Non Review Material Post #2

I've done this once before where I took some movie list that I found and break it down a little.  This time, the list is done to look like a subway map which I think is a pretty ingenious idea.  Take a look at a larger version of it here so you can see for yourself: https://cdn.gofobo.com/files/Wc3yh.jpg

Let's do a little breakdown.  Movies on the Universally Acclaimed Masterpiece route intersect with all of the other route's so I'll count them twice because once again, I make the rules.

ROUTE 1 U.A.M: I've seen 20/28.  Not too bad.  The Seven Samurai is on here which means that the list isn't all just American movies like the AFI ones.  The only movie I haven't heard of on this route is Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans so maybe I should get on that.  Also have no complaints with any of the movies

ROUTE 2 ROMANCE: 7/22.  Being a young adult male, romance movies were considered icky for most of my life so I think a free pass should be awarded to me for this genre.  Seeing as how I'm not a romance expert I can't really think of any movies to add either.

ROUTE 3 COMEDY : 9/26  I always have serious problems with movie historians comedy lists.  They all pick the best made movies that have a few where I always want to see movies that make you laugh the most.  Of course the movie can't be garbage too but I would have movies like Dumb and Dumber and a Will Ferrell movie or two, not Life is Beautiful.  One movie that I question being on here is The Hangover.  Sure we all laughed a lot when it came out but have the jokes really held up enough for it to be considered a best ever especially with the list being formed of the best made movies like I've previously stated?  The route also has a couple of dark comedies on there with Fargo and In Bruges.  Really In Bruges made the best comedies of all time list?  I liked the movie it isn't one that should be on this path.  Finally, I hadn't heard of two of these movies that were made in the 20's and I'm sure it's because their humor hasn't held up that well.

ROUTE 4 DRAMA: 11/25  Still in a little bit of a slump.  I haven't seen The Changeling because I didn't hear that it was one of the best ever.  I heard the opposite about The Lives of Others and definitely look forward to watching it soon.  Only hadn't heard of one movie from the 40's on this path.

ROUTE 5 WESTERNS: 9/14  And we're back people.  This route is smaller than a lot of the others because really they stopped making westerns for the most part during the mid 70's.  Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is on here which is funny to me because I never really ever thought of it as a western but I guess it kind of is.  I would have liked to see some Magnificent Seven on the list even though it is a remake of The Seven Samurai which is already on there.

ROUTE 6 WORLD/ADVENTURE: 13/21  For some reason, musicals are thrown in here but only three make the list so it's not that big of a deal.  The Seventh Seal is one of my favorites and it's good to see it get some recognition.  I don't think Into the Wild should be on here and There Will be Blood is more of a drama than an adventure.  Good to see Treasure of the Sierra Madre as well as some newer movies like City of God and Amores Perros on the same list too.

ROUTE 7 MYSTERY/CRIME: 16/32  I got a DVD of 15 Hitchcock movies for $5 a few months ago and once I go through that I'll be a lot closer to finishing this list.  Haven't heard of two movies on this pretty long route.

ROUTE 8 GANGSTER: 12/16 Oh ya 75%!  No foreign movies and only two movies made before before the 70's.  Gangsters we're very big in the first half of the last century and I thought there would have been more Little Caesar type movies on the list.  Also if it the Gangsta route I'm sure Get Rich or Die Tryin would've made it.  Sorry 50 Cent but you don't make this map.

ROUTE 9 THRILLER/HORROR/MONSTER: 14/16  Only movies I  haven't seen here are King Kong and  Frankenstein, both made in the 30's.  Glad The Thing was on there but the Night of the Living Dead should be on there too.

ROUTE 10 ACTION: 13/13  Maybe I'm the new action hero.  A question that I've never been able to answer is do I like Die Hard, Aliens or Terminator 2 better?  So don't ask me.

ROUTE 11 DRAMA ABOUT TOLERANCE: 5/9  There is already a drama list so I don't think this route is all that necessary.  I still need to watch To Kill a Mockingbird.

ROUTE 12 DARK AND WEIRD DRAMA: 5/7  Again this very scientific genre probably isn't needed but some movie guy somewhere wanted to say that he's seen Requiem for a Dream and American History X.  Well I have too.

ROUTE 13 SCI-FI: 13/15  There is a huge difference between Sci-Fi and Sy-Fy in terms of quality.  I've only missed out on Metropolis and The Day The Earth Stood Still.  Star Trek remake could use some swapping out for Solaris (original) or maybe even Brazil.

ROUTE 14 FANTASY: 9/10  I don't know what Harvey is but it's ruining my perfect streak.  This route could be called the Star Wars/Lord of the Rings genre.

ROUTE 15 WAR: 14/25  I haven't seen any of the German war movies like Das Boot and Downfall yet but I plan to.  If I plan on being manly when I grow up, it's time to watch more war movies.

ROUTE 16 ANIMATION: 9/10.  Almost nailed this one.  Grave of the Fireflies is the only movie that I haven't seen but everything I've read about it calls it one of the saddest movies ever animated or not and there just hasn't been a day where getting into a depressed mood has been necessary lately.  Soon enough.  None of the Disney movies before The Lion King made the list which is a surprising.  List needs more Sleeping Beauty.


Summary 179/289 = 62%  Good and Bad.  Bad because 61% is barely getting a D in high school and failing in college meaning I am far from being an expert.  The good comes from me still being young and there are A LOT of really good movies to watch and look forward too.  At least I've heard of 97% of these.

