Candy and a Movie: March 2012

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Movie #37 The Protector

The Protector (2005)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0427954/

A.K.A Tom Yum Goong if you speak Thai, which I do not. If you don't know who Tony Jaa is, it's time you learn. I first saw him in Ong Bak, which was great. I heard that The Protector was even better and let's just saying after watching this, once I bought it. The Protector is a kung fu movie and maybe has 3 of my favorite fight scenes of all time in the same movie. Have you read the piranha post? If you haven't you should. I kept a nudity count in it. Did something similar in this movie. I don't want this to sound bad but my brother and I aren't exactly sure how much money Thailand has. Some of these stunts looked amazing. So amazing that it probably took high quality, expensive stunts to make. Stunts that we aren't sure that they could afford. That is why we think 49 bones were actually broken and 20 people may have possibly been killed. Two men's genitals may have also been permanently rendered useless. That's how good this movie is! Scratch that. For how good the fight scenes are, the rest of the movie is bad. The plot is Jaa's elephants were stolen and he wants to get them back before they are killed. It's not about that though. It's about Jaa just wrecking bad guys.

Like I said, there are elephants. Jaa's family has taken care of them for forever and they are like family. They are all at some kind of fair and Jaa's grandfather gets shot trying to stop a bunch of guys from stealing the elephants. Jaa's goes after some people but they get the elephants anyway. About 10-15 minutes goes by without anyone getting a beat down but the wait is over. It starts with Jaa's go to move, a flying knee. He then throws a kick that doesn't get that close but it is probably the only flaw in the scene. In fact, here is the scene I have no problem with you watching all of the fights that I post before watching the movie as long as you get it and watch with all of your friends after. It's a whole experience. If you know me away from the internet and want to borrow it, just ask. Immediately following that fight is a pretty solid boat chase. Not exactly the Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade chase, but still solid enough. Jaa learns that his elephants are taken to Sydney, Australia and off he goes.

Right after getting off the air plane, he of course gets picked up by a car jacker in a stolen taxi. He gets away but now the cops(led by a dirty commissioner) want him because he could've been in on the crime all along. Some people are opening an underground exotic animal restaurant and that is why they want rare animals like elephants. Don't know what elephant would taste like, can't imagine liking it. An Asian lady is taking over and she seems pretty evil. Jaa finds this guy named Johnny who is the one who took his elephants. His girlfriend is pretty hot. Too hot to be just an extra, I bet she'll be back. They have a mini fight that Johnny kind of wins. Jaa chases after him and kicks like a 12 foot high street light just to do it. It's awesome. He catches up, ruins whatever criminal deal they were having and starts the next fight. Not sure if you've ever seen Brink! but there is a team of bmx/roller bladers/motorcycle/atv fighters that enter and all try to take Jaa down. Look like team x blades, that's the blink reference. Here's the fight completely random, completely awesome. Probably stupid awesome.

We find out Johnny works for the evil lady. Jaa got pretty messed up during that last fight and winds up on the street. Johnny's girlfriend finds him and brings him to her apartment for rest. He dreams about the old kings fighting on elephants. Again, possibly a large chunk of the budget was spent on this and not actual stuntmen. He wakes up and I think that she must have a heart of gold to be taking care of him like that. Next scene we see that she is basically a prostitute and Johnny is her pimp. Makes more sense now that she would be helping out the guy after Johnny. Now there is this weird meeting of important businessmen at a mud bath. A couple of call girls, including the girlfriend (don't know what else to call her). Things get dirty, not sexy, just dirty. One guy starts having a heart attack. Maybe it was sexy for him. The dirty cop from the taxi scene walks in and kills everyone but the girlfriend who is hiding and another cop who takes the frame for the murders. At this point of the movie you realize that any line said in english has been learned only for the movies. No one speaks english or knows what they are saying.

Ok, my favorite scene happens now. Might be my favorite from any movie. Jaa is trying to get to the top of this circular building where the restaurant is. He has to fight his way up. The entire fight scene is in one shot. That means no one yelled cut, it's just one take. Pretty unheard of. The fight with Johnny at the end wasn't bad but the best part is the whole circle. Enjoy As you can tell, Johnny is all kicks and that will only get you so far. Jaa doesn't find his elephant but does find the cop who was framed and a ton of “love slaves”. Then the baby elephant shows up thank goodness.

Back to the evil lady who it turns out just wants control of her crime family. Her animal restaurant just got shut down and she has no respect. To get respect, she poisons the two young heirs. Looks like she is in control now. Meanwhile, Jaa has been hiding out at a monastery. He comes back one day to find that this Capote dude killed all the monks. They get into this awesome looking fight. They do a little dance fighting and there is sweet slow mo. Then he fights a sword guy and then a Stone Cold Steve Austin look alike. Fight

TIME FOR THE ENDING

The girlfriend drops off a tape of the dirty cop killing people. Jaa goes after evil lady and finds that she has his dead elephants skeleton hanging around. He loses it and the bone breaking scene commences. You'll know why I call it that He just crippled so many people in real life. Stone cold comes in to fight him again and is giving Jaa all that he can handle. For no reason three more show up and now there are four Mr. Universe's vs little Jaa. He uses broken bones from his elephant to probably dice up those guys for real. Evil lady tries to get away but Jaa literally jumps off a skyscraper to give her a knee while she hangs off a rope of a flying helicopter. The end.

OH YA!!!

Favorite Scene : I'll just rank fights. 1. Circle single cut fight. 2. Temple Fight 3. First fight/boat chase. 4. Broken Bones 5. X Blades 6. Final Fight

Memorable Lines: Movie would've been better with 0 dialogue.

