Candy and a Movie: Movie #47 I Think We're Alone Now

I Think We're Alone Now

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1152828/

Falling asleep to documentaries is a past time of mine. Unless I'm exhausted, I'm not good at just turning off the lights and dozing off. Pretty sure that they invented the sleep timer on TVs just for people like me. What makes documentaries nice to snooze to is that they are usually just good, easy viewing. Sometimes they are just straight informative like movie #19 oceans. Most of the time they are like movie number 18 See What I'm Saying in that they are about some person or group who is faced with something and overcomes it in the end. Happy endings 4/5 times. Every once in a while the ending you're hoping for doesn't come and your left with someone's sad story. Then there are documentaries that are so messed up, weird or sad that you hope it is fake and everyone is just actors.

The movie just jumps in without explaining things so I will do the same. One of the two main characters, 50 year old Jeff, tells the camera that he and this former pop star named Tiffany have known each other for most of her life and they are in love. They've kissed with no tongue but he could've slipped it in if he wanted to. First off, who is Tiffany? After looking her up, she had most of her fame in like 1987 and 1988 before I was born so that's why I've never heard of her or her music. Also, if I was to get into the stalker field, it would have to be legendary babe and it seems as though time has already forgotten Tiffany. Her biggest song was “I Think We're Alone Now” hence the name of the movie.

So this guy is a little weird right? Anyone can lie about knowing someone famous to someone who wouldn't know. Actually believing your own stories puts you on the path of being a crazy person. You know what else would make you a crazy person. Telling the camera that you've been branded a stalker of her and laugh at parts of a report describing your stalking. Then saying that she had to get a restraining order against you and you've loved her since she was 16. Also he writes in cursive. Psycho.

The other main character is this person named Kelly. This is what I wrote down about Kelly the first time we see (her/maybe him) “Not sure of Kelly is a guy or a girl. I'm thinking maybe a little of both”. That's just me being stupid right? Wrong, I totally nailed it. Kelly is a hermaphrodite. Both seventh grade biology and wikipedia has told me that although it isn't said what the extent of Kelly's hermaphroditism is, she has some organs from both genders going on down there. Kelly considers herself to be a girl so I'll be using she's and her's from now on.

Kelly says that she's never had a girlfriend and that makes her really sad. Makes me sad too. But it ends when she says that the difference between her and the other stalkers of Tiffany is that she really loves her. She loves Tiffany right down to her bone marrow.

Hold on, let put up the breaks. How am I supposed to fall asleep now. On one hand you have this old guy with articles about his numerous stalking incidents hung on his wall and when we go away from that we hear about how a hermaphrodite loves the same former pop stars bone marrow. Not that there's anything wrong with being a hermaphrodite, it's just that I've never seen anyone like her and it adds to the unsualness of everything. This is so offsetting to awkward to watch.

Jeff's friend is interviewed and gives some of his buddies background. Jeff's was bullied a lot when he was growing up. His dad died young when he was 13 and when asked about it Jeff says that he felt both relieved and sad at the same time. He was sad because it bummed out his mother. They show his step dad a little who seems to be an alright guy but is hard on Jeff. Says that he has mental issues and tried to put him in a place with people around him who could've helped like doctors but it didn't work out. There being something wrong with Jeff's brain makes it easier for me to hear about his stalking but I'm sure it doesn't have the same effect on Tiffany.

Now Kelly is running back and forth on the street. Apparently she is trying to show off her athletic ability. She is pretty winded at about 100 feet at what she says is on 7%-10% of her full ability. This is all happening for no reason. I told you right away but you still don't know that Kelly is a hermaphrodite so I called her a guy with boobs when she ran. She also sounds like a quieter Kenneth from 30 rock. Now she gets into who she is. Says that she takes a testosterone killer. They show pictures of her in high school and she seemed to be normal enough but that was as a boy. Kelly says that she was pretending to be somebody she wasn't so went back to being a girl and is happier now. Good for her. She also said that if she knew Tiffany than she would be loved and accepted by her. Maybe don't put a ton of eggs in that basket.

We now find out that Jeff has Asperger Syndrome. It's a form of autism which explains his lack of social skills. People with the disorder also sometimes have problems becoming obsessed so things are becoming clearer. They show Jeff going to church and his pastor thinks he's great. Meanwhile, Kelly's roommate and friend is interviewed and says he can relate with her because he's gone through his own difficulties being gay.

A random girl who turns out to be the person in charge of the Tiffany fan page is interviewed and says that she thinks Jeff isn't safe. Maybe she doesn't think he's safe because one time he brought flowers and a samurai sword to a concert. When asked about it, Jeff laughs and says that he did it because giving her that stuff is the greatest honor one could receive in Japan. Then he holds up a bunch of books about stalking and laughs like it's funny he's a stalker.