This was a pretty good way to waste a couple of hours.
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Movie # 85 Dream House

Dream House (2011)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1462041/

Who is hotter than Daniel Craig right now?  Maybe only Hansel.  The new James Bond movie is coming out and I thought I'd give Dream House a watch because well, I never turn down a movie with Naomi Watts.  This movie has one of the worst rottentomatoes ratings that I've seen in a while with everyone mentioning that the trailer ruined its twist.  After contemplating just skipping the movie and only watching the trailer, I've decided that it would be fair to Daniel.  Action!

Will (Daniel Craig) quits his job as an editor to spend more time with his family.  He’s a family man?!?  Maybe he can finally build that dream house that he’s always uh, dreamed about.  He goes home to his wife Libby (Rachel Weisz also his real life wife) and tosses a snowball at her.  She says “you gave me such a fright” to which my producer replied “No one says that”.  Someone left her flowers on porch this morning and jokes that they are probably from his secret admirer which is weird because his hair has definitely looked better.  At 8:55 in we get to see him with his shirt off in bed.  I know what you’re thinking, is almost nine minutes too long to wait to see his dark nips and the answer is no because if they did it any sooner, things couldn’t have been done classy.

The first sign of things getting weird is one of his daughter’s claims to see someone in their back yard and the next day he finds footprints in the snow.  He heads down in his basement and finds a bunch of punk kids having some kind of ritual.  He runs them off and when asked what they are doing down there, they answer by saying something about you don’t know about the murders?  I guess a whole family was shot but a dad survived.  I’m pretty sure there is a twist and I think it was spoiled the second it was introduced.  Also one of the dead girl’s names was Beatrice.  Really?  There’s two more clues about twist given away, I’ll tell explain them at the end.

He visits the psych ward the next day and the things that happen again ruin the spoiler and are listed further below.  45 minutes in and after all of the spoiling they just come out and tell us that he is the murderer through the director of the psych ward explaining it to him.  He of course doesn’t take the news very well and continues acting like a crazy person would.  All of the people at the beginning of the movie from his office a really psych patients which is the only cool part so far.  What makes all of this weird is that there are 45 minutes left and the movie is only half over.  Maybe he will spend the rest of the movie trying to find out why he did it?

There is what I thought was a flashback but it’s him interacting with deceased family.  He looks just awful.  The kids start bleeding where they were shot which is also cool.  The kids I guess re-die which is not cool.  His house gets condemned which causes him to go across the street to his neighbor Naomi’s house.  She seems to believe that he really wasn’t the guy who killed the family and that it was someone else.  She then does the very normal neighborly thing of running him a bath.  I’m pretty sure that Daniel Craig should never be taking a bath (at least not by himself). 

THESE ARE ALL SECRETS I GUESS

Let’s take a second and consider this new idea.  If he didn’t kill them, who else could have?  The only other characters in the movie are really Naomi, her kid and her ex-husband.  Also there is a creepy guy who’s kind of been watching him but he is too much of a red herring so I’m going to rule him out.  It’s probably either Daniel or Naomi.  Hold that, there is a flash back that shows the red herring actually doing the killing.  Those two are talking in his house when the ex-husband and the red herring show up and give Daniel a little bit of a beating.  The ex tells Naomi that it was supposed to be her.  Is this whole movie a mistake and the hit man just showed up at the wrong house?

Jack the ex kills the hit man and plans on killing the wife to I guess get some insurance money and his kid back while somehow framing Craig in the process.  Killing your former spouse always is the best way to get full custody.  The house is set on fire and Libby tries to talk Craig through taking down Jack.  I guess she is more of a ghost than an imaginary person because she can do things like move wind chimes (which are in a really windy place like the basement).  The two bad guys die and Daniel and Naomi make it out.  He runs back into the house to save the ghosts (right?) and inside they tell him to leave in what becomes his moment of letting them go.  Craig writes a bestselling book called “Dream House”.

THE END

ALL OF THE SPOILERS THAT ARE GIVEN AWAY: Punk kid says he back which made me think it’s him, he finds an article about the dad being released from a psych ward, Naomi brings him stew like there is no wife for him to cook for and when she leaves is asked about who used to live there in which she gives no response, we’re 30 minutes in and the Libby or any of the kids have neither left the house or talked to anyone but Will and until they do I think they’re dead, he visits the psych ward and Peter’s not there but a picture of his kids are, on the video at the psych ward we never see Peter Ward’s face.

FAVORITE SCENE: Him leaving the psych hospital and seeing everyone.  One of probably two cool parts.

FAVORITE LINES: None in this movie

PRETENTIOUS RATINGS: “The premise may err on the daft side but it’s played with a conviction and an atmosphere of bleak dread is carefully evoked if not maintained until the final credits”.  Can’t you just say that the plot is a little bit of a stretch?  Or is that too daft?

“Disappears up its own fundamental implausibility” Phillip French.  I wish you’d disappear up your own you know what.

“This is one property you’d do well to stay away from” James White.  Sometimes there is a joke that is so obvious that it can never be funny.  I can’t take you seriously if with your one sentence you choose any of the following: This is a dream that I want to wake up from, something about a nightmare or stay away from this house.  I don’t know you but I would love to think that you’re better than this.