Rating: I give this movie 8.5 Baloon candies (big in Thailand according to Google). On quality this movie is probably a 4.5 or a 5 but this movie is still great after like the 10^th time I've seen it.

Alternate Ending : Jaa kills everyone but goes crazy and thinks that he is an elephant. His new friends try to bring him back but he has completely snapped. Turned into a Tarzan for elephants instead of gorilla's. No need for a Jane because he winds up in a mental hospital. The end.

What I would've done if I was the main character : Not wear that scarf because it didn't look cold and doesn't fit with all my snapping necks. Then use the baby elephant as a chick magnet.

What happens in the sequel : I want to see a sequel so bad. But then again maybe not. Another movie similar to this is Ong Bak. Stupid good. Ong Bak 2 and 3 are stupid bad. Let's say the protector 2 is the same movie but involves Jaa taking down the mafia. Not as good just like the Ong Baks.

Hey it's just me hanging with my elephant

Flying Knee!

Team X Blades

R.I.P this extra

Jaa vs Sword Guy

Jaa vs Stone Cold 1

You know when I said if you know me, ask to borrow the movie? Maybe just invite me over so I can watch it again too.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Movie #36 Escape From New York

Escape From New York (1981)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082340/

I don't want to get to negative with these things. Definitely not after Indonesia and the Dominican Republic are the newest countries to read a post. Maybe I didn't give Contagion enough credit. It's not that bad, I just got a little bored in the middle and the ending could've been better. It was still pretty good. Just not Kurt Russell good. Did you know Kurt batted .563 in the minor leagues before having a injury that made him have to stop playing. Sooner or later I'll be doing my favorite movie, The Thing, but for now you'll get Escape From New York.

This movie is ridiculous. Let me give you the background story that they spell out in text right after the credits. In 1988 the crime rate in the U.S rises 400 percent. New York City, the once great metropolis, has been turned into a giant prison. I guess things got so bad that they just built giant walls and left everyone to fend for themselves. Their aren't any guards in the prison making it way more fun. Also once you go in, you don't go out.

Lets skip forward to 1997, the time that the movie takes place. The president who is the guy who played Dr. Loomis in the Halloween movies (also directed by John Carpenter) and his plane gets hijacked. He escapes in this pod thing but it of course lands in the middle of New York. Criminals run the place and it doesn't take long for him to get kidnapped. Cops come in to negotiate with the criminals and they are given one of the presidents fingers. It usually is attached to his hand so it not being there at the moment is a problem.

Drastic measures must be taken to get the president back. Snake Plissken is called in. Snake was a WWII hero before he tried to rob a bunch of gold and got life in prison. He walks in with what has to be the hardest eye patch in movie history. His mission is to get the president back in 24 hours so he can make his speech at some assembly to stop all countries from nuking each other. If successful, Snake will receive his freedom. Seems fair enough. Then the guy in charge of the police has two mini bombs placed in Snake's neck that will blow when the 24 hours are up. Not so fair. Snake says “When I get back, I'm gonna kill you” to the cop. I believe him.

One of the things that makes this movie awesome is the music. Snake flies a tiny plane onto the top of one of the twin towers. That is weird enough and the creepy music just adds to the weirdness. Snake gets to the bottom and he's in the city. The president had a tracker on him and it takes Pliskken to a theater. I'm guessing it's on Broadway and there have been a few changes made by the criminals. First, it's creepy as hell. Just dudes in drag singing in a low lit auditorium and the people watching enjoying themselves way too much. That's not so bad though when you consider the literal rape dungeon in the basement. I don't know what shows go on there but I wouldn't pay to watch. Turns out to be a dead end because some homeless guy is wearing the bracelet tracker.

Out of nowhere, people called the Crazies started pouring out of the sewers. Some chick runs into Snake and tries to mack with him but falls victim to the Crazies. Bummer for her. After that they chase Snake for a while but he is too good to be caught by them. A taxi picks him up at the end of an alley and the get away is complete. The cabbie seems to be a good guy and brings Snake to another guy named The Brain to help him in finding the president. It has to be said that the Brain's girlfriend is rocking some serious cleave The president is currently being held by The Duke and Pliskken gets the Brain to take him to the Duke's location.

Snake steals a car and I fell asleep. It was really late and I couldn't help it. Good thing I took notes and knew where to pick it up the next day. The Brain and Dr. Cleave jump into the car too. He tries to drive down Broadway but it's full of mongoloids. Snake gets the president and throws a knife into some dudes head but takes an arrow to the leg in the process. That slows him down and he gets caught and knocked out by The Duke. Not manly.

First thing he sees when he wakes up is that his shirt is off. Could be either really good or really bad. Because it is with a guy named The Duke, it's really bad. It does show off his sweet stomach cobra tattoo. He sees that the president is tied up and is being used for target practice by Duke. Meanwhile Brain, being brainy, is trying to come up with a way to get out of NYC. He realizes that landing on the World Trade Center buildings is the only way that Snake could've made it in. Also note that there is a good chance that Kurt Russell could beat me up today. I would let him, but it would still happen.

Pliskken has to fight some barbarian in a thunder dome type situation. Not 100% sure what it is because I haven't seen any of those movies, it's just how I imagined it. Duke says that he will decapitate Snake but I don't see that happening. They are each given a plank and the fight is on. The president has to watch in a blonde wig and looks even worse than usual. First round goes to barbarian. This fight has to be to the death and round two will feature trash can lid shields and bats with nails sticking out. Snake kills him pretty fast and right as that happens someone comes in yelling about how Brain is about to fly off the WTC. Everyone cheeses it.

