V/H/S (2012)
The beginning of the movie is very confusing because it
doesn’t feel like a movie just started.
Things are happening without any explanation at all. First a couple of guys grab a chick in a
parking lot and lift her shirt up, exposing her breasts. BOOBS!
It feels dirty and rapey though.
I like it 0%. From there they go
and smash up some trailer, filming everything on their little camcorder. They get back to a house and watch the tapes
with one of them saying they get paid to make the dirty boob videos. They get paid to break into some house and
all they have to do is steal a video tape.
Oh and also a couple of people’s home sex video has been spliced in.
They get inside the house and find it empty except for 1
dead guy and a bunch of TVs and movies.
One guy I think plays the a tape and this movie is going to be just like
Trick ‘R Treat; multiple stories are going to take place. I have to say that I’m kind of glad because
the four guys looking for the tape are pretty crummy individuals and I am
already rooting for their death. The
first video shows three guys in a bathroom with one of them trying on camera
spy glasses. Two of them are total bros
and remind me of some old, horrible roommates.
Again I will be cheering for their deaths. They all go out bars and try to pick up some
babes. In the middle of it they find
this crazy looking chick with the creepiest eyes ever. Eventually they get kicked out and on the way
home give the creepy girl some cocaine.
One of the guys and chicks start making out on one bed while
spy glasses guy and the creepy chick sit on another bed. That chick passes out so the dude start
making out with crazy eyes while she does weird hissing and does not looked
amused. He strips her naked (we see everything
unfortunately) and see that she has like serpent feet. She starts getting freaky with glasses too but
when the their guy takes his pants off she says no. I guess two dudes is her limit. Out of nowhere she takes a bite out of one
guy and starts tearing up another. She
grows fangs and other succubus appendages meaning that bro is dead. Yes!
Before she kills him, she rips off his hand and uses it to muzzle
him. Also I’ve seen the same dong twice
which will factor in the final rating.
Crazy eyes kills the other guy so all that is left is glasses. He peeks around to see her sucking his blood
and then in a sound that resembles popping a wine cork, tears of his ding dong
and nugget pouch, which still counts.
Glasses gets away but she catches up on the stairwell. Out of nowhere we see he’s above the building
very high and notice wings. Eyes
sprouted them, snatched him up and they flew away. The end.
The crappy dudes find another tape and pop it in. The next movie is a home movie of a couple
taking a vacation out in the west. They
go to one of those fortune telling machines like in big and it says that the
wife is going to be reunited with a past love one and not to be too
trusting. He starts getting a little
frisky with her on camera when there’s a knock at the door. It was a girl asking if they would give her a
ride and the husband just describes her as weird because we don’t get to see
her. That night we think the wife is
filming the husband sleeping until the camera pans to the wife too. Someone is in their room! It pulls down her sheets and pops out a
switch blade. Their still sleeping and
this is very tense. They must be very
heavy sleepers because I would be up already.
We see that it’s the chick because she steals the guy’s
money and then goes into the bathroom and dunks his toothbrush in the
toilet. She got him! That ends and it’s day time. The next day the missing money has the
squabbling over why she took the money.
After spending the day at the Grand Canyon they get back to their hotel
room and all I can think is don’t go to sleep, that’s when the bad lady
comes. This time she doesn’t mess around
and cuts his whole throat in his sleep.
We then see her making out with the wife in the bathroom as she cleans
up. Looks like that was the past love.
That movie ends and we see that the dead guy is no longer in
the chair but it seems to have gone unnoticed by the chumps. Not good.
The third movie looks to be a couple of teenagers on a road trip. They get real close to and honk to horn at a
hitchhiker who will probably be showing up in the future for revenge. They are going to a lake and it seems a lot
like the beginning of cabin in the woods.
My producer said that she’s 100% sure that the blond chick is going to
get naked. Also the camera starts
randomly tweaking out and showing dead bodies that no one seems to notice. The creepier chick randomly says the line “your
all going to f****** die up here”. By the
way, the first VHS was called Amateur Night, the second was Second Honeymoon
and this one is called Tuesday the 17th. One guy strips down and jumps into the
lake. I only saw his butt and no dong so
this one is ok.
The blond and the other guy walk out into the woods together
and get stabbed by someone that only appears on the camera I guess. The chick gets stabbed through her eye and the guy holding the camera
gets his face stabbed also. The weird
chick who told everyone that their deaths were imminent picks up the camera and
asks the guy from the lake if he wants to f***.
Way too brash and not attractive.
He asks her about the murders and she says that the stabber was beyond
insane and evil. The camera tweaks out a
little and that always means the murderer is coming. She says that she is using them as bait to
get the guy. He gets his throat slit and
she runs away in fear. Through the chase
she leads him into a number of traps but he manages to get out each time. She tells herself that she came back for
nothing and runs to get away. There is
the classic trip that the girl always
makes while running and she says into the camera “if you are watching this, don’t
come here” like the person won’t have to come to the woods to pick it up. He gets spiked on a trap but seems to be
invincible and kills her. Some disemboweling
occurs and the movie just kind of ends.