RATING: If you looked up Dream House on Google Earth all you would see is a red dot because just like pedophiles, it stinks!  Just kidding 4.0 Cadbury Dream bars.  Everywhere I looked said that the trailer gave away the whole spoiler so I purposely avoided it.  Now that I’m done, I gave it a watch (above) and not only does it give things away by the scenes shown but it literally tells you in text that pops up.  It could have saved me 45 minutes easy.  And the ending, woof.  The whole movie was an accident because the guy went to the wrong house?  Something is wrong when a director makes a guy look so unbelievably sketchy that you are actually shocked to find out that he IS the bad guy instead of one of the very few normal people.

Let’s talk about the director.  The movie was test screened and not really liked at all which made the director go back and change some scenes.  While he was doing that, the studio jumped in and made their own changes to the flick.  That huge intrusion led to the crappy trailer, Craig and Weisz deciding not to promote the movie and the director asking for his name to be taken out of the movie.  Things not adding up are starting to make a lot of sense now.  Think about it, what if we found out that Bruce Willis was really dead halfway through The Sixth Sense.  Any director would probably know that it’s better to use that twist to build suspense throughout the whole movie instead of spoiling things.  Once we found out he was crazy there is just a huge drop off in emotion.  Who cares what happens next, the biggest story line is already complete.  Also a funny note is that this movie wasn’t screened in advance for critics which is usually a bad sign.

ALTERNATE ENDING: I thought this movie could have some pieces that if done better, would make an enjoyable film.  What I really wanted for out of the rest of the movie after we find out that he was the dad was to see him struggle.  Daniel Craig’s acting was one of the better parts of the movie and I thought it would have been pretty cool to see him have to deal with living in a house with the ghosts of his dead family.  It’s pretty harsh and could have been something almost memorable.  Even after he told his family that they were dead and he was the only one who could see them, I think it would work.  But instead of showing a pretty sweet of one man’s struggle against his own imagination, they came up with this dumb storyline of the neighbor trying to kill his wife.  Not the way I would have done it and a mega let down.

WHAT WOULD I DO IF I WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER: I don’t know how to put this civilly but I’ll try.  Losing your whole family and thinking that you were another person probably is a bad day but if I lived across the street to a Naomi Watts who was into me, I could forget about them.  Just kidding that was harsh.  I’d remember but I’d also take more baths at Naomi’s place.  It’s what they would want me to do.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL: 100% certain that no one in real life will touch a sequel of this but if they did it would be called Daydream Room for Rent in a 4/2 (Fully Furnished).  Daniel Craig will spend the whole movie daydreaming about how his life could have been different if he just stayed with Naomi.  Instead he unwilling shares his shampoo money with a community college student who refers to himself as “Big Corona”.

 Whole family doing alive things

 Naomi sporting a turtleneck

 Why can't anyone see me

 If this movie was trying to be The Shining, it was 0% scary.

 Bad guy sporting the I'm obviously the bad guy look

Look at me, I'm James Bond.  I'm so cool that burning buildings are boring and I don't even turn around to watch.

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Adieu

Movie # 84 Three Extremes 2

Three Extremes II (2002)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0324242/

I know I said I was going to try and do 31 horror movies in 31 days but laptop troubles let you and me down.  It’s not really that big of a deal because November will just start with the last six.  I’m keeping the anthology movies going by watching Three Extremes II.  The first one included one story I really liked and two that were pretty ok.  Three new stories and directors, whoopee.

We start out by watching a guy sleep in silence for like a whole two minutes.  He wakes up to see a creepy doll jerk its head around on its own.  A girl is kneeling back in forth on the ground also as creepily as possible.  She has long hair covering most of her face and what little we see looks, well you guessed it, creepy.  This story is called Memories.

Nothing happens with it and the guy goes to a therapist and gets diagnosed with some disorder.  The creepy girl he saw was his dead wife and the trauma of going through that is making him see things I guess.  The guy saws that he can remember what she looked like on the day she died but not why left.  Wait hold on a second, maybe she isn’t dead because she wakes up in the middle of the road where she looked very deceased.  This is all very confusing.  It’s possible that she is just missing.

The guy goes back to his house and talks with a security guard of the building.  The guard tells a story on how the place is weird and once walked into a guy’s rape dungeon and didn’t do anything about it.  That would probably disturb most of us to make some kind of action but the main guy doesn’t seem to care at all and walks to his place.

Back to the chick that seems to have no clue who she is making the whole Memories title make sense.  Weird things keep happening as she tries to find her way home and he see’s awful visions.  I’m guessing one of them cheated on the other, that’s usually how these things go.  Also, this is booooooooooring.  There is one line spoken per what seems like 5 minutes, I have very little idea what is going on and all none verbal dialogue is done through scared looks to the side and gasps (don’t know if that is considered verbal).  She makes it back to their apartment and has a vision of her husband killing her by a rock smash to her dome.  Is she a ghost then?  He opens up a bag that’s been sitting on his floor all movie and it’s cut up pieces of her.  He drives away and there is a flashback of her trying to leave him.  The end.  0 for 1.