THE END

Snake makes it to the roof and finds the Brain in gun fight. The plane is pushed off the roof and we see what is possibly the worst effect ever in the plane falling to the ground. Pliskken is seriously limping from the leg wound and ends up back in the cabbie's taxi with The Brain and Dr. Cleave The only other way out of the city is by a bridge covered in land mines. Brain knows where all the mines are and helps them on their way. It would be easier if there wasn't an intense car chase with The Duke right behind.

They hit a mine and everything goes wrong. That kills the cabbie. Then the Brain gets out and walks on a mine. Dead. That seriously bums out Dr. Cleave and she stays behind with Brain's body and a gun to slow down The Duke. They are almost out and you see cops talking on the biggest cell phones of all time. They get to the wall and the president is lifted out first. Snake then gets lifted out but gets stuck halfway. The Duke pulls out a gun to shoot him but the president shoots The Duke first. What a guy you think. The bombs in Snake's neck get deactivated with 5 seconds to spare. The cop asks if he is still going to kill him but he says he's too tired. Maybe later. So hard. He offers Snake a job but he says “The name's Pliskken” and just walks away. Harder. The president was supposed to have an important cassette on him but when he turns out to be a tool in the end by not caring about the people who died saving him, Snake slips it with a fake and destroys the original.

THE STUFF AFTER THE END

Favorite Scene : The fight scene. Just the whole set looked awesome.

Favorite Lines : “Get a new president”

“God save me, and watch over all of you”

“Remember, once your inside you're on your own.” You mean I can't count on you” “No” “Good!”

Rating : 7.2 Laffy Taffy's. I might like this movie more than it deserves but it's my rating. The music fits perfectly and it looks awesome. Kurt is awesome. Everything else is ridiculous.

Alternate Ending : SPOILERS. Snake does something to the cop at the end. Maybe doesn't kill him but injects him with the bombs and gives him 24 hours to do something, possibly like drinking 24 gallons of milk.

What I would've done if I was the main character : Use that gun a little bit more. I would've been scared out of my mind but if I had a snake tattoo I'd feel a lot better .

What happens in the sequel : It's called L.A Confidential and I've never seen it. I hope it has something to do with the whole world being a jail and Snake is the leader. Would watch.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Coming Soon

Better Off Dead
Nightmare on Elm Street (remake)
Real Steal

Probably in that order

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Movie #35 Contagion

Contagion (2011)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1598778/

You should probably wash your hands before reading this and then wash them again before everything else you do. Especially you South Korea, South Africa and Hungary who are new to the blog.

So Contagion was a movie that I've wanted to see for a while. The story of an epidemic isn't exactly novel but there were a lot of solid actors so usually that means the movie will be good. Unless it's Oceans 13. All I can say about the opening scenes of the movie is that Gwyneth Paltrow isn't looking so good. A lot of people aren't looking so hot and it's not all because of the sickness. There are some really not so great looking people getting sweaty all over the world meaning that the illness must be in it's early stages. As we'll learn later, Paltrow is the exception, but most good looking famous people won't be sick for a while because they can afford more health stuff than the poor ugly people. What I'm getting at is the people open to get a disease get a disease.

Matt Damon is an actor that I like. Hopefully someday I'll have a cat named Cat Damon. He is married to Paltrow and seems to be ground zero for the sickness because now his son is sick. Gwyneth has gone from looking rough to looking like death. She kind of has a seizure and is pronounced dead at the hospital. Whoa, that didn't take long. Matt Damon is not stoked with the doctors, which is understandable. Then his kid dies but he still hasn't gotten sick. Why cruel world?!?

The person to find out what is going on is the french chick from Inception. She is a good actress and probably could've used a bigger role in here. Orantes (french chick) is sent to Hong Kong which is where people believe the virus may have been formed. She gets kidnapped by locals there who hope to trade her for vaccines once they are created. Whole lot of good she does.

U.S scientists are looking for a cure as well and they start with a Paltrow autopsy. It's pretty hardcore. I can't say that I have seen many autopsy’s or even an autopsy but does the person being cut up usually have their eyes open? Much creepier that way. Speaking of creepy, Morpheus is another scientist and he should not sport a mustache ever. He and Kate Winslet are pretty important with Winslet being sent to Minnesota where the Damon's are to start planning statewide quarantines, limiting the wreckage.

In another lab, Elliot Gould is working on find a vaccine. His supplies or something get compromised so he is supposed to scrap his experiment but being the rebel that his is, science will prevail. He keeps working and finds out that it has something to do with bats. Dimitri Martin is a lab assistant of his for no reason. Drops 0 jokes.

Can you tell that there are a bunch of side stories? Jude Law is a blogger. I guess I am a blogger now so I can respect that. He tries to get an interview out of Gould but he declines and adds that being a blogger isn't being a writer. I can also respect that. Basically I'll wrap up all of Law's story here because I thought it was the worst of them all. He says that he had the disease and then was cured by using some drug. People go out and buy tons of that drug because they think it's helpful but in the end he never had the disease and was just trying to make money off the drug. Gets busted. Spoiled that story but it's not important. How about that, if I spoil a side story and it doesn't give away the ending then maybe it doesn't need to be in the movie. Only if something cute happens in it.

Brian Cranston works for homeland security and has barely and screen time. Second time in a row because the same thing happened in Detachment(movie #28). Be glad that I'm watching so many movies so you can get breakdowns like that. The virus has gotten serious and people everywhere are really freaking out. Damon finds out that Paltrow was banging a guy in Chicago and got him sick before she came back home to him. Sad. Then Winslet gets sick. Sad. Funeral homes stop accepting bodies and people are looting pharmacies. Freaking out. The next 25 minutes of the movie are pretty boring so onto the end.

