Time Spent Watching Movies

Time Spent Watching Movies 3 Days 14 Hours 23 Minutes

Monday, July 23, 2012

Movie #56 Friday the 13th


Friday the 13th (1980)

Class is over and I can write about things I actually know about again, movies.  Were you able to get by in my absence?  Did you spend the time away pondering some of life’s toughest questions like where did I come from, do fish sleep, and did I have Taco Bell twice yesterday?  Perhaps you found a blog about correcting grammar mistakes or housework with more regular posting?  How dare you.  I had to tweak the blogs title a little and I hope you don’t mind.
What better way to get back into things than to watch Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th which occurred ten days ago.  It’s a bit of a classic that I’m guessing a ton of people have heard of but never seen.  What is this franchise famous for?  Why, Jason Voorhees slashing teenagers of course.  He isn’t even the bad guy in the original and has maybe only one scene.  Instead we have your classic B & B horror movie meaning it has lots of boobs and blood.
We begin with a flashback to the year 1958.  A couple of counselors go upstairs in a barn to do the hanky panky.  Right when they start to get down to business they are interrupted by someone (we see out of the camera as the interrupter).  What the counselors were doing was just not hot at all and as a punishment for that, whoever broke things up stabs the both of them.  I mean that has to be it, there’s no other reason to kill them.
After that lovely introduction, we make it to present day.  Some girl who may possibly be a counselor asks a dog if it speaks English and for directions to Camp Crystal Lake.  It wasn’t funny or cute and I’m already rooting for her to get it.  After asking around a bit, one of the townsfolk gives her a ride to what he refers to as “Camp Blood”.
You would think once someone gets taken to Camp Blood things would get exciting but instead things turn into a snooze fest as we meet new characters.  We see the guy running the camp chopping wood wearing only short shorts and a bandana.  Around his neck.  He has to go.  There is a girl who is about to leave but gets coerced into staying another week to help get the camp going.  She will be referred to as Main Girl because that’s what see becomes.  Three more counselors drive into the camp and I’ve named them Kevin Bacon, his cute girlfriend and the not funny guy.  They are just what they sound like.  Kevin Bacon is his young Kevin Bacon, his girlfriend is attractive and the not funny guy is PAINFULLY not funny (like a number of these reviews).
The dog whisperer is hitchhiking once again.  Hitching is something that I don’t think I would ever do.  It just looks to dangerous.  I mean the movie The Hitcher even got a remake.  I’d rather walk.  She gets picked up and the camera does the first person thing again like it did when the first counselors got stabbed.  That probably means that the stabber is the driver.  Dog whisperer gets spooked and jumps out of a moving car, hurting her ankle.  She gets chased through the woods a bit and eventually gets her throat slit.  If you think about it though, a quick death is probably one of the better things that can happen to you when hitchhiking.
The counselors start to get to know each other by going swimming.  One of them wonders if the dog whisperer is ever going to make it but we know she won’t.  We also know what Kevin Bacon looks like in a speedo because that happens next.  Not funny guy pulls the Sandlot fake drown move to get a kiss.  That’s cool when it’s all you can do when you’re twelve.  I think once you get closer to twenty, you should try to start updating your moves for longer lasting results.
That night Main Girl (changing it to Alice because I’m already tired of saying Main Girl) finds a snake in her room.  For me, it was the scariest part of the whole movie.  Some guy comes in and hacks its tail off with a machete.  Not the smartest way to kill a snake but I’m all for making those mindless, creepy killing machines suffer so no complaints here.  The next day a cop shows up at camp looking for the town crazy.  Not funny guy does not funny things to try and show off.  They can’t kill him off fast enough.
After that Bacon and girlfriend go off together for a little alone time and not funny guy watches them just full with jealousy.  If he tried being less of a dweeb, things might work out better for him.  It starts to rain which is never good in a horror movie.  Bacon and girl friend go into one of the cabins and lie (lay) together on a bunk bed.  Girl friend tells about how she is afraid of storms because she always dreams of them and they turn into blood.  Metal.  Then they get it on.
