worked.
STORY RANKINGS: Third
one is definitely the best. First is
second only because the middle story sucked something awful.
MEMORABLE LINES: Too hard to find
PRETNETIOUS RATINGS: I don’t think too many people have seen
this.
RATING : 5 Ricola Swiss Herb Candies. First two stories were awful. It seems like Thailand should stick with
action movies and stay away from thrillers.
The first was just a movie with a lame, obvious twist. The last story though did pick up and makes
you wish that this was called One Extreme or even just One Xtreme. It’s a tragic story about two star crossed
lovers who’s paths just can’t seem to intersect. Also it’s a movie about a dude bathing his
two year deceased wife. I
reeeeeeeeeeeally hope that’s as far as he got with her. Going Home also had what now seems like the
classic Asian ending, a twist so good that you aren’t completely bummed out
about a seriously harsh ending.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL: Three Extremes Three: Three New
Directors That Are Worse Than the Six Who Already Did in the First Two Make
Stories (based on the novel Push by Sapphire).
Taking a permanent nap on some road
Remember all acting is done by scared looks to the side
What a scary cursed puppet!
Wicked 2 was so good that she cried fruit punch
Putting a clear coat on my dead wife's fingernails. Nothing too fancy this year.
Nothing to see here. Just one bro taking a bath with another bro feeding him.
XTREME!!!
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