LET'S JUST MARK THESE SPOILERS

Stores are being burned down everywhere and humanity seems to be general anarchy. Damon goes to a grocery store one day and it looks just like when everyone was looting a grocery store in Jumanji, just minus the chimps. Winslet dies which is a bummer. Damon tries to get out of Minnesota to head for Wisconsin but the whole place is quarantined off. The one time someone wants to go to Wisconsin and they get denied. Shame. A vaccine finally gets created and the scientist who made it tries it out on herself. Pretty gutsy but luckily for her and then for humans it works. Something like 26 million people have died at this point. Now that there is a vaccine, I kind of just wanted the movie to end but it wouldn't. The vaccines are given out to people by birth dates which are randomly drawn in a lottery. They just don't have enough of a supply for everyone in the beginning. Damon starts missing Paltrow but I don't because she's a cheater. His daughter had to miss her prom so he gives her one in his house. Kind of cute.

Movie ends by showing us how the virus was created. I have no clue with how those things work so this is only how I saw it, probably not how it really happened. A bat pooped in a pigs food. The pig ate the poop and formed a bat/piggy virus. The pig was sold to a restaurant and the chef diced up said pig. The chef than didn't wash his hands and shakes Paltrows hand causing the ruckus.

BACK. WASH YOUR HANDS AGAIN.

Favorite scene: Kind of liked when Paltrow died. Not because I wanted her to die, but it happened so fast and so early that it just felt kind of eerie. Really didn't know where they would take it after that.

Memorable Lines : “Blogging is not writing. It's graffiti with punctuation”. Sometimes, I don't know where to put commas and if you see me try and use a semicolon then I'm sure it will be a failure. So maybe try again smart guy!..,.,!??:;,.!

Rating : 6.5 pieces of gum under a desk. Good and bad. Good things are I liked that they had different story lines taking place at the same time. It gives us some perspective. The acting was good and it looked nice. Bad things. It didn't need some of the story lines and got dull in the middle. Did make an impact on me by wanting to cleanse myself so that's always a good thing for a movie to do.

Alternate Ending : No cure is found. Everyone dies except for Matt Damon, his daughter and Fred Durst. Damon forbids them from getting married. The human race ends.

What I would do if I was the main character : I don't really think there is a main character. If I was Damon, I would've probably lost my mind a lot more. Then I would've stolen more stuff. If I was Winslet then I would've worn a hazmat suit 24/7. If I was Jude Law then I would have quit all the conspiracy stuff and just became a model. If Morpheus then shaved my upper lip sweater.

What happens in the sequel : Pretty much the same movie but the virus is created by aliens. The space kind. Then they come down and create the vaccine so they gain our trust. Once they get in control, they harvest all of our teeth which are used as galaxy wide currency and get rich. I bet that wouldn't get boring.

Yikes Gwyn

Fellow blogger Jude

Winslet dropping facts

Kidnapping french lady

Vaccine lady working

Mustache Faux Pas

Jumanji!

Bro, stop breathing on me!

We should bring back that soda Surge

Keep washing (and reading)

Saturday, March 24, 2012

March Request Post

Someone posted a comment saying that I should take requests. As you can probably tell, I am a good deal behind and seriously need more movies to watch so please, request away. If I can find it, I will watch it. You can leave them as comments, email me at dannyferreira11@gmail.com or somehow open a telepathic link between our brains. I'll do one every month so just go ahead and send them!

Way to give back readers!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Movies #33 & #34 Kill Bill Vol.1&2

Kill Bill Vol. 1(2003)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266697/

Peru, Malaysia and Belgium are now on board, sup? The first Kill Bill was both a first and a last for me. I'm pretty sure that it was the last movie that I rented from a Blockbusters before Netflix came out. It's at least the last that I can remember. Kill Bill is also the first movie that I heard about online way before it came out. I think I googled "best movies released next year" and it was at the top of the list. I was only 14 and didn't know who Tarantino was so I guess I put all of my trust in that online blogger to tell me what's good. Whoa, I just had a moment. Could that have been my blogging beginning. Hmph. Onto important things like why is the Vol. necessary? Kill Bill 1 and Kill Bill 2 aren't good enough?

This movie doesn't follow a normal time line. It doesn't follow normal lots of things. The first scene is a bloodied up, pregnant Uma Thurman getting shot in the head. If you're smart you probably realized that she doesn't die and Bill needs to be killed. If you aren't than I'm sure you've just turned the TV off. Weird time line jump now. Uma heads for her second of 5 revenge killings, this time it's Vernita Green. Vivica A. Fox plays her and she is by far the worst character of the assassins. Have I not mentioned that? Uma used to be on an assassin team (I'm not a fan of the name Uma) and there were four others with her, plus Bill They all have snake names which I do not like because I'm also not a fan of snakes. I actually just got bit by one in a dream and I think these movies are to blame. Uma is the Black Mamba but that is also Kobe Bryant's nickname and his skill is being good a putting a piece of cloth filled with air through a metal circle. Not super deadly. Fox is named Copperhead. They all are the ones who shot up her wedding and killed her husband and baby. Back to revenge, maybe Copperhead is the worst because she has the smallest role as well but I'm glad that they got her out of the way early. Oh did I spoil the end? Uma throws a knife at Copperhead, killing her right in front of her daughter. Uma didn't want to do that and tells the girl that if she wants her own revenge in the future, then she'd understand.