The next story opens up with text saying that some puppets are cursed and only their rightful owners can bring them to life.  I can buy that.  This one is called The Wheel.  A guy as cursed as I’ve ever seen screams in a bed one night.  There is a funeral the next day for Mr. Tao’s (the cursed dude) wife and son.  He sent them out on a boat one night to drown some cursed puppets and it sounds like they failed.  Also it’s usually more effective to try and burn things made out of wood instead of drown them.  That night, that very same night, the cursed guy house burns down with him in it.  Boom, roasted.  Also, that night, that very same night, a guy nabs the cursed dude’s puppets and almost drowns in water that he can stand on.  Come on Thailand!  Deal with your curses a little bit better.  Take some time off.  Yeesh.

Another guy performs some time later wearing the puppet costume and dies.  While that is going on, a kid and her grandmother fight over a puppet and the grandma dies but of course the guy in charge of the town doesn’t think that the curse is a big deal still.  To go even further, he cuts off the puppets head and taunts it.  While he’s doing that, his wife is does a puppet dance and ends up hung (hanged).  And I thought the first story was bad.

There’s a whole scene where the taunter says he is now in charge of the puppet and there is something real evil about it.  I am trying to make this sound as interesting as I can but it’s a real struggle.  Puppets killing people is one thing (an awesome thing), puppets giving people a curse that makes them die of natural and yet unfortunate circumstances is pretty boring.  It’s a thin line and this movie is on the wrong side of it.  Everyone gets killed except for a little girl who kills the last guy.  Then two guys climb out of a river it.  It was all a dream.  What a pointless story.  Next movie.

The last flick is called Going Home.  A police officer and his son are moving into a building that is being torn down in a month.  If that doesn’t make a lot to sense to you, the son keeps seeing a random little girl with no eyebrows all over the place.  Eye brows and the lack of them have a lot of say into whither a little Asian girl is creepy or not.  There isn’t really any plot yet but there are some boobs.  Another guy who lives in the building gives his paralyzed from the waist down wife a bath.  The scene was just thrown in there to show her jugs but there’s nothing I can do about it.

The creepy girl finally comes up to the boy and asks if he wants to play.  They go off together and the dad goes out looking for him.  He asks the building’s owner if he has seen him and he says no and you better find him before it’s too late.  That doesn’t sound good.  The cop then goes to his neighbors, sees the wife underwater in the tub and gets knocked out by the dude who hits him from behind.  I think they are the creepy girl’s parents too.  He wakes up morning tied down to a chair and the wife is sitting in a chair too which is weird because I thought she was drowned in the last scene.  They have a little discussion about her.  The cop says hey dude your wife is dead.  He responds with when I dunk her in the tub of herbs everyday she heals a little bit.  He says, no dude your wife is dead, look at the bruises on her neck.  Finally the neighbor responds with well of course, I had to kill her to save her.

Unfortunately, the cop is kept in his restraints by the incredibly insane neighbor so he can’t find his kid.  Things get even a little weird for me when the crazy guy puts the cop in his tub naked and starts to feed him.  The wife gets bathed again, this time on the floor because the tub is occupied.  I wonder how her audition went.  Was it “Please disrobe and remain motionless while I rub this sponge over you or was it more of a “play dead, get butt naked and I’m going to hit you with this hose real quick.  Really make the part you”.  Right as the wife was supposedly going to “wake up” the cops show up and free their missing compadre.  As he was taken away, the wife blinks but is taken in a coffin anyway.  He chases after her but gets hit by a car in the fakest way I’ve ever seen.  The movie ends with her starting to wake up and a video of her telling that she already did the dead “treatment” on him and it worked. 

STORY RANKINGS:  Third one is definitely the best.  First is second only because the middle story sucked something awful.

MEMORABLE LINES: Too hard to find

PRETNETIOUS RATINGS: I don’t think too many people have seen this.

RATING : 5 Ricola Swiss Herb Candies.  First two stories were awful.  It seems like Thailand should stick with action movies and stay away from thrillers.  The first was just a movie with a lame, obvious twist.  The last story though did pick up and makes you wish that this was called One Extreme or even just One Xtreme.  It’s a tragic story about two star crossed lovers who’s paths just can’t seem to intersect.  Also it’s a movie about a dude bathing his two year deceased wife.  I reeeeeeeeeeeally hope that’s as far as he got with her.  Going Home also had what now seems like the classic Asian ending, a twist so good that you aren’t completely bummed out about a seriously harsh ending.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL: Three Extremes Three: Three New Directors That Are Worse Than the Six Who Already Did in the First Two Make Stories (based on the novel Push by Sapphire).

 Taking a permanent nap on some road

 Remember all acting is done by scared looks to the side

 What a scary cursed puppet!

 Wicked 2 was so good that she cried fruit punch

 Putting a clear coat on my dead wife's fingernails.  Nothing too fancy this year.

Nothing to see here.  Just one bro taking a bath with another bro feeding him.

XTREME!!!

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Movie #83 Paranormal Activity 4

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2109184/

31 days of horror movies is becoming the 31 days and change of horror movies because of laptop troubles.  It will get done.  Another P.A. movie probably means an hour of boring security cams in which two things will happen followed by 15 minutes of suspense and ultimately a let down of an ending.  I still think that they are a little fun to watch the first time as long as your with someone else and yelling at the screen.  "Don't go in there!", "Dude she's possessed", and "Is it over yet?" are all things I've said in the previous ones and some new ones will probably come out this time too.  Movie time.

