Movie # 6 Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1350498/

Over the first week or so I have been picking the movies to watch. For the first time last night, the movie picked me. It was late, I had just gotten shower and wanted to check what was on TV. I go to put on comedy central but instead of hitting 66 my thumb slips and I click 69. It's the sci fi channel, or as they like to syfy because they aren't nerdy enough already. So I go to hit channel down but I see something familiar. I don't know what it is but I definitely have seen it before. Bam, now I remember. It's the 2009 modern classic Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. If me turning that on right as it starts isn't a sign that this blog is meant to be, than I don't know what is.

Know that I'm going type out most of the plot to this movie and yes you will be dumber for reading it, but these are story lines that you need to know. Imagine all of these things happening but not by actors, instead picture people in your family because they literally have the same acting skills. The movie begins with your older sister driving a mini sub somewhere in the arctic and studying something about whales. By the way your sister stole the sub because she is a bit of a rebel, but you knew that from all of those nights she snuck out. So sis is out playing music to whales when suddenly the navy drops these noise transmitters into the water. This makes the whales go absolutely nuts, running into each other, then glaciers, then the sub. Somewhere in all the ice mayhem you sister thinks she sees a giant squid and a big shark escape. It's definitely not important enough to tell anyone though.

A few hours later a giant octopus grabs and destroys an entire oil rig off the coast of Japan. This time the Japanese government cares enough to basically kidnap your Asian pen pal scientist friend and put him on the job of finding out what happened. At the same time, your sis just got fired because she stole a million dollar sub without asking but she is still mad about it. First place she goes is to your conspiracy loving crazy uncles house. He actually believes in giant sharks and she tells him what she saw. Conveniently enough, you pen pal contacts them to talk giant animals.

Things start happening. The shark jumps out of the ocean and bites an air plane flying in the sky. More to come on that later. The navy, led by your pony tailed neighbor who still does karate in his garage, attacks the shark. After firing torpedoes and stuff at it and failing, he declare that “human weapons won't work”. Your sis, uncle and pen pal are brought in by your neighbor to find out how to stop the beasts. They conduct a number of experiments but when mixing chemicals they always get left with a black liquid, which is the wrong color I suppose. Finally the liquid turns green and they did something good. Out of nowhere, your sis leans in to kiss your Asian pen pal. Gross!!! That's your sister. Next thing you know, they are banging in the closet and your conspiracy uncle has now become your creepy uncle because of all the smiling he is doing. After they do that thing that you don't want to ever think of again, your sis comes up with the idea of using pheromones to bait the creatures into getting trapped, then hitting them with weapons and kill them.

Instead of choosing an uninhabited location, they choose San Francisco as the place to lure the shark. Seems right. Of course it doesn't work. The movie is called Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. Human aren't defeating anything. The octopus smacks a fighter jet out of the sky and the shark bites and pull down the golden gate bridge. Incredible. Your neighbor has had enough and says that it's time to nuke them before this thing becomes a global catastrophe. Your nerd sister and new Asian brother in law get all whiny about this because of the effects that a nuke will have on the ocean. To prevent this, they come up with the idea of getting them to fight each other. Finally I have what the movie promised. Unfortunately the fight is like 30 minutes long and is the most boring part of the movie. In the end they just kind of hug each other to death and fall to the bottom of the ocean.

SPOILER

There is a ton of overacting. I actually already typed the whole movie. Don't be sad, I think it will help when watching to know what is going to happen. Might be the only thing that will keep you watching.

END LACK OF SPOILER

Best scene : Instead of me typing it out, just watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I16_8l0yS-g

Best Quotes : So many “Don't love the ocean too much, it doesn't love you back”

“Cool it hombre”

“Woo! Who wants sharkskin boots?”

Rating : Literally this movie get 1 strand of black licorice. But that doesn't mean it is bad to watch. For viewing pleasure it's maybe at like a 7

Alternate Ending: The shark spends so much time jumping out of the water that it grows lungs. Now it can be brutal on land. First stop is Japan for all the shark fin soup they can handle. There is like 1000000 years of payback being served until America really does nuke the shark there. I don't want to say anymore, it's a sensitive subject.

What I would do if I was the main character : To deal with the shark, I'd hire Mike Tyson. The secret to beat a shark is punching it in the nose and I can't think of anyone better or that would want to punch a mega shark more than Tyson. The Octopus is trickier. I would cut of all of its legs until it was a nilpus. Then it would be easy to beat. Maybe its not that tricky.

What happens in the sequel : It's pretty obvious. In all that hugging, the shark and the octopus get a little closer than everyone thought. A sharktopus is born. I can't even begin to imagine the wreckage that it would do. Probably eat the earth.

Thanks fate