The guy is back in his chair and two of the punks are
missing. It seems that the movies have
probably gotten better each time which means the fourth one has to be the best
yet right? A guy and a girl are skyping
and the chick resembles a bird just a little bit. She says that she bruised her arm and doesn’t
remember how. I was thinking that maybe
they were brother in sister but after she does a topless shake in front of the
camera it appears that they are more of a couple. She gives a him a virtual tour of her
apartment and says she hears footsteps sometimes. They skype another time and she can hear
something outside her door. She is
convinced that her apartment is haunted.
A girl appears in the hallway and slams the door shut. The guy thinks that he saw something but it
could have just been the breeze. WHY DO
THEY ALWAYS NOT JUST BELIEVE IN THESE MOVIES!
Her bruise arm still isn’t getting any better.
Another night and she hears more noises. She does some investigating with the skype
and we see the girl again. Creepy. We see her arm and it is a horrible bloody
mess. The guy says that the same thing
happened to her leg seven years ago.
Another night and more voices.
This time she comes up with the bright idea of talking to the
ghost. She tells him that ghosts freak
her out. Weird they don’t do that to
anyone else. The door is opened and we
don’t see any ghosts at first. My
producer and I are expecting a big jump to come. The little girl appears and then see a few
girls. The camera goes totally bright
and we see her on the ground. A guy
walks in and opens her stomach with a scalpel.
Pretty weird. It’s the boyfriend
and he’s talking to the ghosts. He says
something to them like “you’re telling me this thing is part human” and he
pulls what looks like a fetus out of her.
Then he leaves.
The poor girl goes to a psychiatrist and is diagnosed a schizophrenic
and tells the guy he’s so good to her.
The guy starts skyping with another girl and she shows boobs too! She has the same bruise on her arm. Movie over kind of unexplained. The dead guy and person watching the movies
is gone so there’s only one left. I’m starting
to think the punks are the fifth movie.
The “dead” guy is some kind of beast and opens his face really wide to
kill the last punk.
The fourth movie was called that sick thing that happened to
Emily when she was younger and this last one is called 10/31/98 which happens
to be the date on the camcorder which is filming four guys that are in between
middle aged and college students going to a costume party. They get to the house and it’s completely
empty. It could be the same house that
the punks had just broken into. They
think it’s just a haunted house but we are seeing ghosts and arms reaching out
of walls. Upstairs a guy sees a girl in
a mirror and then she’s gone. Also a
bear that was downstairs is now lying on the bed. All the lights shut off and the group seems
to be split in two. They regroup and go
deeper. There’s some suspense going on
for sure but these guys are clowns and I wouldn’t mind them getting sucked into
some evil dimension. I sound like a
pretty bad person wanting everyone to die.
They go into the attic and see some occult virgin sacrifice going
on. The camera shorts out and we hear
some evil howling. Two of the cult
members are sucked onto the ceiling.
They are about to leave but they go back to save the virgin.
A struggled ensues but more of the cultists are sucked onto
the ceiling. A hand reaches out of the
floor at them and floors and birds start flying everywhere. Hand prints appear on walls and the door
molds into a wall. They get the dumb
idea of hiding into the basement because everywhere else is blocked. Hands are coming out of everywhere and they
get out of the cellar door. They get her
in the car and start driving away. The
car breaks down and she disappears.
After searching around she shows up in front of the car. They are locked in the car on train tracks
and get drilled. The end.
FAVORITE SCENE : Instead of favorite scene, I thought I
would just rank the movies from best to worst.
Tuesday the 17 (3rd one), 10/31/98 (5th one), The Sick Thing
That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger (4th one), Second
Honeymoon (2nd one) and Amateur Night (1st one).
FAVORITE QUOTES : Not super well written dialogue here.
PRETENTIOUS RATING(S): “I came, I saw, I hunkered”
Christopher Orr. You big bastard, do you
think you’re funny?
“Perhaps it’s time to put the POV, found footage horror
subgenre out to pasture, the way the western faded into obscurity”. I can think of something else I want to go
out to pasture.
“If I owned this movie on a real VHS tape, I’d record over
it” Mike McGranaghan. If I owned the
transcripts to every review that you have ever put down professor McGonagall, I’d
probably stop reading after two.
“Watching douche bags get their comeuppance loses its charms
after the fourth or fifth time through”
this one I actually agree with but instead of saying comeuppance needs
to be changed.
RATING: 5 Fun Dips. Make
that four because I saw a guy’s doinker.
This movie had a really creepy trailer and I was looking forward to it
but not one of the five shorts really delivered. It’s too bad because I thought the movie had
a pretty good concept and could have been a lot better. Que lastima.
ALTERNATE ENDING: Just like Trick ‘R Treat, the whole movie
is an alternate ending.
WHAT WOULD I DO IF I WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER : For each:
Never be friends with those punks, never be friends with those bros, never get
married to someone who wants to sleep in another bed on a honeymoon, never go
in the woods with someone who is going to tell me I’m going to die, never date
girls to harvest fetus’ and never break into empty houses. Boom.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL : Michael Bay directs all five
shorts, it makes 200 million but no one really likes it.
Douche stache
Most girls brought home from bars might end up looking like this
I've seen worse
Peaceful nap in the woods. Oh autumn.
Caw! Caw!
All I hear is my dad telling five year old me not to put my hands on the wall because it leaves marks on the paint. All I can think of is how I want my house to look like this once I get to make the rules.
There are so many found footage movies around, maybe it's time for a CandyandaMovie original to be made.
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