My memory isn't perfect but I believe that this one starts right after the second one ended (because the third is a prequel).  Possessed Katie kills everyone, takes the baby hunter and disappears into the night.  The movie jumps to Henderson (Henderson!), NV in what I guess is the present time.  This time, the story revolves on a family and I'm going to use their real names this time.  There's Spend Too Much Time At Work Dad, Normal Mom, Older Sister and 10 Year Old Brother.  Older sis has a few people over while her parents are gone and they find a the kid from across the street in her tree house.  He is a weird kid who always keeps just showing up.

Older sis of course has an annoyingly, not funny boyfriend who will not stop talking.  They're skyping one night and the cops show up at creepy neighbors house.  The kids mom has to go to the hospital for a few days so he has to stay with the movie family.  Creepy kid brings over all of his things, including a fork that can tell the future.  Interesting.  The annoying couple is skyping again and she leaves for a really long time.  While she is gone, the skype is left on and we see something move by the door.  Older sis jumps in the bed and there is the first pop out scare of the movie.

The next day she goes over to the boyfriends house, who creepily recorded her while she was sleeping and we see that the neighbor climbed into her bed while she was sleeping.  I don't know which is worse, being snuggled up on by an unknown 8 year old or knowing that your boyfriend records videos of you sleeping.  Later in the day she goes back into the tree house and finds creepy kid with her younger brother playing around.  They both introduce her to their new friend, an imaginary guy sitting in the corner.  Didn't this same exact thing happen in the second, where one of the girls saw a person?  You had two years to come up with something new but I guess that wasn't enough time.

The boyfriend walks in on the two kids playing XBOX Kinect with Tobey, the ghost who has his own avatar.  THE GHOST PLAYS XBOX Kinect.  Later that night they have a dance party with night vision and might have seen something.

NIGHT 1
Older sister wakes up because she hears something.  Everyone is sleeping except creepy kid who is downstairs just staring at the fireplace.  He also was talking to someone invisible and they slapped him in the dark which causes him to run away.

The night ends with nothing else happening and the boyfriend hasn't had an extremely brutal death yet.  Brutal.  He shows up and does another pop up scare.  Older sister and boyfriend set up a few camera's all over the house so we should see some stuff happen tonight.

NIGHT 3
Because night two was skipped.  Creepy kid again leaves his bed at three in the morning and heads downstairs.  This time the younger brother plays around with him.  Absolutely nothing else happens.  Older sister arrives home from school and hears a ball bouncing down the stairs on its own.  Again, that already happened in The Changeling, way to be original P.A. 4.  She heads up to her room but keeps hearing noises when she should be alone in the house.  There's a loud bang and a tail of toys is left in the hallway which leads to a closet in the boys room.  She walks inside and a train goes off to add scares.  A cat runs by for the same effect.  A chandelier falls, almost killing the girl and creepy kid randomly shows up on the ledge.  Girl tells her parents that she thinks that creepy kid brought something into the house but no one believes her.

NIGHT 6
This time at two something a.m. and the girl wakes up.  She see a bunch of cars outside the creepy kids house and decides to check it out.  She sees someone, chickens out and then runs home.  Night over again and nothing good has happened.  The next  day one of the little kids is riding a big wheel around the house (THE SHINING, COME ON WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO RIP OFF NEXT) when chairs start moving on their own and the kid gets off the bike and Tobey drives it around a little.


Creepy kid draws images all over the little brother so that he can "see him".  I'm guessing he means Toby and he also adds that Toby does not like the boyfriend.  At least I'm not the only one.

NIGHT 7
Back to 3 am.  Creepy kid hoes back downstairs and talks to Tobey.  He says "they're all sleeping, I'm sure".  Finally something that I think is cool, the creepy kid might be setting them up.  The sister does some investigating and finds out what the symbols creepy kid wrote on little bro are.  It's signs that let a person be possessed.  Some friend.  There are three steps the the process: 1. The host exhibits signs of being a good ghost host  2.  The host shows that he is down with the demon's vibe 3.  The host has to spill the blood of an nonviolent.  The trifecta.

Later that night, the mom is chopping vegetables and gets distracted when little bro calls for her.  When she turns around, the knife is shown to be whisked away into the air and she never finds it.  The following day shows the two boys wandering off across the street to the creepy kids house.  Sister follows them and just walks inside when no one answers.  All the furniture is covered by sheets and one of the closets has a padlock on it.  She then bumps into the mom who is Katie from the other movies.  That's all that happens.  That means the creepy kid doesn't need to stay over anymore, or does it?

NIGHT 9
1:30 in the morning and we see the dad downstairs watching TV when he hears something.  Computers and TVs start turning on by themselves.  For the third time, something done in many movies already.  He turns around and the missing knife drops out of the air, sticking into the table.  The mom come down and doesn't care because knives falling out of the air are no big deal to her.  Just come back to bed because it will be easy to fall asleep.  Big sister interviews the little bro about what happened when he went over to Katie's house and he said that she knew he was adopted and his other family needs him back.

NIGHT 10
Something has to happen one of these nights.  Who would keep recording after like a week of nothing?  I guess there isn't a whole lot to do in Nevada.  The little brother walks downstairs after his door opened on its own.  He starts talking to Tobey saying that his he's not the creepy kid.  That's it.  Please something happen in the next night.

The next day, little brother takes a bath and Toby tries to drown him.  The mom isn't watching him because she gets a phone call.  The little bro must be able to hold his breath longer than I can because he was under there forever. He says nothing when he gets up, probably possessed or something because there's less than 20 minutes left and this thing has to wrap up somehow.