Let's go back in time now to when Uma was in a coma (acoma). After getting shot in the head, she was in that state for like 4 or 5 years. One day Darryl Hannah (California Mountain Snake) shows up to inject her with stuff till she dies. Bill interrupts by calling her and saying chill out. No need to kill her unless she wakes up. MISTAKE BILL. Uma wakes up and freaks out a little. Her baby is gone, that's almost never good. Some guy named Buck walks into the room and she pretends that she is still asleep. I just got this part now because I guess that 14 year old me was still innocent enough to miss out on what was going on. I thought Buck was just some dirty, greasy trucker that happened to walk into her room that day but he really had been visiting her to get his rape on and then bringing in other dudes that would pay him to rape her. All while she is in a coma(acoma). Yikes. That day Buck goes in to do his thing but Uma is awake and she kills him. I remember thinking that maybe she was a little harsh but I take it back. Once Uma gets her muscles working again that haven't moved in 4 years, it's murdering time.

She heads to Japan to get a new sword. Some guy named Hattori Hanzo says he will never make a sword again but once Uma drops that it's for cutting Bill, he agrees. Apparently the sword is sick, one might even say legendary. While in Japan, Uma can kill Lucy Liu (Cottonmouth). The movie totally changes up and goes animated. I'm glad it's animated because it is so brutal and bloody that the real thing might have been a little much to handle. It's all about Cottonmouth's background and how her parents were killed in front of her and she became an assassin. Major gore. Then we learn how she became leader of the Yakuza, who are bad in every movie that they've been in.

Fight time. Uma shows up at a restaurant where Cottonmouth is at and yells to get it on. Liu's bodyguards are known as the Crazy 88 and they begin a massive sword fight. The movie turns black and white I'm guessing to hide all of the blood. Of course Uma wins and then has to fights Liu's #2. It's this girl that I know a lot of dudes think is extra hot because she is crazy but not this dude. Plus she's like 17. That's assault brother. The girl has this crazy knife/ball/chain contraption but ends up dying. Final battle, Black Mamba vs Cottonmouth. Cottonmouth is winning early but the Mamba finishes her off. Something to note is that Uma makes a straight cut to Liu's head but it comes out round as she is just scalped. Still metal.

SPOILER

I didn't put the Cottonmouth fight into spoilers because you already knew that she was going to win. The movie ends with Bill asking Liu's assistant if Uma knows that her baby is still alive. Yahtzee.

THAT WAS QUICK

Favorite Scene : The scene that shows Cottonmouth coming to power within the Yakuza. Some dude calls her names. She responds by running over and cutting his head off which creates a fountain of blood shooting upward. Sick 14 year old me loved that.

Favorite Lines : “Those of you lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to me now”

“It was not my intention to do this in front of you. For that I'm sorry. But you can take my word for it, your mother had it coming. When you grow up, if you still feel raw about it, I'll be waiting.”

“How'd you find me? I'm the man”

“You can beg better than that!”

“I am finished doing what I sword and oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created something that kills people. And in that purpose, I was a success. I've done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.”

“Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with Samurai swords”

“That woman deserves revenge and we deserve to die”

“Wiggle your big toe”

“Revenge is never a straight line. It's a forest and like a forest, it's easy to lose your way. To get lost. To forget where you came in.

Rating : This movie's getting 7.7 kit kats. There are so many cool things about it. First is the action is sweet. All of the different ways things are shot is sweet. The story is sweet. The music (except for the woo woo vonage song) is sweet. Lots of things are sweet and I really like it.

Alternate ending : I don't care what happens because I need to get into Vol. 2 but Buck always has to die.

What I would do if I was the main character : Buy a gun

What happens in the sequel : You're about to find out.

Uma about to get shot

Copperhead

California Mountain Snake possibly doing some injecting

Hanzo's greatest sword

Uma pre crazy 88 fight

Post Crazzy 88 fight

Black Mamba and Cottonmouth pre-fight

Mid-fight

Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0378194/

Not a huge fan of the opening. Uma is talking directly to the camera. I just think all of her dialogue is a little cheesy. Then we jump to Uma's wedding and actually stay there for a while this time. They are going through the rehearsal when Samuel L Jackson plays them a song. It's his only scene. Random. Things are going great and then Bill shows up. He has a ton of creepy old guy swagger I must say. They talk for a while and Uma introduces him as her dad. In the first movie you might have recall her yelling out “It's your baby” before he shot her in the face so calling him her dad is mega creepy. Bill does have a cool voice and they talk for a while which I don't mind at all. The other assassins show up and do their murdering.

Time for the Budd part of the story. Something about Michael Madsen and Tarantino just works. He is Bill's brother and is by far my favorite of the assassin. Bill shows up at his trailer to warn him that Uma is probably coming. He delivers his we deserve to die line and it's awesome. Budd goes to work as a bouncer in a strip club and basically gets fired. Bummer. At least he wasn't a dancer. That night Uma shows up to take him down but Budd is ready and shoots her with a shotgun full of rock salt. Really hurts and then really burns. He takes her out to a cemetery and buries her alive. It's called a Texas funeral. Don't mess with Texas I guess.

In the coffin, Uma has a flash back to her training. Bill tells her about her new master and he sounds like an awful person. Uma shows up and he just insults her and the beats her down. I swore that the guy was Chow Yun-Fat but it's another Asian guy. Who ever he is, he has the best eyebrows in cinema history. The training is brutal but she is enduring it.

Back to coffin and she pulls out a knife to cut the rope around her arms. Then she starts doing the 3-inch punch that she learned from her master and busts out of the coffin. We get this side view of her climbing out of the coffin and through the dirt. It is bananas. Budd has her sword now and offers it to the California Mountain Snake for 1 mill. Some sword. C.M.S shows up the next morning with a suitcase full of money. While looking through the bills, a snake pops out and bites him like 4 times about the face. C.M.S tells him that it's a black mamba and he has like 5 minutes to live. A most painful 5 minutes. He dies. Right after that, Uma shows up and there's a chick fight. C.M.S really hates Uma. Mid-fight Uma gives C.M.S a swirly and she flushes the toilet so that she doesn't drown. What a useful thing to know. If someone is ever dunking your head in the toilet, even if the water is clean, flush for air. C.M.S gets out of it and says that she killed Uma's master because he ripped her eye out while she was training. They get back to fighting and Uma rips her other eye out. Really gross, I'm not a fan of eyes being outside of heads or the holes that they leave at all. Instead of killing her, Uma just leaves her alone and flailing in Budd's trailer with the actual Black Mamba.