Meanwhile, everyone else (besides not funny guy who is thankfully missing) starts playing strip monopoly.  Quick jump back to Bacon getting it on with his lady.  There is like 45 seconds of them grunting motionlessly.  Still not hot.  They wrap things up and she heads to the bathroom.  Bacon keeps lying (laying) in bed and blood drops down onto him from the bunk above (metal).  It’s not funny guy’s blood which rules and before he knows what to do, Bacon gets stabbed through the bottom of his mattress in the neck.  Best death scene in the movie.  We see the girl friend walking barefoot in the public bathroom which is just as dangerous as hitchhiking which is also probably just as dangerous as making out with Kevin Bacon.  After searching for where that noise came from (because they always hear something) she takes and axe to the head. 
Later on one girl that I haven’t mentioned yet goes into the same bathroom where a girl just got axed and there is some serious tension.  Just when you think she is going to get it, forgettable just walks right out.  I bet you felt like that was really it for her though by the way I built it up.  Me too (I actually did know what was going to happen; this is just me trying to relate to my readers).  Right after she walks out of the bathroom, Forgettable hears a little girl crying and we hear the creepy Friday the 13th noise.  Sounds like a kikikiki ahahahah.  Forgettable stumbles onto the archery range and takes an arrow in her body.  Dead.
Alice and the last person I haven’t mentioned, a guy who wears suspenders with no shirt in the 80’s, go looking for Forgettable.  They check her bed and find a bloody axe tucked into it which is kind of jacked up.  Calling the police for help is their next plan but instead of using their cell phones that no one has yet they use a land line in the office.  Problem is the lines been cut.  That must be what it’s like to have no service.
Bandana, who has been gone the whole time, shows up and gets stabbed right away.  We still haven’t seen the killer but he did and knew who it was.  Hmmm.
Boom!  All power is cut.  Suspenders and Alice are the only ones left and decide it’s best to split up as he checks the generator.  Also I’m pretty sure it has stopped raining now but they are still wearing ponchos.  That brings us to ending which doesn’t get a giant spoiler warning because a 32 year old movie has probably been spoiled you already.  If it hasn’t, now’s a perfect time.  Alice heads out to check on suspenders.  She opens a door to the generator room and finds him hanging on the door, dead.  She is the only one left and heads back to her cabin in a bit of a panic as you can imagine.  She barricades the door when suddenly Forgettable is thrown inside through a window.  Crazy.
A car pulls up to Alice’s relief and a woman greets her.  Says her name is Mrs. Voorhees.  Uh oh.  They chat for a while with mama Voorhees trying to calm her down.  Then she starts to tell Alice a story about how a boy drowned here once because the counselors were too busy “making love” to watch him and gets really angry.  Uh oh.  She adds that Jason was the boy who drowned, he was her son, and today would’ve been his birthday. Uhhhhh ohhhhhh.  Mama Voorhees goes mad and attacks.  Alice gets away and heads for her car but freaks out when she sees the dead dog whisper and leaves it.  She runs away and dead Bandana slides off a roof.
Alice hides a little and we see that Mama Voorhees is like a reverse psycho.  She has her and Jason’s personality inside her and he keeps saying kill her and stuff like that.  A long fight ensues ending with Alice chopping Voorhees’ head off just the way it should have.  Alice then goes down to a lake and jumps in a canoe.  This next scene is awesome.  It’s the morning, she wakes up in the canoe, nice music is playing, the cops show up and a mutant zombie looking Jason jumps out of the water and grabs the girl.  She screams and wakes up in a bed.  It was all a dream and one of my favorite “fake endings” ever.  Then the movie ends for real.
FAVORITE SCENE : The ending for sure
FAVORITE LINES : “I’m a messenger of God.  You’re doomed if you stay here”
                                   “But… Then he’s still out there”
RATING : 6.8 Toblerones.  There are so many bad movies in this genre that when one is watchable it makes it seem better than it probably is.  I was going to rate it higher because I did enjoy it, but it’s just a decent movie in the end.
ALTERNATE ENDING : The ending was real.  Would’ve been awesome.
WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER : Die.  The main character is a girl in all of these that I’ve seen so I would probably have no chance.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEQUEL : Jason goes so many places like Manhattan, the future and space.  Then he dies a few times and gets brought back by lightning strikes and voodoo.  Real things.  I’ll probably do Jason X sometime soon.
 That bandana shouldn't go there
 That arrow shouldn't go there
 Camp Blood
 Main girl Alice
 When hitching goes wrong
 Canoe ending
 Mama Voorhees
 Gloves (ponchos) off
Let the bodies hit the floor
I haven’t been tracking my audience for a while but it looks like someone in Iraq was on here today.  Candy and a Movie, bringing the world back together.

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