NIGHT 11
Little bro walks into his creepy closet while his parents argue downstairs because the mom gave older sis a sleeping pill.  The brother than talks in to her room where Toby rips her sheets off and he levitates.  Not really well though because you can see that her feet were dangling by whatever lifted her.  Night over.  Seriously?

Sister talks to little bro who is now going by a different name.  It's the same name as the creepy kid and according to him, used to be his other name.

NIGHT WHO EVEN CARES ANYMORE

The sister is skyping with her boyfriend again and it looks like Katie is in her house.  She is babysitting and hears the garage door open.  Boyfriend gets hung up on and the garage door keeps opening on its own until eventually it slams shut and a car starts on her own.  While she is stuck up there, little bro hides in his closet and Katie walks into his room.  Oh forgot to mention that the garage is filling up with dangerous fumes.  Katie tells the brother that he needs to open up the door and that he is "almost ready".

LETS GET TO THE ENDING ALREADY

Eventually she gets in the car and busts through to doors.  Of course her parents DON'T BELIEVE HER" because this movie needs to get even more frustrating.  Sometime in the next day, the mom gets distracted by a phone call again and Katie strolls up to the little brothers bedroom again.  Something falls out of the sky again in front of her, this time a book.  Toby grabs her, lifts her up to the ceiling and then drops her what is most likely to her death.

The boyfriend shows up and the moms body is gone.  He hears a bang and gets killed when Katie just magically appears behind him and breaks his neck.  The dad and sister were out I guess and when they get home she heads up to her room while the dad goes across the street to wear he thinks he saw the little bro.  She gets dragged around a little by the spirit and runs across the street for help.  The house is pitch black and we hear what might be groans (possibly moans) from the dad.  Also there is clear plastic tarps hung up on the walls.  I've only seen two seasons of Dexter but that's enough to know that something bloody is about to happen.  She sees her dad being dragged around (this is all in night vision by the way) but heads out looking for little brother when she hears his cries for help.  Katie appears with a demon face and chases her outside where she finds the little brother who just stands there.  She turns the camera around, sees like 100 people walking toward her and then demon faced Katie (maybe it was just her real face not looking so great in the dark) probably kills her although we can only hear because the camera is dropped.  Then the movie just ends.  IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE AN ENDING?

FAVORITE SCENE: Not even going to try and make a joke, just didn't like any of them.

MEMORABLE LINES: Look up

OTHER RATINGS: This one is harder because I agree with most of them.  Still there are some dorks out there
"They should have called this Paranormal Inactivity"  Oh that's brilliant James Berardinelli.  I don't think I have ever heard that before.  You sound like you were a writer for this movie.

"The jig is up and the joke's on us" Roger Moore.  Right?  Also a little axe can cut down a big tree, it takes a village to raise a child and something about the bee's knees.  The jig is up?  How old are you?

"The mood is often playful, with teases and fake-outs that are sometimes humorous and usually right before shocks.  Violence is rare, quick and devoid of lingering close-ups.  " Andy Webster of the New York Times.  This guy writes for the New York Times?  Does this guy even know what a horror movie is?  I know that whenever I watch one, I hope that the violence is rare and quick.  In fact, it would be better without anyone dying or having to be scared in the first place.  Also instead of tension being build by a legitimate, ominous subject, I would rather be teased by humorous fake-outs and pop out scares.  One of the directors must have paid for this review because there is no way that this came from a professional.

RATING : 2 pieces of already chewed double bubble.  This was definitely the worst P.A. yet and that isn't a title you want.  That's like being called the worst member of the Westboro church of the worst singer of 98 degrees.  I just looked up and the last two of the movies were directed by the same people who did Catfish which I also thought was pretty zzzzz.  I usually at least have a little fun watching these whether it be from looking for things moving on their own or stuff like that but NOTHING happened in this one until 3 minutes from the end.  And the ending..... you can't just kill people for the sake of killing them, show a bunch of people who we don't know and then end a movie?  I mean I guess you can, but you can't be proud of that.  Thanks for another movie without a single captivating character worth caring for.

ALTERNATE ENDING: Once, just once, I want to see a found footage possession movie in which every character knows what they are dealing with.  They've done this four times now where an hour of the movie is spent not believing in spirits when a whole audience of people is there to see them deal with the beyond.  Enough wasting time.  This moment never happens in the original ending so I'm writing a new one where we find out about things.  First off we are told where Katie went and also where all those people came from.  We find out who her son is if the little brother is supposedly her nephew.  Finally we find out who is still paying money to see these because its made 42.5 million with a budget of only 5 million.

WHAT WOULD I DO IF I WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER : After I spent all that time setting up cameras to record what was happening at night, I WOULD
WATCH THE DAMN FOOTAGE.  There was what like 12 nights and they looked over just 2 of them.  Same goes for the other movies.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL :  Probably nothing.  You would like to think that some of the profits from this movie would go to paying for real writers but you know that won't happen.  At least I think it won't happen.  Do you want to know why?  Because the creator of this franchise has actually made a deal with the devil to make money off all of these.  It's the only logical reason that I can come up with for their success.  I'm only like 25% sure though which also happens to be this movies rating on rottentomatoes.  I hope it was worth it.

 The movie uses this XBOX night vision stuff so much and nothing cool ever happens with it.

