Friday the 13th (1980)
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Class is over and I can write about things I actually know
about again, movies. Were you able to
get by in my absence? Did you spend the
time away pondering some of life’s toughest questions like where did I come
from, do fish sleep, and did I have Taco Bell twice yesterday? Perhaps you found a blog about correcting
grammar mistakes or housework with more regular posting? How dare you.
I had to tweak the blogs title a little and I hope you don’t mind.
What better way to get back into things than to watch Friday
the 13th on Friday the 13th which occurred ten days ago. It’s a bit of a classic that I’m guessing a
ton of people have heard of but never seen.
What is this franchise famous for?
Why, Jason Voorhees slashing teenagers of course. He isn’t even the bad guy in the original and
has maybe only one scene. Instead we
have your classic B & B horror movie meaning it has lots of boobs and
blood.
We begin with a flashback to the year 1958. A couple of counselors go upstairs in a barn to
do the hanky panky. Right when they
start to get down to business they are interrupted by someone (we see out of the
camera as the interrupter). What the
counselors were doing was just not hot at all and as a punishment for that,
whoever broke things up stabs the both of them.
I mean that has to be it, there’s no other reason to kill them.
After that lovely introduction, we make it to present
day. Some girl who may possibly be a counselor
asks a dog if it speaks English and for directions to Camp Crystal Lake. It wasn’t funny or cute and I’m already
rooting for her to get it. After asking
around a bit, one of the townsfolk gives her a ride to what he refers to as “Camp
Blood”.
You would think once someone gets taken to Camp Blood things
would get exciting but instead things turn into a snooze fest as we meet new
characters. We see the guy running the
camp chopping wood wearing only short shorts and a bandana. Around his neck. He has to go.
There is a girl who is about to leave but gets coerced into staying
another week to help get the camp going.
She will be referred to as Main Girl because that’s what see
becomes. Three more counselors drive
into the camp and I’ve named them Kevin Bacon, his cute girlfriend and the not
funny guy. They are just what they sound
like. Kevin Bacon is his young Kevin
Bacon, his girlfriend is attractive and the not funny guy is PAINFULLY not
funny (like a number of these reviews).
The dog whisperer is hitchhiking once again. Hitching is something that I don’t think I
would ever do. It just looks to
dangerous. I mean the movie The Hitcher
even got a remake. I’d rather walk. She gets picked up and the camera does the
first person thing again like it did when the first counselors got stabbed. That probably means that the stabber is the
driver. Dog whisperer gets spooked and
jumps out of a moving car, hurting her ankle.
She gets chased through the woods a bit and eventually gets her throat
slit. If you think about it though, a
quick death is probably one of the better things that can happen to you when
hitchhiking.
The counselors start to get to know each other by going
swimming. One of them wonders if the dog
whisperer is ever going to make it but we know she won’t. We also know what Kevin Bacon looks like in a
speedo because that happens next. Not
funny guy pulls the Sandlot fake drown move to get a kiss. That’s cool when it’s all you can do when you’re
twelve. I think once you get closer to
twenty, you should try to start updating your moves for longer lasting results.
That night Main Girl (changing it to Alice because I’m
already tired of saying Main Girl) finds a snake in her room. For me, it was the scariest part of the whole
movie. Some guy comes in and hacks its
tail off with a machete. Not the
smartest way to kill a snake but I’m all for making those mindless, creepy
killing machines suffer so no complaints here.
The next day a cop shows up at camp looking for the town crazy. Not funny guy does not funny things to try
and show off. They can’t kill him off
fast enough.
After that Bacon and girlfriend go off together for a little
alone time and not funny guy watches them just full with jealousy. If he tried being less of a dweeb, things
might work out better for him. It starts
to rain which is never good in a horror movie.
Bacon and girl friend go into one of the cabins and lie (lay) together
on a bunk bed. Girl friend tells about
how she is afraid of storms because she always dreams of them and they turn
into blood. Metal. Then they get it on.
Meanwhile, everyone else (besides not funny guy who is
thankfully missing) starts playing strip monopoly. Quick jump back to Bacon getting it on with
his lady. There is like 45 seconds of
them grunting motionlessly. Still not
hot. They wrap things up and she heads
to the bathroom. Bacon keeps lying
(laying) in bed and blood drops down onto him from the bunk above (metal). It’s not funny guy’s blood which rules and
before he knows what to do, Bacon gets stabbed through the bottom of his
mattress in the neck. Best death scene
in the movie. We see the girl friend
walking barefoot in the public bathroom which is just as dangerous as hitchhiking
which is also probably just as dangerous as making out with Kevin Bacon. After searching for where that noise came
from (because they always hear something) she takes and axe to the head.