SPOILERS

All that is left for Uma is now to get Bill back. Maybe even kill Bill. She starts tracking him down by talking to his father figure, a pimp. This guy has intense, old guy with an accent swagger. She finds him and her (their) daughter is also there. Quite a shocker to see her girl. They chat a little and Bill shoots her with some truth serum he made. Goes on to talk about how Superman is his favorite super hero which I think is whack because Superman is just a guy who they said “Lets just give him all powers”. He does justify it a little bit but is no true nerd. Lots more talking. They fight and Uma hits him with this like five spot pressure point attack that she learned from her master. On the fifth step that Bill takes, he will die. Amazing. Uma takes her daughter and the movie end

LETS WRAP THIS UP

Favorite Scene : I know a lot of people are claustrophobic and not a fan of coffins but I don't mind the tight space. Wait, everyone isn't a fan of coffins and there are also a good deal of people who are claustrophobic. That makes more sense. It's just sweet how they made her climbing out of the ground look. It's something that I haven't seen before.

Favorite Lines : "How do I look? You look ready"

"I just caught me a cowgirl that ain't never been caught"

"Well you're going underground tonight and that's all there is to it"

"I was very sad. And that is where I learned , some things, one you do, they can never be undone"

"It's wood that should fear your hand, not the other way around. No wonder you can't do it, you acquiesce defeat before you even begin."

Bill, she's just smart for a blonde"

"No, I said I'd do my best. That's hardly a promise"

"I didn't say that I was going to explain myself. I was going to tell you the truth. But if that's too cryptic, lets get literal. I'm a killer. A murdering bastard, you know that. And there are consequences with breaking the heart of a murdering bastard. You experienced some of them"

"I've never been nice my whole life but i'll try my best to be sweet."
"I would've been much nicer. I would've just cut your face"

"Being a fool for a woman such as yourself is always the right thing to do"

Rating : 7.2 chocolate covered pretzels. This movie had more story and character development than the first but I remember being underwhelmed when it first came out. I was expecting another big, bloody mess like the first one and there are only a few minor fights in Vol. 2. Now that I know what to expect I definitely appreciate it a lot more than I did at first. Vol. 1 will just forever be my favorite though.

Alternate Ending : SPOILERS IN HERE SO BE CAREFUL. My first thought was that Bill apologizes but now I think that makes him weak. Maybe you think that apologizing is the even tougher and more courageous thing to do but come on, this is a movie and it doesn't work like that. Bill is a super hard character and must remain that way. I've spent a little time thinking of a way to Bill to die but nothing tops the five points thing. I also thought maybe Uma could accidentally kill her daughter while fighting Bill but no one really wants that. So what I am trying to say is that a small asteroid falls from the sky and kills Bill before Uma can, permanently ruining her need for revenge. Buzz kill.

What I would do if I was the main character : Again, get a gun and get good at shooting. Shoot everyone with a sword from very far away. I would only need one volume for that.

What happens in the sequel : Good News! Tarantino is actually working on a sequel right now. I think it's on line to come out in 2014 if the world doesn't end this year. I'm guessing it will be called something else because of what happened at the end of this. My guess is that it will skip forward like 10-15 years and it will just be Uma and daughter fighting off assassins coming in for their own revenge.

At a wedding

Wedding Crashers

Getting some training

Eyebrows!

Good old Budd

Fighting C.M.S

Truth Serum

Final Showdown

There's my Kill Bill thesis.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Movie #32 Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0446029/

Howdy Denmark! I think you still have queens and princes and stuff. That's pretty cool. Alrighty then, Scott Pilgrim. I've actually read these six comic books or whatever you want to call them so you can go ahead and consider me knowledgeable on all things pilgrim. That is what makes this movie a major disappointment. I could have loved it but alas.

Changing up the game a little. Let's start with things I liked about the movie. First is the style. There are times, especially in the fight scenes, that this movie actually looks like a comic book or a video game. Any nerd can appreciate that. The fight scenes are pretty entertaining too for not being the driving aspect of the film. Some of the bad guys are pretty solid like Schwartzman and Evans. I may or may not have a top 5 five hot actress list in my head and the girl who plays Ramona is my number 5. Don't pretend like I'm the only one who has thought about this and I'm super creepy! Maybe you don't have rankings but you know who you go to ladies or dudes are. Mary Elizabeth Winstead happens to be my 5 and I'll watch things that don't deserved to be seen if she's in it. That is why I'll be doing The Thing remake pretty soon. The 80's Thing is probably my favorite movie and I'm sure the new one will ruin it but hey, I'm weak.

What makes this movie just meh? Mostly Michael Cera. He is not Scott Pilgrim and never should have been. Is he still funny anymore? Arrested Development ended 6 years ago and Superbad was in 2007. Ever since then it's been mediocrity and he just isn't a leading guy. Some of the bad guys were good and some were really bad. The first one was embarrassingly bad and the guy who played Superman and the girl who played Ann(her?) stunk it up too.