 Big Sis

 Creepy kid doing his thing

 Little bro color demonic symbols on himself

If you actress, it's time to appear in something that requires acting Katie.  Get out of your emotionless possessed comfort zone.

If you still want to see this, make sure it's for free!

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Movie #82 V/H/S

V/H/S (2012)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2105044/

The beginning of the movie is very confusing because it doesn’t feel like a movie just started.  Things are happening without any explanation at all.  First a couple of guys grab a chick in a parking lot and lift her shirt up, exposing her breasts.  BOOBS!  It feels dirty and rapey though.  I like it 0%.  From there they go and smash up some trailer, filming everything on their little camcorder.  They get back to a house and watch the tapes with one of them saying they get paid to make the dirty boob videos.  They get paid to break into some house and all they have to do is steal a video tape.  Oh and also a couple of people’s home sex video has been spliced in.

They get inside the house and find it empty except for 1 dead guy and a bunch of TVs and movies.  One guy I think plays the a tape and this movie is going to be just like Trick ‘R Treat; multiple stories are going to take place.  I have to say that I’m kind of glad because the four guys looking for the tape are pretty crummy individuals and I am already rooting for their death.  The first video shows three guys in a bathroom with one of them trying on camera spy glasses.  Two of them are total bros and remind me of some old, horrible roommates.  Again I will be cheering for their deaths.  They all go out bars and try to pick up some babes.  In the middle of it they find this crazy looking chick with the creepiest eyes ever.  Eventually they get kicked out and on the way home give the creepy girl some cocaine.

One of the guys and chicks start making out on one bed while spy glasses guy and the creepy chick sit on another bed.  That chick passes out so the dude start making out with crazy eyes while she does weird hissing and does not looked amused.  He strips her naked (we see everything unfortunately) and see that she has like serpent feet.  She starts getting freaky with glasses too but when the their guy takes his pants off she says no.  I guess two dudes is her limit.  Out of nowhere she takes a bite out of one guy and starts tearing up another.  She grows fangs and other succubus appendages meaning that bro is dead.  Yes!  Before she kills him, she rips off his hand and uses it to muzzle him.  Also I’ve seen the same dong twice which will factor in the final rating.  Crazy eyes kills the other guy so all that is left is glasses.  He peeks around to see her sucking his blood and then in a sound that resembles popping a wine cork, tears of his ding dong and nugget pouch, which still counts.  Glasses gets away but she catches up on the stairwell.  Out of nowhere we see he’s above the building very high and notice wings.  Eyes sprouted them, snatched him up and they flew away.  The end.

The crappy dudes find another tape and pop it in.  The next movie is a home movie of a couple taking a vacation out in the west.  They go to one of those fortune telling machines like in big and it says that the wife is going to be reunited with a past love one and not to be too trusting.  He starts getting a little frisky with her on camera when there’s a knock at the door.  It was a girl asking if they would give her a ride and the husband just describes her as weird because we don’t get to see her.  That night we think the wife is filming the husband sleeping until the camera pans to the wife too.  Someone is in their room!  It pulls down her sheets and pops out a switch blade.  Their still sleeping and this is very tense.  They must be very heavy sleepers because I would be up already. 

We see that it’s the chick because she steals the guy’s money and then goes into the bathroom and dunks his toothbrush in the toilet.  She got him!  That ends and it’s day time.  The next day the missing money has the squabbling over why she took the money.  After spending the day at the Grand Canyon they get back to their hotel room and all I can think is don’t go to sleep, that’s when the bad lady comes.  This time she doesn’t mess around and cuts his whole throat in his sleep.  We then see her making out with the wife in the bathroom as she cleans up.  Looks like that was the past love.

That movie ends and we see that the dead guy is no longer in the chair but it seems to have gone unnoticed by the chumps.  Not good.  The third movie looks to be a couple of teenagers on a road trip.  They get real close to and honk to horn at a hitchhiker who will probably be showing up in the future for revenge.  They are going to a lake and it seems a lot like the beginning of cabin in the woods.  My producer said that she’s 100% sure that the blond chick is going to get naked.  Also the camera starts randomly tweaking out and showing dead bodies that no one seems to notice.  The creepier chick randomly says the line “your all going to f****** die up here”.  By the way, the first VHS was called Amateur Night, the second was Second Honeymoon and this one is called Tuesday the 17^th.  One guy strips down and jumps into the lake.  I only saw his butt and no dong so this one is ok.

The blond and the other guy walk out into the woods together and get stabbed by someone that only appears on the camera I guess.  The chick gets stabbed  through her eye and the guy holding the camera gets his face stabbed also.  The weird chick who told everyone that their deaths were imminent picks up the camera and asks the guy from the lake if he wants to f***.  Way too brash and not attractive.  He asks her about the murders and she says that the stabber was beyond insane and evil.  The camera tweaks out a little and that always means the murderer is coming.  She says that she is using them as bait to get the guy.  He gets his throat slit and she runs away in fear.  Through the chase she leads him into a number of traps but he manages to get out each time.  She tells herself that she came back for nothing and runs to get away.  There is the classic trip  that the girl always makes while running and she says into the camera “if you are watching this, don’t come here” like the person won’t have to come to the woods to pick it up.  He gets spiked on a trap but seems to be invincible and kills her.  Some disemboweling occurs and the movie just kind of ends.