Later on one girl that I haven’t mentioned yet goes into the
same bathroom where a girl just got axed and there is some serious
tension. Just when you think she is
going to get it, forgettable just walks right out. I bet you felt like that was really it for
her though by the way I built it up. Me
too (I actually did know what was going to happen; this is just me trying to
relate to my readers). Right after she
walks out of the bathroom, Forgettable hears a little girl crying and we hear
the creepy Friday the 13th noise.
Sounds like a kikikiki ahahahah.
Forgettable stumbles onto the archery range and takes an arrow in her
body. Dead.
Alice and the last person I haven’t mentioned, a guy who
wears suspenders with no shirt in the 80’s, go looking for Forgettable. They check her bed and find a bloody axe
tucked into it which is kind of jacked up.
Calling the police for help is their next plan but instead of using
their cell phones that no one has yet they use a land line in the office. Problem is the lines been cut. That must be what it’s like to have no
service.
Bandana, who has been gone the whole time, shows up and gets
stabbed right away. We still haven’t
seen the killer but he did and knew who it was.
Hmmm.
Boom! All power is
cut. Suspenders and Alice are the only
ones left and decide it’s best to split up as he checks the generator. Also I’m pretty sure it has stopped raining
now but they are still wearing ponchos. That
brings us to ending which doesn’t get a giant spoiler warning because a 32 year
old movie has probably been spoiled you already. If it hasn’t, now’s a perfect time. Alice heads out to check on suspenders. She opens a door to the generator room and
finds him hanging on the door, dead. She
is the only one left and heads back to her cabin in a bit of a panic as you can
imagine. She barricades the door when
suddenly Forgettable is thrown inside through a window. Crazy.
A car pulls up to Alice’s relief and a woman greets
her. Says her name is Mrs.
Voorhees. Uh oh. They chat for a while with mama Voorhees
trying to calm her down. Then she starts
to tell Alice a story about how a boy drowned here once because the counselors
were too busy “making love” to watch him and gets really angry. Uh oh.
She adds that Jason was the boy who drowned, he was her son, and today
would’ve been his birthday. Uhhhhh ohhhhhh.
Mama Voorhees goes mad and attacks.
Alice gets away and heads for her car but freaks out when she sees the
dead dog whisper and leaves it. She runs
away and dead Bandana slides off a roof.
Alice hides a little and we see that Mama Voorhees is like a
reverse psycho. She has her and Jason’s personality
inside her and he keeps saying kill her and stuff like that. A long fight ensues ending with Alice
chopping Voorhees’ head off just the way it should have. Alice then goes down to a lake and jumps in a
canoe. This next scene is awesome. It’s the morning, she wakes up in the canoe,
nice music is playing, the cops show up and a mutant zombie looking Jason jumps
out of the water and grabs the girl. She
screams and wakes up in a bed. It was
all a dream and one of my favorite “fake endings” ever. Then the movie ends for real.
FAVORITE SCENE : The ending for sure
FAVORITE LINES : “I’m a messenger of God. You’re doomed if you stay here”
“But… Then he’s still out there”
RATING : 6.8 Toblerones. There are so many bad movies in this genre
that when one is watchable it makes it seem better than it probably is. I was going to rate it higher because I did
enjoy it, but it’s just a decent movie in the end.
ALTERNATE ENDING : The ending was real. Would’ve been awesome.
WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER : Die. The main character is a girl in all of these
that I’ve seen so I would probably have no chance.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL : Jason goes so many places like Manhattan,
the future and space. Then he dies a few
times and gets brought back by lightning strikes and voodoo. Real things.
I’ll probably do Jason X sometime soon.
That bandana shouldn't go there
That arrow shouldn't go there
Camp Blood
Main girl Alice
When hitching goes wrong
Canoe ending
Mama Voorhees
Gloves (ponchos) off
Let the bodies hit the floor
I haven’t been tracking my audience for a while but it looks
like someone in Iraq was on here today.
Candy and a Movie, bringing the world back together.
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