Plot time. Like I said, the comic books are entertaining and I didn't care for the movie. These observations are from the second time I watched it because maybe it needed a second chance. I really wanted to like it. Scott Pilgrim is basically a loser with no job and little money. He is the bassist in his band Sex Bob-Omb. I think he's like 22 and the first thing he does is get in a relationship with a 17 year old Asian Canadian named Knives Chau. The little text bubbles that keep popping up like a comic are fun and the kid from Home Alone's brother walks onto the screen as Scott's gay roommate. I forgot to add him into the things I liked part but he played his role well. Aubrey Plaza shows up and invites Scott to a party. That's where he will meet Ramona Flowers (#5) and the plot will thicken.

Somehow a dude looking goofy as Cera gets her to agree to “hang out” and the night ends in a make out. Frustrating. There is no way that a woman could have come up with this so the casting was clearly done by a guy. The two of them start dating but Scott hasn't broken up with Knives which is a bit of a problem. Wow, that is the most soap opera looking sentence that I've ever formulated. I didn't think this was a chick flick and it probably isn't but this paragraph is not helping that argument at all.

Scott's band plays a gig the next night and some guy jets in, challenging him to a fight. The guy says that he is the first of Ramona's evil seven exes and he has to defeat all of them in order to date her. He kind of floats and sings and then gets killed. It's awful. Then Scott finally dumps Knives. My first laugh also finally happens when Scott doesn't know that bread can make you fat. The rest of the movie is Scott knocking off the rest of the seven and of course things go bad between him and Ramona and he has to fight to get her back in the end. We've seen it before, just not as cool looking as this.

Favorite Scene : I liked the second and last fights the best.

Memorable Lines : There are some pretty bad lines in here. Better just to forget.

Rating : 5.5 War Heads. Am I bitter that I got called Scott Pilgrim a lot at bars when this movie came out because people thought I looked like Cera? Probably. Movie could have been an 8 on my likeness scale but in the end, is just a disappointment.

Alternate Ending : The way I want the movie to end is Ramona gives Cera a beating and then skates off while looking great. It's my blog so I get what I want.

What I would have done if I was the main character : Stay away from high school girls while a college senior. You have to be a mondo loser to be pulling that jus sayin. Just wait a year.

What happens in the sequel : I know I was harsh and you probably could really enjoy this but I had high expectations. It was too hard to cram six books into two hours. They start from scratch and make a trilogy. Literally anyone else can play Scott, I don't care who it is. Get Samuel L. Jackson for all I care, it would still be better.

I think this is fight 1

Fight 5ish

Ramona's goofy hair holding her back, still 5

ex 2

Scott gets an extra life

This is the way that it has to be.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Movie #31 Fish Tank

Fish Tank (2009)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1232776/

What's up Italy and Georgia (the country)? Enough of the serial killer stuff right?

When movies are a part of the criterion collection, it usually means that it's pretty good. There are times that they are perhaps way too artsy for my liking and go right over my head but I can still respect them for being well done. Sometimes I think they are just kind of boring. Fish Tank is one of the newest movies to make the collection and here we go.

I noticed a few things right from the beginning. There are hot Emma Watson/Kiera Knightley British accents and then there are your “ello govanah” accents. This movie is clearly going to feature the latter. Also British people drop the c word like it's no big deal. Daughters say it to their moms and people yell it to each other across the street. No big deal. Movie settles down to a bunch of grumpy looking girls dancing. The girl who turns out to be the main character, Mia, walks up to them and punches one of them in the face. Possibly fairly common in England too? If you remember my post from the fighter, girls in physical altercations is never attractive. Mia continues her day by walking down the street and trying to free a horse that was tied up in a junkyard. Am I all over the place? If so, it is because so is the movie and I had no idea what the movie would be about yet.

Mia gets home and her mom calls her the c word. I don't think that's the best parenting. Also one can note that she doesn't appear to be all that old compared to her 15 year old daughter Mia. After yelling back, Mia sneaks away to an abandoned apartment to drink and dance it out. Now I am for sure no dancer so judging her could be a little hypocritical. She isn't that great though and certainly isn't movie worthy good. Still have no idea what the movie is about. Mia walks back to the horse and tries to free it again. This time a few guys bust her and then kind rough her up a bit. Steal her things and pick her up then not letting her go. Stuff like that. It wasn't good. Now I'm all for slow building, character development driven movies but we are a good ways into the movie and there is still really no plot at all. Just a British teenager with a dirty mouth living.

She goes home from the failed horsecapade and meets her moms new boyfriend. It's the guy who played Wolverine in the newest X-Men movie. He's a good actor so I was pretty stoked to see him. I thought he was German though so it was weird to hear him drop a solid accent but I looked him up and he's a German who grew up in Ireland. It all makes sense. Anyway she steals money out of his wallet after saying bye to him and her mom. It should be noted that her mom is a skank and a half as well. Before leaving to spend the money we see her like 8 year old sister smoking. It's a full on broken home.

Mia arrives back home and the mom is having a party so she is shunned to her room. There is some serious grinding going on downstairs so it's better that she leaves. Mia snags a bottle of something, gets plastered and passes out. Wolverine picks her up and takes her to her bed. It's a good dadly thing to do. He takes her shoes off which is also good. Then he takes her jeans off which is pretty date rapey and I freaked out a little. She is awake during all of this too, just pretending to be asleep. Finally Wolverine puts a blanket on her and everything is all good again.

They all go out for a nice drive the next day as a “family”. They end up at this nice looking field and pond area. Real country. Wolverine walks into the pond and noodles out a catfish like only Wolverine could. Mia cuts her foot on something and he gives her a piggy back ride so she stays off the foot. What a guy. Now the movie is starting to take shape now, it's going to be about Mia and Wolverine's relationship. We get back to the dancing and Mia is watching some routines on youtube in an internet cafe. Maybe the UK is 10 years behind the US with the internet. Not my readers though. She goes back and Wolverine asks to see her moves which I have to say, are still not impressive.