The guy is back in his chair and two of the punks are missing.  It seems that the movies have probably gotten better each time which means the fourth one has to be the best yet right?  A guy and a girl are skyping and the chick resembles a bird just a little bit.  She says that she bruised her arm and doesn’t remember how.  I was thinking that maybe they were brother in sister but after she does a topless shake in front of the camera it appears that they are more of a couple.  She gives a him a virtual tour of her apartment and says she hears footsteps sometimes.  They skype another time and she can hear something outside her door.  She is convinced that her apartment is haunted.  A girl appears in the hallway and slams the door shut.  The guy thinks that he saw something but it could have just been the breeze.  WHY DO THEY ALWAYS NOT JUST BELIEVE IN THESE MOVIES!  Her bruise arm still isn’t getting any better. 

Another night and she hears more noises.  She does some investigating with the skype and we see the girl again.  Creepy.  We see her arm and it is a horrible bloody mess.  The guy says that the same thing happened to her leg seven years ago.  Another night and more voices.  This time she comes up with the bright idea of talking to the ghost.  She tells him that ghosts freak her out.  Weird they don’t do that to anyone else.  The door is opened and we don’t see any ghosts at first.  My producer and I are expecting a big jump to come.  The little girl appears and then see a few girls.  The camera goes totally bright and we see her on the ground.  A guy walks in and opens her stomach with a scalpel.  Pretty weird.  It’s the boyfriend and he’s talking to the ghosts.  He says something to them like “you’re telling me this thing is part human” and he pulls what looks like a fetus out of her.  Then he leaves.

The poor girl goes to a psychiatrist and is diagnosed a schizophrenic and tells the guy he’s so good to her.  The guy starts skyping with another girl and she shows boobs too!  She has the same bruise on her arm.  Movie over kind of unexplained.  The dead guy and person watching the movies is gone so there’s only one left.  I’m starting to think the punks are the fifth movie.  The “dead” guy is some kind of beast and opens his face really wide to kill the last punk.

The fourth movie was called that sick thing that happened to Emily when she was younger and this last one is called 10/31/98 which happens to be the date on the camcorder which is filming four guys that are in between middle aged and college students going to a costume party.  They get to the house and it’s completely empty.  It could be the same house that the punks had just broken into.  They think it’s just a haunted house but we are seeing ghosts and arms reaching out of walls.  Upstairs a guy sees a girl in a mirror and then she’s gone.  Also a bear that was downstairs is now lying on the bed.  All the lights shut off and the group seems to be split in two.  They regroup and go deeper.  There’s some suspense going on for sure but these guys are clowns and I wouldn’t mind them getting sucked into some evil dimension.  I sound like a pretty bad person wanting everyone to die.  They go into the attic and see some occult virgin sacrifice going on.  The camera shorts out and we hear some evil howling.  Two of the cult members are sucked onto the ceiling.  They are about to leave but they go back to save the virgin.

A struggled ensues but more of the cultists are sucked onto the ceiling.  A hand reaches out of the floor at them and floors and birds start flying everywhere.  Hand prints appear on walls and the door molds into a wall.  They get the dumb idea of hiding into the basement because everywhere else is blocked.  Hands are coming out of everywhere and they get out of the cellar door.  They get her in the car and start driving away.  The car breaks down and she disappears.  After searching around she shows up in front of the car.  They are locked in the car on train tracks and get drilled.  The end.

FAVORITE SCENE : Instead of favorite scene, I thought I would just rank the movies from best to worst.  Tuesday the 17 (3rd one), 10/31/98 (5^th one), The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger (4^th one), Second Honeymoon (2^nd one) and Amateur Night (1^st one).

FAVORITE QUOTES : Not super well written dialogue here.

PRETENTIOUS RATING(S): “I came, I saw, I hunkered” Christopher Orr.  You big bastard, do you think you’re funny? 

“Perhaps it’s time to put the POV, found footage horror subgenre out to pasture, the way the western faded into obscurity”.  I can think of something else I want to go out to pasture.

“If I owned this movie on a real VHS tape, I’d record over it” Mike McGranaghan.  If I owned the transcripts to every review that you have ever put down professor McGonagall, I’d probably stop reading after two.

“Watching douche bags get their comeuppance loses its charms after the fourth or fifth time through”  this one I actually agree with but instead of saying comeuppance needs to be changed.

RATING: 5 Fun Dips.  Make that four because I saw a guy’s doinker.  This movie had a really creepy trailer and I was looking forward to it but not one of the five shorts really delivered.  It’s too bad because I thought the movie had a pretty good concept and could have been a lot better.  Que lastima.

ALTERNATE ENDING: Just like Trick ‘R Treat, the whole movie is an alternate ending.

WHAT WOULD I DO IF I WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER : For each: Never be friends with those punks, never be friends with those bros, never get married to someone who wants to sleep in another bed on a honeymoon, never go in the woods with someone who is going to tell me I’m going to die, never date girls to harvest fetus’ and never break into empty houses.  Boom.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL : Michael Bay directs all five shorts, it makes 200 million but no one really likes it.

 Douche stache

 Most girls brought home from bars might end up looking like this

 I've seen worse

 Peaceful nap in the woods.  Oh autumn.

 Caw!  Caw!

All I hear is my dad telling five year old me not to put my hands on the wall because it leaves marks on the paint.  All I can think of is how I want my house to look like this once I get to make the rules.

There are so many found footage movies around, maybe it's time for a CandyandaMovie original to be made.

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