Kelly's story unfolds a little bit more when he says that his dad was in the army and was around hazardous agent orange chemicals which probably led to his abnormality. For the first six years of her life she was raised as a girl but then she was forced to be a boy. Definitely would cause you some identity issues. Both characters then reveal that they get paid federal disability and that's how they get most of their money. Jeff doesn't spend money like the rest of us. He has spent over $20,000 on time machines and other Tesla like electric equipment. He puts on this one helmet that's attached to a machine and says that he and Tiffany's spirits are connected. He can feel what she is feeling. I seriously hope this is fake, both the movie and the spirit machine.

Kelly's roommate says that her obsession with Tiffany was probably caused by the accident. Sometime in the 80's, Kelly had an accident on a bicycle and was in the hospital. While unconscious, she visioned herself with someone who looked like Tiffany. When she woke up, the first song that she heard was a Tiffany song and when someone showed her a picture of what Tiffany looked like, it was very similar to the person in her dream. Kelly took that as a sign and now has made it her life's only mission to be with Tiffany because that's the way things were meant to be.

In 2004, Jeff proposed to Tiffany but she rejected him because she was already engaged. And he's a psycho. Kelly got super depressed when she heard the news about the marriage. She also keeps using football analogies and said it sacked her like a defensive end. Not only does Jeff think he's best friends with Tiffany, he also believes that he's best friends with her husband. I would watch that sitcom, a guy and his wife's stalker are bffls. He even thinks that the husband is jealous of him. Finally, Kelly gets mad and snaps about the whole thing. It's a little terrifying.

Apparently, these two aren't the only two creepy dudes (and half dude) who have a thing for Tiffany. There was one stalker back in the day who got caught bringing a gun into a show. The same guy later killed another person he stalked. Several different other guys tell the camera about how great she is. Jeff says one time a bunch of lesbians rushed on stage and “butt bumped” Tiffany and no one did anything about it. I'm going to say that probably 9/10 times I'd want to hear more about chicks butt bumping but when Jeff says it, it's just a total turn off.

Each of them attempt to go to different Tiffany concerts. Kelly can't get in because she doesn't have her ID, she only has a picture copy of it. She gets bummed and buys a lot of alcohol. I feel bad enough for her that I'm worried. Outside of another concert, Jeff argues with other fans about who Tiffany likes more. He says that in 2000 Tiffany called him and said that he was her “best friend, mentor and protector”. One chick listening gets super jealous. There is no need to be because it never happened but then again, who cares.

Then this happens. Apparently Tiffany posed for Playboy a while back. Sometimes you just need money. She appears at an adult entertainment convention and of course Jeff shows up. He says he is there to kiss her and give her gifts. Oh boy. She sees him and is not stoked. There is an autograph session and he gets her to sign a couple of her pictures. I wonder what it would feel like for a bunch of people in public to ask for your signature on a picture of your nude bod. Maybe if enough of you get interested I could find out. They would have to be professionally done pictures because I need as much airbrushing as possible. I could easily see Tiffany freaking out with all of the stalkiness Jeff is showing her but she is nice about it and doesn't hurt his feelings.

TIME FOR THE END

The two of them get together to go to a Tiffany concert. Jeff calls her a boy and think that because she's a hermaphrodite, he can choose not her. Then they argue about who Tiffany thinks is a better friend. Should be neither. Kelly starts putting on make-up to turn herself pretty. Poor girl, I'm not sure if America has the ability to get that much make-up in time for the show. More arguing, this time about who Tiffany means more to. The concert goes well and after the show they get autographs when she has another signing. Kelly says that maybe she isn't coming home with her but she has something better now, her everlasting friendship and all relationships start as friendships. Yeesh.

There is a kind of where are they now segment once they get home. It seems like Jeff has moved on from Tiffany to Alyssa Milano. At least I know who she is this time. I can't believe he gave up on Tiffany when he was so close (sike). Kelly found a new friend who's a girl that makes her feel more like a woman while giving up drugs at the same time. She is looking into getting breast implants which would make her feel more complete. I hope to never see them. Both characters seem to be less obsessed and are more into just being friends with Tiffany. Quitters

WASN'T THAT SOMETHING

Favorite Scene : Kelly running in the street. It was like something Napoleon Dynamite would do. But that is fake while this was real.

Memorable Lines: Already said them in the review

Rating : 7 fang lollypops. This is kind of a real life horror movie. They are both innocent enough and have reasonable explanations for how they act now but it still creeps me out. The movie is pretty short so we get to see who they are, why they are the way they are and then their interaction with what drives them. That's enough. I don't know how I feel about the characters. I feel bad for them and are happy when they seem happy but feel uneasy just listening to most of the things that they say.

Alternate Ending : No matter what I can imagine, it always ends with the two of them getting maced.

What I would do if I was the main character : Either go to therapy or be a full on serial killer. Being a crazy nobody wouldn't be good enough.

What happens in the sequel : Kelly gets a thing Carlton from Fresh Prince and Jeff starts stalking Fergie. Very entertaining.