The movie is probably half over now and I am still having trouble picking up what the characters are saying because the accent is so thick. I get the bright idea to throw on the subtitles which happen to be big, yellow and ugly. For a movie in the only language that I speak. A new low or serious dedication? First thing that subtitles clear up is that instead of saying “Give me a sec”, the Brits say “Give us a sec” . How about that? Mia finds a paper for an music audition and wants to make a video for it. I began now to think that she is being a bad break dancer on purpose to get attention. You know when people say that the only way you'll make it out of the hood is with your basketball skills? Well if basketball was dancing then Mia isn't going anywhere fast. After laying down some funky fresh moves on video, she returns home to see Wolverine and her mom “going at it”. It's a little graphic for me and the big yellow subtitle moans and dirty talk doesn't make things better. Barely five minutes into being able to understand what people are saying and I instantly regret it.

LOTS OF SPOILERS BECAUSE EVERYTHING HAPPENS IN THE END

She, like everyone, leaves home and runs into one of the guys who had the horse. He turns out to be an o.k. dude. They get drunk which again is the way I imagine a lot of people's day ending in the UK. Not so different than the US. She goes back home again and the mom says some pretty mean stuff. Mean enough that I can understand why Mia is such a rebel. Am I repeating myself too much with the Mia leaves then she comes back home and then she leaves again and then she comes back home? Sorry but that is all that is happening. Mia sends in her dance tape and miraculously gets an audition call back. The next scene is her dancing in silence with headphones on which I did like. Makes you feel like you are really there. She comes home that night and Wolverine is on the couch alone watching TV. He asks to see her dance again and she does it. Then they make out which has been coming for like 45 minutes now. He is drunk and extra creepy. The making out turns into a full on bangin session. It's WRONG! I am now convinced that subtitles should not be used during sex scenes, especially ones featuring a dirty talking drunk German practicing a little statutory rape. Some words should just not be on my TV in text form. I now am certain what this movie is about. It only took about 15 seconds after they finished for him to say lets not tell this to your mom. If the mom didn't get wasted herself and pass out up stairs then none of this would've happened and it's all her fault. Not really though.

The morning everyone wakes up and Wolverine has vanished. That's classic Wolverine. The mom tells Mia that she nearly had her aborted and I think the little sister saw the happenings on from the night before and informed mommy. She tracks him down at his home and he informs her that sleeping with a 15 year old is a nono and they can't talk anymore. Wolverine drives her to the train station but she walks back to his house and breaks in. Now everyone is in the wrong. While there alone, Mia finds out that Wolverine has a full other family. Get ready for this, she just squats over and pees on the carpet. Friggin weird. I'm also not a scientist but there could be DNA in urine so she might not want to be leaving that there. Plus it's super gross.

She hears someone coming in and skips out the back. Somehow she kidnaps Wolverine's daughter and walks her to the sea or something. First breaking in, then peeing and now kidnapping? Talk about a slippery slope. Mia chucks the girl in the ocean and I thought for sure she would be dead but ends up popping up. The girl going into the water seemed to wake up Mia (and the girl) and you can tell she's realized that she's no killer and doesn't want to hurt this innocent little girl. She drops the girl off but Wolverine tracks her down, chases her into a field and then literally punches her. Again, classic Wolverine. He only gives her that one shot and then lets her go.

Next day is Mia's big audition. I am excited for her and hope she does well. Something needs to go right for her after all. When she arrives at the club there are a bunch of strippers dancing. Maybe this isn't right for her and I don't want her to get the job anymore. It's her time to get on stage and she gets up there in her sweats. The music starts and thankfully she just walks off. No more slope. She walks over to the horse guys place and the horse is gone. He said she got old and sick and had to put her down. This pushes Mia over the edge and she breaks down crying. I don't blame her and if I was physically able to cry, I might have joined her. The horse lived to 16 and she is 15. Does that have anything to do with it? Who knows. Horse guy is going away and asks her to come with him. She goes home to pack and the mom tells her to F off. Real nice. Music starts playing and the mom, Mia and the little sister all start dancing together. It's supposed to be the scene where they all come together and you feel better but all I could see is that the mom didn't have a bra on and her business is really right in your face. I'm sorry, it was a tank top. There is your sort of closure scene. Mia gets in the car with horse guy, they start to drive away and the little sister runs after the car yelling that she will miss her. At least someone will.

WAS THAT ENOUGH?

Favorite Scene : Mia's dance for Wolverine before all the madness started. It was just shot really, really well.

Memorable Lines : “You need sortin' out, you do”

Rating : 6.5 cadbury eggs. There are things about the movie that are great. The acting was always on. There are scene's that were shot great too. But there is just not a lot of movie here in my opinion. Like if someone pitched this story to me, I would've said that it is good but do we really need a movie made out of it. Maybe I wasn't just super into it either. Like I said in the beginning, I kind of liked it but I definitely respect it as a piece of art.

Alternate Ending : MORE SPOILERS. Anything that happened in the movie is a spoiler so I couldn't think of a way around it. Mia kills the daughter and Wolverine hunts her down Liam Neeson style. “I will find you and I am going to kill you” with a swear word or four place in the middle.

What I would've done if I was the main character: Not dance and go to a bunch of Arsenal games which is something I want to do bad. Maybe I'd try making some friends and not punch girls faces unless that is the best way to make friends. Then I'd definitely punch girls about their faces. Finally, learn to drive on the left side of the road. Use that skill to drive far away from home with my sister never to return.

What happens in the sequel : MORE SPOILERS X2 Does it seem like Wolverine gets off easy? Nothing bad happens to him. Mia ends up pregnant and goes to see Wolverine's wife. His life collapses. Creep.